Taking Control

You know when you take control of your own life it's amazing what happens. I have shared my victory of shedding 150 pounds with several of my co-workers and have been asked a lot of questions; What's it like to lose an entire person? How did you do it? What's the biggest difference? You must feel great about yourself now don't you?

The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.

To answer their questions;

1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.

2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.

3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.

4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.

In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.

Life is Sweet!