Learning

As I am on a never ending quest of self-improvement I've learned some more things about myself. This one Stevie Wonder could see...I have a bad tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING, EVERY FREAKING THING! I hate it. I need to learn to stop. While home last weekend I was talking with my son Matt and finally he said "Mom, do this." and he slouched down in the lawn chair. Then he says; "Now do this." He tilts his head to the left and rests his head on his shoulder. Then he says "Watch the grass grow!" I need to learn to clear my mind and just watch the grass grow.

I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.

My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.

I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.

He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.

Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!

What It's All About

I am having a very hard time as of late. I'm working diligently on it. Life is getting better.

I went to Indy this past weekend to see my family. My baby boy, Matt, rushed to the airport to pick me up because my sis got delayed. He climbed out of his truck and rushed over to me, threw his arms around me and hugged me and I just burst into tears. He's 26 years-old but still my baby. He loves his Mom. He's a good boy. It was so very good to see him. I love my kids so much. I did the same thing when I saw my oldest son, David. It was just what I needed, that love of a child for their mother. Nothing like it!

I spent Friday night with my sis, Kim, she came over to Matt's to pick me up since she didn't make it to the airport on time. Saturday night with David and Teresa, and Sunday night with Matt and Tammy. Tammy took me to the airport this morning. Saturday Kim and I went out for breakfast and then she gave me a ton of clothes that she can't wear anymore because she is too skinny! Speaking of...the boys were shocked by my weight loss...they've never seen me this thin that they would remember! It was great to see their reactions! Kim and I talked and talked and had a great time. She prayed with me too and gave me a great Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am currently reading and so far am quite impressed.

Saturday night I just hung out with Dave and Teresa while Maddy played in the court with the neighborhood kids. We talked and talked...it was great! He is going through some issues as well, he is his mother's son..poor guy! He sure is funny though. No one can make me laugh like he can! I love him so much! Teresa just got a promotion and was given a company car, it's is NICE too! They just picked the car of Saturday morning so she's on the new car high!

Sunday we all went to Target and had a family portrait taken...all 10 of us! We were squeezed in there but they got us all in. I'll post the pic when I get them back! We all wore black shirts and jeans. We looked like a gang! The kids had pics taken of their families too! We all went to Olive Garden for lunch first and for the first time in my life I could actually afford to pick up the tab for everyone. It felt really good to be able to do it!

Sunday afternoon I helped Matt lay some pavers to extend his driveway by 2 feet. We had fun and I learned how to do it should I ever have the need. We talked and talked and prayed together. He is young but he is wise in the ways of the Lord. I am very proud of this fact. He loves God, he does his best to serve God and live for Him and lead his family as a Christian husband and father should.

I have awesome kids!

The highlight of the whole weekend happened this morning. I told Heather to wake me up before Tammy took her to school so she could say goodbye as I had to leave before she would get back from school. She did and a few minutes later Robert stuck his head in and said goodbye. Then Mary wanted to come in too. Tammy let her and rather than say goodbye and go with Tammy to take the kids to school she climbed in the bed with me and fell asleep. Tammy stuck her head back in the door and asked if it was OK if Mary stay with me. Of course I let her stay there. That is what life is all about. I woke up sad because of this depression but then was so blessed by that precious little girl cuddling up with her Grandma! It was pure joy to just sleep with her next to me. I woke up several times and just looked at her; at her chubby little hands and feet, her sweet little face looking like an angel while she slept. It made the whole trip! I decided then that no matter what happens that life is wonderful. I am truly blessed.

I called the kids once I made it back to Dallas and Tammy said that Mary fell asleep in the car after they dropped me at the airport and then slept on the couch once they got home until time to pick the kids up from school. When she woke up she asked for me. I guess she forgot about taking me to the airport or either didn't understand what that meant. She is my girl!

So, I'm doing better. I'm going to make it. I am armed this time and fighting this depression with everything in me.

Life truly is sweet when you have a wonderful family that loves the Lord and you!

Changes

I have uncovered the root of my recent round with depression....the weight loss. I went to my doctor today and she said this is VERY common with gastric bypass patients. We lose the weight and then we don't know who we are anymore. I'm not fat anymore so I don't have that shield of amour and my coping mechanism, i.e. food, is gone. I look in the mirror and I see a thin woman looking back at me. It's no freaking wonder I'm depressed. I need to learn a new coping skill.

I've had a lot of life changes lately; the divorce, the move, the additional responsibilities and increased presence at work, falling in love with Kirk, and now the additional weight loss. All big hitters but to happen within just a 7 month time frame is a lot. No wonder I crashed. My roommate knew it was all tied to the weight loss, I had no clue! I thought I was wigging out because of Kirk but nope, that's not it! At all!

My doc's husband is a peer to Kirk, they may not know each other but they are very similar in their careers. Both were college level orchestra instructors who are now teaching at high school level, both are very involved in their careers and both have the same "artsy personality", as she called it. She told me some things about her husband and how he is that shed so much light on Kirk that I was amazed. She said artsy people need wiggle room and that this is the busiest time of the year for them. She said her husband would go 3 days without calling and they lived in the same city so she would show up at his apartment and he'd say he was busy and had no time for her. He still loved her but she was hurt. Obviously it worked out as they are married and have 2 children now. I had no clue. Kirk said he was busy and stressed but he never explained why in any great detail. He told me a little but not much. As I have always been involved with men with low-end, low expectation jobs I had no clue about how demanding his job is. Now I know. All I needed was knowledge. Now I understand and can be supportive of him. I'd don't do well with ambiguity. I need to know what's going to happen a year from now. Kirk handles it very well. I asked him to be patient with me and he said that he would. I hope I didn't blow it with him. I don't think that I did. It all takes time, time to get to know each other and time to let the relationship grow.

So it's been a great day. I'm learning more about myself and moving forward.

Life is sweet!

I am

Stace did this so I am copying:

I Am

I am strong

I am in a state of constant self-improvement

I am exhausted as a result

but...

I am strong.

I love like there is no tomorrow

I hurt deeply, I give freely, I hold nothing back

I laugh from my soul, I cry from my soul, I love with my soul

I am weak but

I am strong.

Taking Control

You know when you take control of your own life it's amazing what happens. I have shared my victory of shedding 150 pounds with several of my co-workers and have been asked a lot of questions; What's it like to lose an entire person? How did you do it? What's the biggest difference? You must feel great about yourself now don't you?

The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.

To answer their questions;

1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.

2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.

3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.

4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.

In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.

Life is Sweet!

Victory

I got on the scale this morning and have now lost a grand total of 150 pounds! That's an entire human being! I cried tears of joy and gratefulness for God allowing me to reach such a monumental achievement. I've cried after being on the scale before but never from joy! I actually had to sit down I was so emotional. I am overjoyed! 35 more to go to my final goal.

It's been a long journey of overcoming the emotional triggers that got me that big in the first place and will continue to be a path of self-discovery and learning new ways to cope with things without eating but I know I can do it! I lost 150 pounds...I can do anything!!

This is my most recent pic, taken Easter morning. I can't believe that's me considering where I came from! Click here to see my "before" pic. http://randomactsofgenius1049.blogspot.com/2007/03/before-and-new-improved.html

The Drought is Over!!

Well, the rain finally came for my best friend! She's been about as down on her luck as a person can be. There were times when she had more than she could take but her spirit never broke, she always maintained that ray of hope. She embraced God's promises in Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The job will be something that will challenge her which she needs as she is the most intelligent person I have ever known and... includes a lucrative raise....and I mean lucrative! No one deserves it more than she does!

She is an inspiration to me. She's been there for me in times of need. We've been friends for longer than I can remember. I've watched all 3 of her kids grow up, two of them since birth, we've been there through marriages and divorces, times that we don't' talk about but do share a giggle over that only the other knows what really happened but would never tell! Cried together, laughed together, through good times and bad. We will be friends for the rest of our lives. And that is what life is all about. Good friends and family!

So here's to you, Stace! Congratulations!!!

Update on Mary

Here are some pics of her sweet face today.....poor baby! She is doing well though and doesn't seem to have any lasting effects so far. As a matter of fact Tammy had her back in Wal-Mart and the stinker stood up in cart. She is her father made over....no fear!

Mary

My granddaughter Mary fell, actually did a swan dive, out of a shopping cart at Wal-Mart yesterday evening, landed on her forehead and is now all bruised and swollen. My DIL, Tammy, rushed her to the hospital and they performed a CAT scan and there doesn't appear to be any damage to her brain so thank God for that! There just "happened" to be a trauma nurse in the same aisle when she fell. I believe God put the nurse there! She looked Mary over and told Tammy to get her to a hospital as fast as she could.

Here are a few pics of they emailed to me last night. Please pray for Mary to be healed with no lasting effects from the fall. (That's her Daddy, my youngest son, Matt, behind her.)






The shirt Mary has on says "My Grandma, My pacifier, My pony - In that order" Love that shirt! :)

Is the Honeymoon over?

http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/relationships_questions-tango;_ylc=X3oDMTI2NXQ0dmM2BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDOTczMDg0ODcEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawNyZWxhdGlvbnNoaXBzX2NvbW1pdHRpbmctdGFuZ28-

This is a great article on relationships and how to know if the honeymoon is over! I'm not married but I still think it's great advice!

Light Bulb Moment

After much soul searching, tearful conversations with my sister, Kim, my roommate Kimberly who is going to school to be a counselor/social worker, and my best friend, Stacey. I figured out why I am so anxious over this relationship with Kirk. My past. I have been lied to and left by men who claimed they loved me. They said the words. Then they left me anyway. They mistreated me, disrespected me in too many ways to count and I allowed it, and then they left.

Kirk has been busy with his life. He made a commitment to do this BP MS150 ride, he is guardian to his grandmother, he got sick. All things that were either prior commitments before he met me or out of his control. I was coming home from the gym a few minutes ago and it dawned on me. All the years I sat at home and waited on my ex-husband to want to spend time with me were painful. He spent 90% of his free time with his friends and left me home alone. When I would call him he would say he was actually on his way home and then show up 2-3 hours later. I would prepare dinner and as it was almost finished he'd say he was going to the "pen", (The Roping Pen a hole-in-the wall ghetto place to buy stolen property, bootleg liquor, ride a horse, and find extramarital sex. He participated in all these activities.) He wouldn't even show me the respect to eat the dinner I had just prepared with me. He wanted me to put a plate in the oven for him and I did. I allowed him to treat me that way for 12 years before I'd had enough and left. So now that Kirk doesn't have the time to see me I panicked and felt it was the same thing all over again. It's not. I'm comparing apples to oranges. I didn't realize that was what I was doing but it was. I have prayed for God to reveal to me what it was I was supposed to learn this weekend and this is it. I'm still upset that I didn't get to see Kirk but I learned a lesson that is more valuable than rubies. God is good.

Stacey is the one who shed the most light on this for me. I know she reads my blog so I want to publicly say thank you, girl! She knows the pain and sorrow I've endured through the years at the hands of men that I have allowed to mistreat me. She pointed out that I am playing my old tapes and need to get new ones. She also pointed out that I have started out this relationship in a different way and that it is all new territory to me, it's very unfamiliar so I don't quite know what to do. I thought about what she said and realized that if I wanted to repeat my old patterns, that are comfortable like an old ratty shirt and pair of jeans, I could. But it's time for new clothes. New clothes are nice, attractive, desirable, yet stiff and unfamiliar. It takes a while to get comfortable in something new yet we all love new clothes and how they make us feel. Change is hard. Change is stressful. Yet change is good.

I still may get to see Kirk this weekend. If he is feeling better I may go down tomorrow for the night. If not then hopefully, next weekend. But I know that he is not dumping me or ignoring me. He is living his life with balance. I need to learn to do the same. I can't and won't be all consumed by Kirk. I need to remember that he is the cherry on top of my sundae, not my entire sundae. It's hard to learn new tapes but I can do it. I can do anything I want!

Life is Sweet!

Princess Dress

The dress was a hit. Mary calls it her "Princess Dress" and threw a shit fit when made to take it off! She got on the phone and said "I like my Princess dress, Ga-maw. I got a crown too. I love you." and off she went! Now how could that not make your heart melt? I sent some Easter goodies for all 4 kids along with the dress, so the tiara, wand, earrings and ring were in the box too. She loved it!

So I have forgiven Simplicity for the f-up'd pattern. Life goes on! Grandkids are the best...I highly recommend them. Don't have kids just wait for the grandbabies...they're LOTS more fun!

Here is the princess!

Sad

Sad does not scratch the surface of how I feel right now. I wanted to see Kirk so badly. He said I could come tomorrow to watch him sleep but I won't. Not unless he calls Saturday morning and is feeling much, much better. Kim and I prayed for him to be healed. He did go to the doc and get some antibiotics. I may go Sunday depending on how he's feeling. I really need to see him. It's been too fucking long. He got this from some kid at school who coughed in his face, he is furious. Not only is he sick, he is missing his training and organized ride Saturday, but we can't see each other this weekend. This really sucks..... big donkey ones. I know in the grand scheme of things it may not seem a big deal but imagine you couldn't see your husband or boyfriend or child or someone you love from now until May 7th. That's a fucking long time! It will be even longer if he doesn't feel better by Sunday. It will be almost 6 weeks if we have to wait until next weekend. I am devastated. I truly am. I am angry at God for allowing him to be sick. I am hurt. I am upset. I am mad. I am fucking mad. I have been through so much hurt and pain and don't understand why I can't have a little happiness and joy for a change. I know I'm whining and having a pity party but damn it, enough is enough already.

Off to Houston I Go!---------NOT

FINALLY......Kirk and I have a weekend together! I'm heading down tomorrow morning. He is off work as schools are closed for Good Friday. I should get there around 3:00-3:30. I miss him, terribly. I don't know if my heart can take this relationship or not. I'm scared. Pray for me. It's either one of two things. 1) It will last the rest of my life. 2) It will not. #2 scares the hell out of me.

I love so deeply so I also hurt deeply. How does another person get so much control to break your heart? How did he work his way into my heart and soul? He really is in my soul now. I can't imagine life without him yet it's just too freaking soon to feel this way. So you see why I am scared shitless. What's a girl to do? Follow my heart? Run like hell in the opposite direction? The polls are open until 12:00 midnight tomorrow. Let the voting begin...

4/6/07 12:30 p.m. -UDATE: Kirk called at 7:45 this morning and is very sick. He asked me to not come today. He's going to the doctor to get some antibiotics and said he'll let me know if he feels better tomorrow. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. I don't know if I can go another weekend without seeing him. I had so many things I wanted to discuss with him about our relationship and now I'm put off again. God, what are you doing? Why is this happening? Show me what it is I am supposed to learn from this. Why am I so upset? I would let Kirk come see me if I were sick but he doesn't want me to come down until he feels better. I know some men are like that, they just want to be left alone when they don't feel good. I guess he is one of them. This really sucks.

This is kind of off topic but a friend and I had a deep discussion last night and he said some things that floored me. He said that I am powerful, intelligent, and have the presence to do whatever I want in life. He said I am a true leader. Why don't I see it? I told him Kirk said I could be CEO of my company if I wanted to and he said "you could", but I don't see it. My roommate says I am the most intelligent person she knows and she knows some people with PhD's. But I don't' see it. I asked him what he meant by power. He said that my vision is big and that I always strive to improve myself and dig deep and that is power, power that can take me anywhere I want to go and that not many people have that. I don't see it. Why? I'm going to try to tap into that and see what I can do with it. Continually striving to improve yourself is exhausting!

I feel like a fuck-up most of the time. I let my peers at work intimidate me daily. They ask me questions that I don't know the answers to so how am I so intelligent? During most meetings I am bored out of my mind and don't engage because I want to tell them all to shut the fuck up as their ramblings are idiotic! They say the dumbest things, make the stupidest decisions yet all look at each other with pride that they have just saved the world. It makes me sick. I am speaking of my extended group of peers and not the core group I work with nightly as they totally rock! I guess that is what my friends means in the statement that I see the bigger picture. I see people worry about and make big deals out of the small shit that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. My philosophy is "Will it make a difference 100 years from now? If not then who gives a shit!"

All I know is that I've got some more work to do on myself. God help me to see what it is you're telling me so I can get it down and move on. I'm tired. Enough already!

F.B.----Me?

I received this months rent check from my ex and once again it's made out to just "Lora". No last name on the envelope or the check. However, once again in the subject line it reads "April Rent F.B." the month before it was "March Rent F.B.". What do you think FB stands for? My first inclination is foxy babe, or fine babe, or even fantastic beauty! However, my gut tells me it means "fucking bitch".

Now why all the hostility, peaches? Did I cheat on him? No. Did I spend all the money on beer and Crown Royal for my loser friends? Again, the answer is no! Did I leave him home alone, night after night after night after night? Hmmmm.....no! I suggest you put on your big boy pants and get over it! Move on, bucko! I have. But I guess fucking bitches can move on faster! Lucky me!

Life is Sweet!

Mary's Easter Dress

It's done! I think it's too big but at least it's done. She can wear it this year and next if nothing else......

It's hard to see in this pic but the ribbon around the waist is organdy. The details on the front waist are bows with a seed pearl in the center . She is going to look like an angel with those big blue eyes of hers! I love seeing little girls in girly dresses. I have the bug now and will have to make some matching dresses for her and Emily!

Life is Sweet!

Grandma is OK

Good news!! Kirk's Grandmother is fine! It was not a broken hip, it was only a bruise. He flew from Houston to Baltimore for a bruise. I would make sure the idiot that called me up there had a broken hip before I left if I were him.

More good news; we will see each other this weekend! YEAH!!

Life is Sweet!