God's Blessings

I got the best blessing from God today. I went to pick up my mail from my PO Box and there was a check for $431. I was hoping for $40. I was in tears in the PO! I had just prayed for a financial blessing so that I could buy a coat and work boots for my son. He is having some financial struggles right now and I really can't afford anything extra right now until about February. By then he'll freeze to death working outside in Indiana. So, I prayed. God answered my prayer! I shot off a check to my son, paid a bill, paid my tithes off of the bonus money and have some left over. I might just buy those tables from IKEA that I want for my living room. They have a coffee table and 2 end tables for $75. Not the best but good enough for me!

I have been crying ever since I went to the post office. God is so good. So faithful. He loves us so much. I called my friend Lee and told him about it and he said he wishes he had the same relationship with God that I do. God blessed me last week too. I had to have some work done on my car and they said it would be $250 and it turned out to be something minor that cost $20!!!! I told Lee that my relationship is not special and that God loves him the same as He loves me. Anyone can have it, it's not exclusive. Just trust and obey. I fail, miserably most days, but I truly love the Lord with all my heart, all my soul, and with ever fiber of my being. God has richly blessed me. It may be pocket change to some to have an extra $400, but it's big to me. God blessed me so that I can bless my son. My son said he would not take the money but I insisted. I told him he would be stopping my blessing if he refused. He said he would take it. It feels so good to be able to buy him a warm coat and new shoes. He is 29 but he is still my baby!!!! God is so very good to me. I love Him, I praise Him, I worship Him, I adore Him.

I will be at church to bring in the New Year! I ask you, what better place is there to be on New Years Eve than church? None, I tell you!

Life is sweet. God is so good!!

Merry Christmas!!

Wishing all of you a very Merry Christmas and the best New Year ever!



I am home, I woke up alone, I opened my presents from Lee, he called me 3 times. I called my sons! I called my sister who has a house full; Mom, our other sister, my niece and nephew and a few others are there. I wish I was there. I cried last night because I want to be home so bad! But it was my choice to stay here so I have no one to blame but me. I am still sad, and I still miss them. BUT...it's going to be a great Christmas. I'm going to one of my best friends house. Here is a pic we took at Six Flags a few weeks ago right before we went on the Sponge Bob 4D ride. Her family will be at her home today and she invited me! I am honored to spend the day with them. They are a great Christian family so to celebrate the birth of our Savior with them will be wonderful.



This time of year is so emotional for me. The songs. The lights. The sights. The sounds. The time to really reflect on what is important, what really matters; faith and family. We only pass throught this life once. We can't take anything with us but the love given to us by others. So being a good person is all that really matters. Showing the love of Christ to others, helping those in need. Being a good friend. I have been truly blessed, God has been so good to me and I love him with everyting that is within me!

Sick Again

Darn it! I am sick again....this time I have pneumonia. Never had that before. It sux! Every time I go home in the winter I get sick. I was off work all last week for vacation and then this week I can't go in because of this. My boss got kind of crappy with me too, but if I have pneumonia I can't go in.

I woke up in the middle of the night Friday with a terrible runny nose and feeling lousy. Then I had to wait in Dallas at the airport for 3 hours for a ride home. My ride couldn't pick me up as she had a Christmas party to attend. My flight was delayed by 1.50 hours; not due to the snow storm in Indy but due to high winds in Dallas. Because of the delay she couldn't pick me up and everyone else I called at the last minute already had prior engagements. I asked Lee first but he couldn't do it either. He sux! I stood outside for 30 minutes in that bitter cold in Dallas waiting on the fricking taxi I called. The moron driver drove past me the first time and I couldn't flag him down to stop as I was waiting inside the door to the terminal and couldn't leave my luggage to run after him. I went back in and called again and waited outside this time. That's when I think I did the damage and got pneumonia!

So, I'm home today. Laying on the couch watching movies. Right now I have Elf in which is my FAVORITE Christmas movie. Makes me laugh until I am in tears every time! Here is one of my favorite clips from the movie! Enjoy!!!

Adorable Child

This kid is just too cute for words! And speaking of cute kids.........

My granddaughter is on her way to being an Olympic Gymnast! She can balance on the sit and spin for hours and then jumps off only to climb up again. She is just too precious! I had a great time with the kids. David and I really connected and had a great visit. I just need to move back and really get involved in their lives again. I miss them terribly!

He's My Son

My son, my precious baby boy, is in trouble. His health is in jeopardy. He has a staph infection in the knee he just had surgery on, thrush, strep throat and something else that I can't share right now. Please pray for him. My heart is breaking. I love both of my boys more than life itself. He is a grown man but he is still my baby. As a mother the love for your children grows deeper and deeper the older they get. I thought when they were babies that my heart would burst from love for them but it truly does grow as they do. I prayed for God to take the cup from Matt and give it to me and then I heard Mark Schultz in concert tonight and he told us the story of the song he wrote titled "He's my Son". Mark was a youth pastor and a 7th grade boy at his church was diagnosed with cancer. His father told Mark that he prayed daily for his son and one night Mark was up late into the night and God gave him this song. When he sang it tonight tears streamed down my face as I thought of my son. He's not just anyone, he's my son. Please pray for him. Please.

"He's My Son" by Mark Schultz

I'm down on my knees again tonight
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right
See there is a boy that needs Your help
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired I'm sure You can understnad
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand
And she tries not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes

CHORUS:
Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me Let me take his place somehow
See, he's not just anyone He's my son

Sometimes late at night I watch him
sleep I dream of the boy he'd like to be
I try to be strong and see him through
But God who he needs right now is You
Let him grow old Live life without this fear
What would I be Living without him here
He's so tired and he's scared
Let him know that You're there

CHORUS
Can You hear me? Can You see him?
Please don't leave him He's my son

Money's Worth

Looks like I'm getting my money's worth from the counseling! I have been making really good decisions for myself as of late. What are they you ask? Well, let me tell you.


1) Kirk asked me to marry him. I said "no". While my heart still wants to say "YES, YES, YES", my head knows that I would setting my heart up for a lifetime of pain. He has shown that he can't give me what I need.

2) Lee was a jerk to me on the golf course for the 2nd time. He talked so very disrespectfully to me. Not at all the way a man should treat a woman. He uses the excuse that professional players are talked roughly to by their coaches. Well, guess what Skippy? I'm not a pro and neither are you! I refuse to be treated like that. He had me in tears for the 2nd time. He also suggested that if I grew my hair to my waist, got green contacts, and "lost a bunch of weight" that I would have "millionaire's climbing over each other to get to you, girl." So apparently if I alter my entire appearance I will be attractive. Well, guess what? I am attractive as I am. See photo:


This is what I wore to the semi-formal dinner dance hosted by the singles group for ages 35+ at my church. I don't need long hair, green eyes, or to lose a bunch of weight.....well maybe some but not a bunch! haha So, Lee is no longer 'boyfriend' material. He has been down-graded to friend only.


3) I met someone new. Now if I had met him a year ago I would have been in love already. Go ahead, ask me if I am in love now? The answer you've all been waiting for...... no. I like him a lot. I have a few reservations but for the most part he seems like a really good guy. Kinda handsome. Tall. Christian. LOVES his Momma. Loves dogs. We seem to be compatible on several deeper issues. Time will tell. He has a good job and pointed out that we could be a "power couple" as we both make well above the poverty level. LOL He loves my cooking too! We watched "Elf" the best Christmas movie in the world (well my world and way) and he loved it too! Bonus points! So, we'll see. I'm kinda excited about where this will go. I would love it if tonight was the last first date for the rest of my life. His name is Michael. My oldest son's middle name is Michael. My youngest son's middle name is Lee. Isn't that an odd coincidence that I would have two relationships back to back with men who's middle names are the same as my boys?


So the counseling is working. I am making WAY better decisions for myself. I was pretty disappointed over things not working out with Lee but not devastated as I have been in the past. I had high hopes that he would be the one for me. He's very funny and I really like him. But I will never be good enough for him. And I don't mean that from my opinion. I mean that from his. I am not pretty enough in his eyes, or thin enough. It's sad that he can't see what an incredible woman I really am. I am a damn good catch if I do say so myself! LOL

Candidate

If you would like to see who matches your political views on a limited number, however, important ones, then go here. According to this site I should vote for John McCain...which is surprizing. I was leaning toward Barak Obama! What a difference. I do know that I have to vote for the candidate who most mirrors my Spiritual views such as opposition to abortion and other moral issues. So take the test and see which candidate matches your views.

Life is Sweet!

Second Chances

I work for a major retailer on the Distribution side of the business. I am truly blessed to have such a great job. I have grown so much and they really hold my feet to the fire. I am honored to work there.

Yesterday we had yet another job fair as we are hiring up for the fast approaching "Fall Season" aka Christmas! I interviewed a man who was just released from prison after serving 15 years for drug possession. 15 years. He entered prison at the age of 26. He is now 41. I can't imagine doing that many years for such a crime. Murder; yes. Drug possession; no. Anyway, I don't have all the details so I will not discuss that issue. I got a really good feeling about him. He seemed genuine; like he truly wanted to turn his life around. I wanted to hire him so I signed off on his application. The woman who interviewed him before me had also signed off and that is now I got to interview him. After he left the table she came over and asked what I thought. I told her I would love to have him on my team. She agreed. We both went to HR to cheer lead for him. HR agreed so they took it to a Senior Executive for final approval. Guess what? He got the job. Pending approval by a 3rd party background check..... time will tell us. I prayed for him this morning. He really spoke to my heart. I felt lead by the Holy Spirit that this man needs a second chance.

Jesus gave us all a second chance. He paid for my sins. This man paid for his own crime. I could never pay the price for my own sin. I could do 15 years for a crime but there is not enough time to pay for my own sin. I could never do it. That is why salvation is a gift from God. For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16 My second chance to have everlasting life is free. I didn't have to serve 15 years in a cell to get it. All I have to do is believe and speak it with my mouth, believe it in my heart, and accept it. God is so awesome. My cup truly overfloweth with love for Him. God is good, all the time.

Life is sweet!

Keep God First!

Amazing Grace

There is a song playing on Christian radio now by an artist named Chris Tomlin. It's from the sound track for the movie "Amazing Grace" AMAZING GRACE tells the inspiring story of William Wilberforce and his passion and perseverance to pass a law ending the slave trade in the late 18th century. Several friends, including Wilberforce's minister, a reformed slave ship captain who penned the beloved hymn Amazing Grace, urge him to see the cause through. - Amazon.com The movie will be on on DVD in a few weeks. I did not see the movie in the theater but can't wait for the DVD to be released so I can see it.

The words to the song can be found here. It's a good thing I live alone as I listen to it over and over. It speaks to my soul like no other song. When I dwell on the grace that God gives to us I enter a state of deep worship for Him and for all He's done for me. My love for God has grown so much since I joined Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship. I have always been a Christian but it's really just dawned on me in the last few months what that really means. The sacrifice of Jesus Christ's death on the cross is more than just something I need to believe to go to Heaven. Knowing that He loved me enough to go through the suffering, to die, and rise again so that my sins are forgiven is more than I can handle sometimes. I just have to get on my knees and pour my heart out to Him, thank Him and praise His holy name. God's grace is such a wonderful thing. If I had to live under Old Testament law I would surely die and go to hell. Jesus paid the price, He ransomed me with His amazing grace. He wants good things for me. He wants to bless me and give me all the things He has for me. He wants to give me the desires of my heart. All I have to do is surrender my heart and life to Him. I try so hard to do that everyday. I wish everyone could feel the love I feel for my God. He has taken me through so many things and never left me or forsook me. He is my rock, my salvation, my Saviour. I love Him with all my heart, all my soul, with every fiber of my being.

Keep God first.

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. - Psalm 34:8

Life is sweet.

Golf....Hobby or Obsession?... and Misc Stuff

I've been bitten by the golf bug. No wonder these golfers are obsessed. It truly is the most fun you can have with your clothes on! haha I love it. To see that little ball go sailing after you wack it with that club is just too cool! Lee and I played yesterday...and even though there is no crying in golf, I cried. Now I know you are probably saying, now can it be fun it you are crying? That, my friend, is my own issue. I put too much pressure on myself to always do great in everything and I was hitting the ball good in the beginning but got frustrated pretty quick into the game and ended up messing up. These jerks that were behind us on the first hole decided to skip the 2nd hole because I was taking too long and then a group of 4 men were behind us and I was still taking too long. Both of these people hit balls at me which is totally against golf etiquette! Jerks! So, Lee was wanting me to hurry and I got frustrated as it takes me about 2-3 minutes to get my thoughts together before I actually hit the ball. Which I guess is too long when you are on the course. So, I need to spend more time at the practice tee! I still love it and will spend more time practicing so I can hit the ball accurately and QUICKLY when playing. But I've only been at it for 2 months so give me a break!

I have decided to go back for my Master's Degree. Probably for a MAM (Masters of Arts in Management) or an MBA. I have already gotten my people to write the two letters of recommendation needed and am going to work on my statement of purpose this week. I hope to start in January. I LOVE school! I can hardly wait to get started! I think I am going to go back to Dallas Baptist University. I got my undergrad there and since this is a different field of study it should be OK to have both degrees from the same school. Having a Christ centered education is of the utmost importance to me. The company I work for will pay the entire bill so I can get it for no monetary cost. Sweet! There is a price to pay; fun will be eliminated as I am not naturally smart and have to study hard for my grades, and I will be losing sleep in order to get papers out and research completed on time, and all this while working about 50 hours a week! But I still can't wait!

Speaking of intelligence. Lee said I was a "dingbat". He said he was kidding but since there is always a little bit of truth in all humor I decided to ask around. My Mom, who loves me more than anyone else on this earth, agreed! She said I can be dingy sometimes. My former roomie, Kim, said so too. So there you go...3 people! I am officially dingy. At least Kim softened the blow. She said that I am so intelligent that common sense sometimes escapes me. She says I am the smartest person she has ever known...I said she needs to widen her circle! haha

Oh well!

Life is sweet!!!

Purpose

I was blessed to attend the annual Singles Conference at my church this past weekend. It was OFF THE CHAIN!!! The praise and worship music was awesome, the classes were awesome, the speakers at the general sessions were awesome, and the fellowship was awesome! God is so good!

It started Friday night and I was sitting next to my friend Chaun. The speaker asked us to pray either alone or with a friend. Chaun and I prayed together. She thanked God for the job He has given me and for the leadership that I have there. Little did I know she was planting a seed from God, actually she was pulling the weeds from the seed that had sprouted but was getting choked out by weeds I let grow there! Then a little later during the praise and worship music I looked up at the musicians and saw one of the hourly team members from work who plays the drums. I looked at him and though how he can use his faith to really influence his coworkers and then God laid it on my heart that He gave me this leadership position in one of the best companies in America to be a witness for Him. I have such an awesome opportunity to really walk in integrity and with professionalism and grace and really show others what God's love and peace can do for His children. I found my purpose. It's been there all the time. I just didn't know it! I get cold chills when I think of it and how blessed I am. Tony Dungee, the head coach of the Super Bowl winning, Indianapolis Colts, uses his position to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. He does not shove his faith down any one's throat or preach but he is an amazing example of Jesus Christ for the world to see. I want God to use me like that too, for others to see Jesus in me.

I am so excited about how my life is changing as I draw closer to the Lord. There is a new song on Christian radio right now called "Bring the Rain" by Mercy Me. The message of the song is that if it takes rain in his life to let God get more glory, than that is OK with him. And also that even though the rain comes, it never occurred to him to not trust in God through it all. It's just the greatest song! I hunger for God, I thirst for God, I love Him, I praise Him, I worship Him with all that I am. I am so very blessed!

Life is sweet! God is good....all the time!!!

Loss

Today would have been my Dad's 71st birthday. I talked to him this morning even though he is no longer with us. He passed away on January 15, 2000. There is not a day that I don't think of him or miss him or usually talk about him. There will never be a day in my life when I won't miss him. I know he would be so pleased with the changes I have made in my life, would be so very proud of me. I owe a lot of how my life has turned out to Daddy. He was hard on me but he knew that is what I need. I don't need to be babied because when I am challenged that is when I dig deeper and take action.

My best friend just lost her father so that's makes this day even harder. He died on Sunday. He fought a long hard battle against cancer. But he won really; he is in heaven now. He was a very good Christian man. He loved the Lord with all his heart. He fought a good fight and never had a bad attitude about it. He was a quarterback with the Baltimore Colts in his younger years so approached his cancer like it was a football game. His doctor was his "coach" and the turns the cancer took were like quarters in a game to him. His writing about it was very moving.

He leaves behind a wife who will be lost without him, a daughter who has lost her hero, and a son who will not have a soft place to fall when life is hard for him. But as long as they love him and remember him he will never truly be gone. His hand will be on their lives forever as they will always carry him in their hearts. There will be days when they go to pick up the phone to call him only to have to put the phone back down as they remember he is not there to call anymore. They will talk and laugh about all the things he did and said and the messages he ingrained in them will always be there to draw on. It will be hard, very hard. It takes years to come to grips with but slowly the pain will change and ease. There will be good days, bad days and worse days. The first year is the hardest because you have all the firsts without him, first Christmas, first New Years, first anniversary, first football season, etc. It's 7 years now without my Dad and I am better... but I still cry. I cried this morning, I'm crying now. My heart breaks for my friend, for her Mom, for her children who have lost their grandfather, for anyone who knew Dave Loner. He will be missed deeply, truly, and always. Just like my Dad.

Say hello to my Dad, Dave and tell him I said "Happy Birthday." I love you both deeply, truly and always.

Life is sweet! Treasure everyday with your loved ones you never know when it will be their last.

East from the West

I heard a new song by Casting Crowns on the radio today. It's called "East to West" and it's about how God forgives our sins and casts them as far as the east is from the west and how even when we don't hold on to Him He holds on to us, and how the distance is really from "one scarred hand to the other". It also says how I feel that I am just one mistake away from God leaving me in the mess I am now in. I had tears streaming down my face as I listened to it. I think of what the Bible says in Isaiah 64:6 "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags." Yet He loves us just as we are. We can never be good enough but God loves us just as we are . He loves us, He loves me, unconditionally. Unconditionally. He came to earth to die for our sins, to pay a debt we could never pay. Imagine if someone came into your life and said "Let me pay for your car, your house, all your bills from this day forward." We'd want to know what the catch was....after we said YES!! Imagine that debt being paid. Yet, God paid the debt for our sins. We don't have to pay Him back. He loves us and it's a free gift. All we have to do it accept it and believe. It just blows my mind when I think of the depth's of His love for me.

Church was off the chain yesterday. We had a guest preacher again as Dr Evans is on vacation the whole month of August. The sermon was on family values and raising kids. I thought it would be OK and really didn't want to stay but I love my church and didn't want to go home either so I stayed. It had to be the best sermon I've ever heard in my life. This man is so dedicated to raising his kids in the Lord. He said there is not greater gift a father can give to his children than to pass his faith on to them. He talked about Biblical discipline and training your kids to obey as disobedience is a sin, and how if you love them you will disciple and discipline them. Women were crying and people were standing up cheering and clapping. It was an amazing sermon. He made the comment that no woman should ever settle for a man who will not be the disciple of his home and his children and that if a man can't do that then you should move on to the next man! AMEN!! I cried. That is what I want. A truly Godly man. One who will be the spiritual head of our home. If he is not a Christian forget it. I want a man who prays daily, reads his Bible daily, tithes, and attends church every Sunday! I won't settle for less! I know God has that man for me too. I think I may have met him but time will tell.

My relationship with God has grown so much. I love Him so much. I cry when I think of the love He has for me. I want to please Him everyday with how I live my life. I want to tell the world what He has done for me. I am so humbled by His love for me, so grateful for everything, for how happy I am now, for all He has helped me overcome. My cup truly runneth over.

Life is Good! God is good...all the time!

Single Life

Couldn't have been more wrong about Lee. We met to hit some golf balls and for him to give me my first lesson last weekend and he told me over dinner that there is a woman who he would ask to marry if he ever moves back to the town she lives ....... so, there's no way he is interested in me romantically. I didn't think so anyway! He is such a nice man and I truly cherish his friendship already! He makes me laugh every single time we talk or are together. We do talk at least once a day on the phone too.

Speaking of golf.....the man can hit a golf ball like nothing I've ever seen. I told him I will do my best to help him find some financial backing so he can turn pro. His average score is 68 which is what the pro's do and he can put the ball anywhere, and I do mean ANYWHERE, he wants it to go. He is AMAZING!!!!

Had a date today with a white man! Can you believe it! His name is Art and he is very, very, very nice. It was probably the nicest first date I have ever had. I truly like him and enjoyed his company. Who knows if anything will develop but time will tell! UPDATE Monday 8-13-07: The dude has more issues than Sports Illustrated. Said he couldn't be involved with me because of my childhood sexual abuse as I'll have issues pop up again.... whatever, asshole! Also because I believe what the Bible says about Jesus Christ being the only way to heaven that I am judgmental and exclude people and that everyone will go to heaven no matter what god they beleive in: Buddah, Ala, the dog, the sun, etc. He said he was a Christian but is also a Buddist, a Muslim, a Jew, etc. See...more issues than Sports Illustrated!

I am enjoying the single life and having so much fun! My son had great advice to date around and enjoy my summer and that is just what I am doing! :)

Things are great at work. I am solo now as they put my partner on another shift. Things were rough for a 2 week period but my good friend, David, had a long talk with me and told me basically to pull my head out of my ass and lead my team! So.....I did! The guys really responded to my "come to Jesus" talk with them and are performing very well! We moved up in the company wide rankings to a few percentage points above the average score which is huge as we have been at the bottom of the list since the building opened! I am pretty excited about it and plan to sustain and improve this trend!

I am officially a member of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship now! I LOVE this church, I really, really, really do! God is so good!

Life is sweet! Sweet indeed!

Lucky Day

WOW, talk about a lucky day! First I took my phone into Sprint/Nextel because the hinge is coming loose, not broke yet but will be soon. Well, the can't fix it so I get a new phone....are you ready....for free! My battery was getting low and not holding a good charge so this is excellent news! The display window was all dusty inside too making it hard to read and it was scratched up as well, paint wearing off from too much use as well. Wow, a brand new phone for free!

Then I took my right arm... I mean my iPod in to have the battery replaced and because they kept me waiting for 40 minutes they are replacing the entire iPod...my 60GB iPod...a whole new one for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!! Should have taken my car in for repairs today! Or at least purchased a Lottery ticket!

The girl is smokin' today!

Things might be taking a turn with Lee. He seems to be more interested in the romantic side of a relationship with me. He is so very respectful and always a gentleman! He is a good Christian too....time will tell. Kimberly seems to think he is the one for me. He asked about my sign tonight and I told him I am a Gemini. He is a Sagittarius and we are highly compatible according to iVillage.com . Feel free to check out your own at their site as well!

Alright off to bed to read Harry Potter.......

Life is sweet!

Chillin'

Not a whole lot going on. Still going to church and can hardly wait for Sunday to roll around so I can go to church again! LOVE IT!!! I am in a Spiritual Growth class and am in awe at how much the other women and I have in common. We have been through so many of the same experiences with these lousy men in our lives! I wish there were as many good men as there are good women....there'd be a lot less divorce...that's for sure!

Going home next week to see the kids and for family reunion on Saturday, the 27th and staying for 7 days. Mom's birthday is on the 30th and I plan to spend the whole day with her. Going to the movies and then to eat Mexican food. Both things she loves to do! I can't believe she will be 68 years-old. The time has flown by! I feel about 25 myself!

Hit my first golf balls today and it was a blast! Lee is coming over tonight and we're going to check out a local driving range with a 9 hole course. He is a trip! He makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever known! I am really looking forward to him teaching me to play golf. This should be a lot of fun. I am thinking of finding a new job so that I will have my evenings free to play golf and just have a life in general. This night schedule sucks!

Life is Sweet!

Hello Sports Fans!

Long time...no post! Life is moving along for me! Church is AWESOME! I will offically be a member on August 5th! Starting a spiritual growth class this Sunday. It's a 12 week class so really looking forward to that!

Had some major changes at work. They moved my partner to another shift so I am running solo right now! It's a lot of extra burden on me but it's my chance to show Senior Mgmt that I know what I am doing! Good stuff!

The house is coming along nicely! I've gotten quite a few new things and it's looking like a home. I miss Kimberly but her and Kelly are happy and doing well! It's good to see her happy as she is such a terrific person! It suks to pay rent again but the 9 months I was rent free were terrific! hey hey

Still haven't met the Washington DC man yet. He keeps coming up with reasons why he can't come. On the "BS-O-Meter" he is inching towards red...he is still yellow but looking pretty orange at this point! I sense a Def Com 7 coming on! LOL He flies all over the world and is super busy but he is not one to call a lot and that was the major problem I had with Kirk! Won't repeat that one! So we shall see. He says he is coming in August....if he doesn't I shall move on! I really don't have anything to move on from so will just keep doing what I'm doing; meeting lots of new people and enjoying myself fully! I do have a date this weekend...the second date and he is very nice, and very, very handsome! Nothing serious for me right now! Just enjoying life and if a serious relationship happens then I would be very open to it!

Not much else is going on! Still waiting on Lee to give me that first golf lesson! He got me a set of clubs for free and I bought my shoes last week! They are super cute! haha He is a riot...I do love funny people and that man makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever met! I have really been blessed with the men I have met on that dating site. For the most part they are really high caliber, intelligent, wonderful men! Roland and I have been friends since January, as well as Keith and James. I will probably never meet them and we are simply friends but they are great people and I enjoy the time's we talk and the emails we exchange! I did meet the man I am going out with this weekend in January as well but dropped the communication with him because of Kirk. It's all good though because he hasn't met anyone special yet and I managed to lose 40 pounds since January! He sent me a flirt and I recognized his picture so we reconnected and are seeing where this will go!

Life is super sweet!

Finally!!

I have finally found a new church home! It is here Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship! It is racially mixed! My guess would be about 75% black and 25% white with a sprinkling of other races. Sunday morning is typically the most segregated hour in America and I think that is just wrong!

As soon as I hit the parking lot a sweet lady who said her name was Mary commented on my skirt so I asked her if I was going in the right direction and she took me under her wing. She sat with me and made me feel so welcome! It was truly a blessing. I am still praising God and it's Tuesday morning! I am 95% sure I will join the church and become active ASAP! I have searched so long for a church home. I love the Lord so much. I praise God all the time and simply adore Him and thank Him for all He has done for me when I don't deserve any thing. I am truly blessed beyond measure!

I listen to praise and worship music almost 24/7 and it keeps me in tune with where I need to be. Sometimes I have to go in my room and get on my knees, stretch my hands towards heaven and just praise God for His goodness. I love Him so much that the tears stream down my face as I thank Him for all He's done for me. I want to share that joy with the world.

He says He will give us the desire of our heart. Mine is for a Godly husband. One who truly knows what submission means and will love me as Christ loves the church. Nothing more, nothing less. Because if I have that then I know I will be truly happy. I want to be a help meet to the man God created for me. I don't know when I will find Him and I only want it to be in God's timing. My cup truly overfloweth.

I am talking to a new man and he appears to be that Godly man...he is looking for a Proverbs 31 woman, which I try to be. I'm asking God to let me know if he is the one or not. After Kirk I can't take anymore heart ache for a long while so I'm going really slow with my heart this time. He is in the Air Guard and called me the first time from Israel and then called me today for my birthday from Africa. He also bought me a present in Israel but I haven't received it yet. Now that's a good man! He flies all over the world but it's all top secret so I can't know more than where he is going. He is based out of Washington DC. He is coming to see me in Dallas tentatively the last weekend of June. I am very excited to see if he is for real or not. Pray for us!

God is good!

Life is Sweet!

New Stuff

Kimberly is moving out so it's time for me to start buying my own stuff! I went shopping this weekend and bought a new blender, toaster, colander, kitchen utensils, a few drinking cups and some tupperware and other misc items! Where did I find most of these teasures you ask? IKEA! The greatest store on earth outside of Target! lol I bought toaster and blender at Target, both are stainless steel and very awesome I might add. The rest...IKEA! I have my eye on a sofa table and some of the coolest bookcases ever. You can buy one and then the addtional units can be attached to the first... they even have a library ladder. A must have for a book fiend like myself! They even have the most reasonably priced bedroom furniture that is actually pretty nice stuff! I really like this bed and the matching dresser and chest were just as reasonably priced! The bedroom furniture I really want is $5000 at Haverty's. But I can afford IKEA now!

So, I'm a happy girl! Life is good! God is good!

Life is Sweet!

Changes

This is the sum view of my vacation. Yep, those are my feet! I was laying on the beach thinking about how great life is when I picked up the camera and took this shot. Everyone should go on a vacation like this at least once in their life time. I've made the decision that I will take such a vacation....a REAL vacation....once a year! It was amazing! We flew in the Cancun, Mexico airport on Mother's Day and spent the next 5 days and 4 nights being pampered and enjoying life to the fullest! We had spa treatments; I went for the Hot Stone Massage (heaven on earth),went snorkling, explored the Mayan Ruins, shopping in Playa del Carmen where Kim, Nancy and I had our hair braided and the poor woman was exhausted because my hair is so thick! It was cute but man does it hurt to take it out! I had the time of my life on this vacation!!!


While on the massage table I made a decision to take control of my life and end this relationship with Kirk. I got back on Friday and called him Saturday, no return call, he logged onto Yahoo IM on Sunday and I was on the PC as well so shot him a message and told him he needed to call me. He did. I told him that I can't do this anymore. We have seen each other only one time in the last 10 weeks. That is not even a casual relationship. Of course he gave me the the "it's not you it's me" speech. But I already knew that. Said he didn't have balance in his life and didn't mean to hurt me. But he did. So, I am moving on. If we can make time to see each other then great, if not, it's OK. I want to wait on him but I know what will happen if I do....I'll be waiting forever. I am a damn good woman with a heart of gold. I deserve a good man who will put me first. I refuse to make someone a priority in my life when I am just an option in his!

So....he's been calling, and IM'ing again! Telling me he loves me, he misses me, etc. Damn his ass! Why do men play these games? Is it the thrill of the chase? Are they just cruel my nature? Or is he just fucked up? I will not lump all men in the same category as him but it would be really easy to. It hurts, I'm still crying as I still have feelings for him. I want him to realize what he has in me but my head tells me that won't happen. I need to move on. I turned my phone off last night so he couldn't make the 5:00 a.m. call to me to tell he how much he's thinking of me. He needs to get my voice mail. I need to get my sleep. He called again today, as usual, and like an idiot I answered the phone. He said he can't find another woman because none compare to me. Well, hell, I knew that! haha Why didn't he tell me that shit when before I broke up with him? I just don't understand, if he really thinks I am so great then why isn't he doing everything in his power to get me back? MEN!!!

So, I'm taking my precious son's advice. David told me (and I quote) "Mom, kick his ass to the curb. This is the time of your life and you dont' have time for his shit. Play the field. This is summer and you should have a good time, date around and don't tie yourself down to one man. You are a catch, Mom. Enjoy yourself!" Now with advice like that how could I not take it. And I know my son has my best interest at heart!

So look out Summer of 2007....here I come!

Holy Shit....I can shop from the Misses Department!

No more "Women's Sizes" for me! I can actually shop from the "Misses" department! I went shopping Saturday night for the trip and bought a shirt off the regular size racks! I was almost in tears! It felt so good! I was in Dillard's a high-end department store in the mall and found a cute "Emma Sams" t-shirt. I tell you all those weeks on that damn elliptical have paid off. I went 6 days a week for 4 weeks straight and have backed down to 4-5 days a week now but increased my intensity level. Results:

1)I can see the tendons in my feet again....been buried for 26 years!
2)I can feel and actually see my hip bones protruding when I lay down.... again 26 years!
3)I can feel the bones in my spine without putting pressure on them....yep, 26 years!
4)When sitting in the car I can put my thumb on my belly and stretch my fingers as far as possible and still not touch the steering wheel...156 pounds ago my belly rubbed the steering wheel!
5) I'm back down to a size 18....you guessed it 26 long fat years!

Here's the secret to the elliptical according to Kyle the Masochist...I mean Personal Trainer. Don't hang on. I asked him what the arm's are for if not to exercise my arms and and he said "No. Do not hang on. When you don't hang on you are forcing your body to work harder to balance yourself and using more muscles. Therefore, you get a better work out." I also have to keep my feet straight, belly button in, shoulders back, chest out, head up! Concentrate on all that and it's a work out. I sweat like a dog in a Chinese restaurant! When I hang on my heart rate drops about 8-10 points, let go and it shoots back up, so Kyle is correct. I can't believe how much I have toned up in just a few weeks of this! Huge difference!

I'm Superman!

Took a quiz.....click here to take it yourself....it says I am 85% Superman. Came in 82% with Wonder Woman....I would much rather be her...she's hot!

Update

I'm down another size! Went shopping for the trip(click on the link that reads Paraiso Lindo to see where we are staying) and gathered up several pairs of shorts and capris and headed to the dressing room. Tried on each pair and they were all too big! I had to go down to an 18! I'm back in the teens! WOO HOO!! I smiled so big my face almost broke! I started this journey in a 34W, I'm down 8 sizes! Only 2 more to go and I'll be done!

I hired a personal trainer. It was expensive. It's painful. He makes me do the simplest looking things but they hurt like hell. I sweat like a pig. My butt hurts. I can barely lift my arms above my head. I PAY FOR THIS? But....I love it! It's all about me. For the first time in my life I can do things that are just for me, I can afford it, I don't feel guilty, and I enjoy it. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and I'm loving it!

My depression is much better. I have spent lots of time in prayer, almost constantly on some days. I'm reading Joyce Meyer's best-seller "Battlefield of the Mind" which I highly recommend. One of my favorite quotes is by Normal Vincent Peale "Change your thoughts and you change your world." That's basically what this book teaches but it goes deeper to reveal how Satan will work to control your mind and thus control you through negative tapes we play over and over to bring us down. As children of God we are privileged and have the awesome blessing of peace in our lives, we can enter God's rest, if we line our thoughts up with those of Christ. It's not easy to do and the devil will fight you every step. But the victory has already been won and we can do it if we are strong enough to weather the battle. I'm not Catholic but I am calling on St Michael to defend me. I say a prayer to him to defend me every night and sleep with a St Michael medal around my neck. I'm much more peaceful than I was. My sister does this also, and where I got the idea. She had some paranormal disturbances in her house and hasn't had any trouble since she started doing this. I don't think people in America believe how powerful Satan is. The Bible says in John 10:10 "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He won't destroy me!

So, life is back to being good for me again. It was a short episode this time, harder than any have been before it, but I had the tools and resources to pull out of it much faster. God is good all the time. He has blessed with some of the best friends any one could ever hope for. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am happier than I have ever been. My life is wonderful. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Life is Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Learning

As I am on a never ending quest of self-improvement I've learned some more things about myself. This one Stevie Wonder could see...I have a bad tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING, EVERY FREAKING THING! I hate it. I need to learn to stop. While home last weekend I was talking with my son Matt and finally he said "Mom, do this." and he slouched down in the lawn chair. Then he says; "Now do this." He tilts his head to the left and rests his head on his shoulder. Then he says "Watch the grass grow!" I need to learn to clear my mind and just watch the grass grow.

I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.

My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.

I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.

He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.

Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!

What It's All About

I am having a very hard time as of late. I'm working diligently on it. Life is getting better.

I went to Indy this past weekend to see my family. My baby boy, Matt, rushed to the airport to pick me up because my sis got delayed. He climbed out of his truck and rushed over to me, threw his arms around me and hugged me and I just burst into tears. He's 26 years-old but still my baby. He loves his Mom. He's a good boy. It was so very good to see him. I love my kids so much. I did the same thing when I saw my oldest son, David. It was just what I needed, that love of a child for their mother. Nothing like it!

I spent Friday night with my sis, Kim, she came over to Matt's to pick me up since she didn't make it to the airport on time. Saturday night with David and Teresa, and Sunday night with Matt and Tammy. Tammy took me to the airport this morning. Saturday Kim and I went out for breakfast and then she gave me a ton of clothes that she can't wear anymore because she is too skinny! Speaking of...the boys were shocked by my weight loss...they've never seen me this thin that they would remember! It was great to see their reactions! Kim and I talked and talked and had a great time. She prayed with me too and gave me a great Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am currently reading and so far am quite impressed.

Saturday night I just hung out with Dave and Teresa while Maddy played in the court with the neighborhood kids. We talked and talked...it was great! He is going through some issues as well, he is his mother's son..poor guy! He sure is funny though. No one can make me laugh like he can! I love him so much! Teresa just got a promotion and was given a company car, it's is NICE too! They just picked the car of Saturday morning so she's on the new car high!

Sunday we all went to Target and had a family portrait taken...all 10 of us! We were squeezed in there but they got us all in. I'll post the pic when I get them back! We all wore black shirts and jeans. We looked like a gang! The kids had pics taken of their families too! We all went to Olive Garden for lunch first and for the first time in my life I could actually afford to pick up the tab for everyone. It felt really good to be able to do it!

Sunday afternoon I helped Matt lay some pavers to extend his driveway by 2 feet. We had fun and I learned how to do it should I ever have the need. We talked and talked and prayed together. He is young but he is wise in the ways of the Lord. I am very proud of this fact. He loves God, he does his best to serve God and live for Him and lead his family as a Christian husband and father should.

I have awesome kids!

The highlight of the whole weekend happened this morning. I told Heather to wake me up before Tammy took her to school so she could say goodbye as I had to leave before she would get back from school. She did and a few minutes later Robert stuck his head in and said goodbye. Then Mary wanted to come in too. Tammy let her and rather than say goodbye and go with Tammy to take the kids to school she climbed in the bed with me and fell asleep. Tammy stuck her head back in the door and asked if it was OK if Mary stay with me. Of course I let her stay there. That is what life is all about. I woke up sad because of this depression but then was so blessed by that precious little girl cuddling up with her Grandma! It was pure joy to just sleep with her next to me. I woke up several times and just looked at her; at her chubby little hands and feet, her sweet little face looking like an angel while she slept. It made the whole trip! I decided then that no matter what happens that life is wonderful. I am truly blessed.

I called the kids once I made it back to Dallas and Tammy said that Mary fell asleep in the car after they dropped me at the airport and then slept on the couch once they got home until time to pick the kids up from school. When she woke up she asked for me. I guess she forgot about taking me to the airport or either didn't understand what that meant. She is my girl!

So, I'm doing better. I'm going to make it. I am armed this time and fighting this depression with everything in me.

Life truly is sweet when you have a wonderful family that loves the Lord and you!

Changes

I have uncovered the root of my recent round with depression....the weight loss. I went to my doctor today and she said this is VERY common with gastric bypass patients. We lose the weight and then we don't know who we are anymore. I'm not fat anymore so I don't have that shield of amour and my coping mechanism, i.e. food, is gone. I look in the mirror and I see a thin woman looking back at me. It's no freaking wonder I'm depressed. I need to learn a new coping skill.

I've had a lot of life changes lately; the divorce, the move, the additional responsibilities and increased presence at work, falling in love with Kirk, and now the additional weight loss. All big hitters but to happen within just a 7 month time frame is a lot. No wonder I crashed. My roommate knew it was all tied to the weight loss, I had no clue! I thought I was wigging out because of Kirk but nope, that's not it! At all!

My doc's husband is a peer to Kirk, they may not know each other but they are very similar in their careers. Both were college level orchestra instructors who are now teaching at high school level, both are very involved in their careers and both have the same "artsy personality", as she called it. She told me some things about her husband and how he is that shed so much light on Kirk that I was amazed. She said artsy people need wiggle room and that this is the busiest time of the year for them. She said her husband would go 3 days without calling and they lived in the same city so she would show up at his apartment and he'd say he was busy and had no time for her. He still loved her but she was hurt. Obviously it worked out as they are married and have 2 children now. I had no clue. Kirk said he was busy and stressed but he never explained why in any great detail. He told me a little but not much. As I have always been involved with men with low-end, low expectation jobs I had no clue about how demanding his job is. Now I know. All I needed was knowledge. Now I understand and can be supportive of him. I'd don't do well with ambiguity. I need to know what's going to happen a year from now. Kirk handles it very well. I asked him to be patient with me and he said that he would. I hope I didn't blow it with him. I don't think that I did. It all takes time, time to get to know each other and time to let the relationship grow.

So it's been a great day. I'm learning more about myself and moving forward.

Life is sweet!

I am

Stace did this so I am copying:

I Am

I am strong

I am in a state of constant self-improvement

I am exhausted as a result

but...

I am strong.

I love like there is no tomorrow

I hurt deeply, I give freely, I hold nothing back

I laugh from my soul, I cry from my soul, I love with my soul

I am weak but

I am strong.

Taking Control

You know when you take control of your own life it's amazing what happens. I have shared my victory of shedding 150 pounds with several of my co-workers and have been asked a lot of questions; What's it like to lose an entire person? How did you do it? What's the biggest difference? You must feel great about yourself now don't you?

The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.

To answer their questions;

1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.

2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.

3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.

4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.

In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.

Life is Sweet!

Victory

I got on the scale this morning and have now lost a grand total of 150 pounds! That's an entire human being! I cried tears of joy and gratefulness for God allowing me to reach such a monumental achievement. I've cried after being on the scale before but never from joy! I actually had to sit down I was so emotional. I am overjoyed! 35 more to go to my final goal.

It's been a long journey of overcoming the emotional triggers that got me that big in the first place and will continue to be a path of self-discovery and learning new ways to cope with things without eating but I know I can do it! I lost 150 pounds...I can do anything!!

This is my most recent pic, taken Easter morning. I can't believe that's me considering where I came from! Click here to see my "before" pic. http://randomactsofgenius1049.blogspot.com/2007/03/before-and-new-improved.html

The Drought is Over!!

Well, the rain finally came for my best friend! She's been about as down on her luck as a person can be. There were times when she had more than she could take but her spirit never broke, she always maintained that ray of hope. She embraced God's promises in Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The job will be something that will challenge her which she needs as she is the most intelligent person I have ever known and... includes a lucrative raise....and I mean lucrative! No one deserves it more than she does!

She is an inspiration to me. She's been there for me in times of need. We've been friends for longer than I can remember. I've watched all 3 of her kids grow up, two of them since birth, we've been there through marriages and divorces, times that we don't' talk about but do share a giggle over that only the other knows what really happened but would never tell! Cried together, laughed together, through good times and bad. We will be friends for the rest of our lives. And that is what life is all about. Good friends and family!

So here's to you, Stace! Congratulations!!!

Update on Mary

Here are some pics of her sweet face today.....poor baby! She is doing well though and doesn't seem to have any lasting effects so far. As a matter of fact Tammy had her back in Wal-Mart and the stinker stood up in cart. She is her father made over....no fear!

Mary

My granddaughter Mary fell, actually did a swan dive, out of a shopping cart at Wal-Mart yesterday evening, landed on her forehead and is now all bruised and swollen. My DIL, Tammy, rushed her to the hospital and they performed a CAT scan and there doesn't appear to be any damage to her brain so thank God for that! There just "happened" to be a trauma nurse in the same aisle when she fell. I believe God put the nurse there! She looked Mary over and told Tammy to get her to a hospital as fast as she could.

Here are a few pics of they emailed to me last night. Please pray for Mary to be healed with no lasting effects from the fall. (That's her Daddy, my youngest son, Matt, behind her.)






The shirt Mary has on says "My Grandma, My pacifier, My pony - In that order" Love that shirt! :)

Is the Honeymoon over?

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/relationships_questions-tango;_ylc=X3oDMTI2NXQ0dmM2BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDOTczMDg0ODcEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawNyZWxhdGlvbnNoaXBzX2NvbW1pdHRpbmctdGFuZ28-

This is a great article on relationships and how to know if the honeymoon is over! I'm not married but I still think it's great advice!

Light Bulb Moment

After much soul searching, tearful conversations with my sister, Kim, my roommate Kimberly who is going to school to be a counselor/social worker, and my best friend, Stacey. I figured out why I am so anxious over this relationship with Kirk. My past. I have been lied to and left by men who claimed they loved me. They said the words. Then they left me anyway. They mistreated me, disrespected me in too many ways to count and I allowed it, and then they left.

Kirk has been busy with his life. He made a commitment to do this BP MS150 ride, he is guardian to his grandmother, he got sick. All things that were either prior commitments before he met me or out of his control. I was coming home from the gym a few minutes ago and it dawned on me. All the years I sat at home and waited on my ex-husband to want to spend time with me were painful. He spent 90% of his free time with his friends and left me home alone. When I would call him he would say he was actually on his way home and then show up 2-3 hours later. I would prepare dinner and as it was almost finished he'd say he was going to the "pen", (The Roping Pen a hole-in-the wall ghetto place to buy stolen property, bootleg liquor, ride a horse, and find extramarital sex. He participated in all these activities.) He wouldn't even show me the respect to eat the dinner I had just prepared with me. He wanted me to put a plate in the oven for him and I did. I allowed him to treat me that way for 12 years before I'd had enough and left. So now that Kirk doesn't have the time to see me I panicked and felt it was the same thing all over again. It's not. I'm comparing apples to oranges. I didn't realize that was what I was doing but it was. I have prayed for God to reveal to me what it was I was supposed to learn this weekend and this is it. I'm still upset that I didn't get to see Kirk but I learned a lesson that is more valuable than rubies. God is good.

Stacey is the one who shed the most light on this for me. I know she reads my blog so I want to publicly say thank you, girl! She knows the pain and sorrow I've endured through the years at the hands of men that I have allowed to mistreat me. She pointed out that I am playing my old tapes and need to get new ones. She also pointed out that I have started out this relationship in a different way and that it is all new territory to me, it's very unfamiliar so I don't quite know what to do. I thought about what she said and realized that if I wanted to repeat my old patterns, that are comfortable like an old ratty shirt and pair of jeans, I could. But it's time for new clothes. New clothes are nice, attractive, desirable, yet stiff and unfamiliar. It takes a while to get comfortable in something new yet we all love new clothes and how they make us feel. Change is hard. Change is stressful. Yet change is good.

I still may get to see Kirk this weekend. If he is feeling better I may go down tomorrow for the night. If not then hopefully, next weekend. But I know that he is not dumping me or ignoring me. He is living his life with balance. I need to learn to do the same. I can't and won't be all consumed by Kirk. I need to remember that he is the cherry on top of my sundae, not my entire sundae. It's hard to learn new tapes but I can do it. I can do anything I want!

Life is Sweet!

Princess Dress

The dress was a hit. Mary calls it her "Princess Dress" and threw a shit fit when made to take it off! She got on the phone and said "I like my Princess dress, Ga-maw. I got a crown too. I love you." and off she went! Now how could that not make your heart melt? I sent some Easter goodies for all 4 kids along with the dress, so the tiara, wand, earrings and ring were in the box too. She loved it!

So I have forgiven Simplicity for the f-up'd pattern. Life goes on! Grandkids are the best...I highly recommend them. Don't have kids just wait for the grandbabies...they're LOTS more fun!

Here is the princess!

Sad

Sad does not scratch the surface of how I feel right now. I wanted to see Kirk so badly. He said I could come tomorrow to watch him sleep but I won't. Not unless he calls Saturday morning and is feeling much, much better. Kim and I prayed for him to be healed. He did go to the doc and get some antibiotics. I may go Sunday depending on how he's feeling. I really need to see him. It's been too fucking long. He got this from some kid at school who coughed in his face, he is furious. Not only is he sick, he is missing his training and organized ride Saturday, but we can't see each other this weekend. This really sucks..... big donkey ones. I know in the grand scheme of things it may not seem a big deal but imagine you couldn't see your husband or boyfriend or child or someone you love from now until May 7th. That's a fucking long time! It will be even longer if he doesn't feel better by Sunday. It will be almost 6 weeks if we have to wait until next weekend. I am devastated. I truly am. I am angry at God for allowing him to be sick. I am hurt. I am upset. I am mad. I am fucking mad. I have been through so much hurt and pain and don't understand why I can't have a little happiness and joy for a change. I know I'm whining and having a pity party but damn it, enough is enough already.

Off to Houston I Go!---------NOT

FINALLY......Kirk and I have a weekend together! I'm heading down tomorrow morning. He is off work as schools are closed for Good Friday. I should get there around 3:00-3:30. I miss him, terribly. I don't know if my heart can take this relationship or not. I'm scared. Pray for me. It's either one of two things. 1) It will last the rest of my life. 2) It will not. #2 scares the hell out of me.

I love so deeply so I also hurt deeply. How does another person get so much control to break your heart? How did he work his way into my heart and soul? He really is in my soul now. I can't imagine life without him yet it's just too freaking soon to feel this way. So you see why I am scared shitless. What's a girl to do? Follow my heart? Run like hell in the opposite direction? The polls are open until 12:00 midnight tomorrow. Let the voting begin...

4/6/07 12:30 p.m. -UDATE: Kirk called at 7:45 this morning and is very sick. He asked me to not come today. He's going to the doctor to get some antibiotics and said he'll let me know if he feels better tomorrow. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. I don't know if I can go another weekend without seeing him. I had so many things I wanted to discuss with him about our relationship and now I'm put off again. God, what are you doing? Why is this happening? Show me what it is I am supposed to learn from this. Why am I so upset? I would let Kirk come see me if I were sick but he doesn't want me to come down until he feels better. I know some men are like that, they just want to be left alone when they don't feel good. I guess he is one of them. This really sucks.

This is kind of off topic but a friend and I had a deep discussion last night and he said some things that floored me. He said that I am powerful, intelligent, and have the presence to do whatever I want in life. He said I am a true leader. Why don't I see it? I told him Kirk said I could be CEO of my company if I wanted to and he said "you could", but I don't see it. My roommate says I am the most intelligent person she knows and she knows some people with PhD's. But I don't' see it. I asked him what he meant by power. He said that my vision is big and that I always strive to improve myself and dig deep and that is power, power that can take me anywhere I want to go and that not many people have that. I don't see it. Why? I'm going to try to tap into that and see what I can do with it. Continually striving to improve yourself is exhausting!

I feel like a fuck-up most of the time. I let my peers at work intimidate me daily. They ask me questions that I don't know the answers to so how am I so intelligent? During most meetings I am bored out of my mind and don't engage because I want to tell them all to shut the fuck up as their ramblings are idiotic! They say the dumbest things, make the stupidest decisions yet all look at each other with pride that they have just saved the world. It makes me sick. I am speaking of my extended group of peers and not the core group I work with nightly as they totally rock! I guess that is what my friends means in the statement that I see the bigger picture. I see people worry about and make big deals out of the small shit that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. My philosophy is "Will it make a difference 100 years from now? If not then who gives a shit!"

All I know is that I've got some more work to do on myself. God help me to see what it is you're telling me so I can get it down and move on. I'm tired. Enough already!

F.B.----Me?

I received this months rent check from my ex and once again it's made out to just "Lora". No last name on the envelope or the check. However, once again in the subject line it reads "April Rent F.B." the month before it was "March Rent F.B.". What do you think FB stands for? My first inclination is foxy babe, or fine babe, or even fantastic beauty! However, my gut tells me it means "fucking bitch".

Now why all the hostility, peaches? Did I cheat on him? No. Did I spend all the money on beer and Crown Royal for my loser friends? Again, the answer is no! Did I leave him home alone, night after night after night after night? Hmmmm.....no! I suggest you put on your big boy pants and get over it! Move on, bucko! I have. But I guess fucking bitches can move on faster! Lucky me!

Life is Sweet!

Mary's Easter Dress

It's done! I think it's too big but at least it's done. She can wear it this year and next if nothing else......

It's hard to see in this pic but the ribbon around the waist is organdy. The details on the front waist are bows with a seed pearl in the center . She is going to look like an angel with those big blue eyes of hers! I love seeing little girls in girly dresses. I have the bug now and will have to make some matching dresses for her and Emily!

Life is Sweet!

Grandma is OK

Good news!! Kirk's Grandmother is fine! It was not a broken hip, it was only a bruise. He flew from Houston to Baltimore for a bruise. I would make sure the idiot that called me up there had a broken hip before I left if I were him.

More good news; we will see each other this weekend! YEAH!!

Life is Sweet!

Beware: Not For the Faint of Heart

If anyone is reading this has a weight problem please listen; stop now! Don't gain another pound. Take control of your life now. I let my weight balloon up until I was morbidly obese. I have now lost 147.5 pounds with only 37.5 to go until I reach my goal weight. I have problems now. Big problems. What is your problem you ask? Skin! Lots and lots of extra skin. Once you have stretched the skin out that much it will never regain it's original form. The elasticity is shot! It's hanging all over my body. My problem areas are my tummy, my thighs, my breasts, my chin and the mother of them all; my arms!

The skin on my arms looks like shriveled up old hot dogs, like you cooked them in the microwave too long and they got all crapey and shriveled, almost like I was in the tub too long! If I would have had a glimpse of my body now while I in the beginning stages of being on the way up maybe I wouldn't have gained all the weight. I can't describe how much my arms disgust me. I want to wear cute sleeveless, cap sleeve, and short sleeve shirts and dresses but I can't. My arms limit my wardrobe as I have to wear sleeves to the elbow or 3/4 length sleeves only. Not until I pay about $3000 and have them done will I be able to show them. I don't have $3000 right now. Maybe next year. The skin even hangs over my elbow when my arms are at my sides.

These pics are not for the faint at heart but if they stop someone from gaining weight then they are worth it. The plastic surgeon told me he will have to cut me from the armpit to my elbow to repair them they are so bad. It makes me want to cry to look at them. I am very happy I lost the weight but the toll the extra weight had on my body is still here.

Curve Ball

Don't ya hate it when life throws you a curve ball? Kirk and I were so excited to finally get to see each other this weekend. Well, guess what? Yep, we don't get to see each other this weekend. He is the guardian of his grandmother as both his parents have passed away. He is an only child himself. She is 95 years-old, has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home in Baltimore and fell and broke her hip today. They wanted him to make a decision about how far to go to keep her alive if the surgery goes bad. He refuses to make that decision via telephone so is flying up tomorrow to be there and access the situation himself.

He and I talked for quite a while tonight (air time...yeah!) and made plans for Easter weekend depending on what happens with Grandma. He's had so much on his plate lately and is really tired from all of the stress. So if you pray please say a prayer for him and his grandmother. He is such a wonderful man; kind, caring, thoughtful, loving, strong, intelligent, amazing.....I could go on all day. It would be nice for him to get a break from all the stress for a while. I miss him terribly as the last time we saw each other was the morning of March 5th. It's been a loooooong time, way too long. Long distance dating sucks. I dated a man who lives 30 minutes from me for 2 months and have seen Kirk who lives 4 1/2 hours from me more in the almost 3 months we've been dating than the 2 months I was with the other guy. Funny how you find the one you love and it's completely inconvenient to get together but you don't care. I would drive 8 hours to see Kirk. He's worth it.

One of my friends looked at Kirk's pic on my desktop at work last night and said "Look at you, Lora. Did you ever think you would date a man like him? He is so powerful and successful. A year ago you could have attracted him but never could have kept a man like him. I'm so proud of all the changes you've made." He's right, I never could have kept him. I'm proud of me too.

Here's the pic he was referring to. That's my man in the center stage! A conductor! Imagine that!

Please don't forget to pray for Kirk to have strength and also to have wisdom in his decision making, and for God's will in his grandmothers life. Thanks!

Simplicity Patterns

Who in the hell do they measure when they make a pattern? Not real people that's for sure. I'm making an Easter dress for my 2 1/2 year old granddaughter Mary. This is her, sweet little angel!



Mary is very tall for her age but if I make the dress according to a size 3, which she is, it will drag the floor. I used the size 3 bodice piece and the size 3 collar but they don't match at all. The collar is 1 1/2" too small. What the f*#&??? I am an experienced seamstress. I've sewn for weddings. I know what I'm doing! Damn it! Now I have to cut a new collar and redo it. It's got eyelet all around it so it's not a simple fix. Here's the dress. I'm making it in lavender gingham.


I need to send them a sternly worded email......think they will listen? Me either. Rat bastards!

Air Time

Kirk's rides went well this weekend. He had a 60 mile practice ride on Saturday and a 40 mile on Sunday. He is sore but did well! I am so proud of him and told him so. He is doing the BP MS150, http://www.ms150.org/ms150/it's a 150 mile bicycle ride next month from Houston to Austin to benefit MS research. He is doing this as a way on honoring a man in his past who gave him a helping hand that has MS. I think it shows his character to do something like this to support a cause he believes in and also his level of commitment to things he cares about. What a great man I have!

Normally when he calls we talk 6-15 minutes on the average. He's not a phone guy. We talked Saturday for almost 1/2 an hour and on Sunday for a full 30 minutes, he then called back at 12:15 a.m. and again at 6:30 a.m. this morning! WOW! This is the kind of communication I want. It started out that way and then slacked off. (Could be because of my slight depressed jag; wasn't a lot of fun for those 2 weeks.) I have a friend that I met on the same website I met Kirk on that lives in Colorado. He calls and we talk for an hour about everything. He is a great guy, but just a friend. He is respectful and interesting and never pressed for more than friendship so I'm comfortable with it. Anyway, I digress....I wish Kirk would talk for an hour! We are compatible on soooooooo many levels and when we are together we talk but he's just not a phone guy. Can't have everything! Kirk is an "I Love Lucy" fan, He has season 1 on DVD and I have 2, 3, & 5. Kirk just bought the first season of the 2nd greatest show on earth "The Dick Van Dyke Show" which more than covers the phone time issue! Honestly, how many men do you know that love both of those shows....which are my favorite 2 shows on earth! A match made in heaven! The spelling of my name came from that show. Mom read it in TV Guide listing while she was pregnant with me and liked the spelling. There is also a writer or something on the show named Marjorie Mullen, which is my Mom's name. So I have a connection to the show that is rather cool!

Anyway...I can live with little phone time. Relationships are all a compromise and we have to decide which are deal breakers and which are not. Phone time is not! I Love Lucy.... could be!