Learning

As I am on a never ending quest of self-improvement I've learned some more things about myself. This one Stevie Wonder could see...I have a bad tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING, EVERY FREAKING THING! I hate it. I need to learn to stop. While home last weekend I was talking with my son Matt and finally he said "Mom, do this." and he slouched down in the lawn chair. Then he says; "Now do this." He tilts his head to the left and rests his head on his shoulder. Then he says "Watch the grass grow!" I need to learn to clear my mind and just watch the grass grow.

I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.

My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.

I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.

He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.

Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!