Life is Good!!

I'm really starting to settle into my new single life and it's pretty darn good! My list of responsibilities has reduced considerably. I have 1/3rd the laundry, you'd think it would be 1/2 but it's not! No complaining here! I have 1/10th the dishes because I don't cook; back to my Wine Cooler and Wheat Thin's dinner pattern, however due to my alcohol allergy I am now drinking Ace's Perry Cider instead of the wine cooler. I must admit that Kim and Kelly do cook and always share with me. Man, do they ever cook good stuff too; last night Kelly made "California Chicken", it was a chicken breast sauteed in some spices, covered with a slice of Swiss cheese and fresh avocado slices, and a salad with feta cheese, olives, wasabi peas, sun dried tomatoes, and croutons. DELICIOUS!! They eat like that all the time. The night before it was grilled red fish and oven roasted zucchini with fresh garlic and shredded Parmesan. See what I mean! They spend most of their time at Kelly's house so I don't really see them more than 2 days out of the week anyway. Kim and I are having a maid come in on the weekends now so I won't have to clean anymore either! SWEET! I've never had a maid before! Now you know why I've titled this post "Life is Good!!" cause......IT IS!!!!!!!!

I've already started shopping online for things for my new house, so my eyes are set on the future. It will be at least a year from now before I start shopping for a house but I want to know in advance what I want for it and will know what to save and what to expect rather than walk into it blind. I have my eye on the kind of washer and dryer I want, I've already picked out my new flatware and dishes at Crate and barrel. I have the bedroom suite waiting at Ashley Furniture, the comforter set is also at Crate and Barrel. I've been a busy girl! All this stuff and I haven't spent a dime.

I think the most, no, I know the most, important change I've made is in myself. I may not know everything I want from my next relationship but I do know what I don't want. That in itself is a major discovery. It took me a long time to get to this point in life but I really like who I am and know what I want. It will be a long time before I am ready for another relationship because I have too much I want to do first. I want my Master's degree, that is of the utmost importance to me. I want to write that book I've been talking about my entire life. And I want to own my own house. Then I'll have time for Mr. Right. I want to be a on my own for a while. I'm not afraid to be single and am going to enjoy every moment of it. Not saying I won't date every now and then but I'm not up for anything serious or heavy for a long, long time.

I'm so happy right now that my feet are barely touching the ground! Reminds me of a cartoon my sister gave me once. It had a drawing of two women talking and the caption reads: "I just lost 175 pounds of useless flab." The other woman says "Did you go on a diet?" and the first woman says "No, I got a divorce."

One more divorce joke:

A perfect greeting card for your ex: front of card would say: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...". Then you open the card and it says: "that you're not here to ruin it for me."

I am 47% white

I took a test to tell how "White" I am! Here are my results. There is a link at the bottom of the page if you want to take it too! See why I like black men, I'm less than 1/2 white! :)

Middle Man You are 47% White

Ok so you did pretty good on the test. Your score says you appreciate different cultures, but you cant hide your true self. Just like the pic, you roll with the cool crowd, but you still go home to your mommy and eat macaroni and cheese.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on whiteness

Link: The How White Are You Test written by alleyandbrandon on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Update on Mom

Mom is still in the hospital and may get to go home tomorrow. Turns out it was the change of BP medicine that caused her BP to shoot through the roof and the subsequent lack of oxygen to her brain. She sounds OK on the phone but Robin says she is getting tired very easily, just a shower wore her out.

She must be feeling better as she was thinking about fixing me up with her doctor. He is 6'3", impeccably dressed, no wedding ring, and African-American. She knows I love me some black men, and a DOCTOR too! I told her to send Robin back to the house to get a really good picture of me she keeps in her office and be sure to tell him I've dropped 100 pounds since it was taken! Mom is a riot!

Robin will be staying with her as long as necessary. I'll be going up in a few weeks to spend a few days with her. Don't know if Kim is planning on spending any time with her or not. I hope she will be OK and not have any lasting repercussions from this.

My Uncle Ronnie has done terrific and will get to go home early next week. He had a quadruple bypass but was in good overall health to start so is making an extraordinarily fast recovery.

This is a picture of Mom and Uncle Ronnie's wife, Aunt Becky.

Cats & Dogs

OK, another boring self-discovery story for you! I feel like an Amway distributor that just got started and is trying to tell everyone she knows about this fantastic new household cleaner that your life is not complete without. 'OK, you love it but the rest of us are bored out of our minds. So, shut up already!' I am FINALLY figuring out who I am and it's pretty darn cool to go through such a period of growth admist all the turmoil and chaos in my life.

A friend asked me what is more dangerous, a pit bull or a house cat? I chose the pit bull because they are known to attack and kill people all the time. Wrong answer. He says that it's the cat. Why you may ask? Think about it. You can stop a dog, once you grab one of his legs and hold him up he's done. Try that with a cat and you'll look like you were put in a paper shredder. Dogs are easier to fend off. They have more ways to be stopped and then are rendered harmless. Where cats are intelligent and don't get too upset over things but when they attack you know you've been attacked. The dog will come at the cat, barking, snarling, growling and the cat runs up in a tree and looks at the dog "Stupid dog!", and takes a nap until the dog wears itself out and goes on.

I am the cat and my ex is the dog. He is all bark. He is snarling, and growling. He has no idea who he is dealing with. I can take him down with one swipe and he's too busy making noise to realize it. He is truly a dog, he ran around sniffing bitches asses and peeing on stuff to mark his territory because he could. I sat in the tree and watched and when I had enough I took my shit and left. Now he's licking his wounds and I'm safe and sound and have a great future.

My friend also told me something that makes a lot of sense. He said "Don't stress the small shit..it only stinks but it won't kill you. Instead worry about the elements that surround you that can take your life. Once you look at it that way you don't get so fucked up in the head about the small shit and it becomes less taxing." Profound, simple yet profound. I have been stressing over my ex well guess what? The enlightened cat doesn't care anymore. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He made the decision he made on his own. So I made mine based on the need for self-preservation. No, actually for self-growth and to let my spirit soar to new heights. I want so much out of life and I'm the only one who has been holding me back.

Today is my oldest son's 28th birthday. I called him to wish him a 'Happy Birthday' and he asked about his grandma and then said he's been so focused on her that he has forgotten to ask how I am doing. He said "I am afraid that you are to the point where you will start feeling sorry for him and think that maybe he really didn't cheat on you. You'll think 'I didn't catch him in the act so maybe he didn't.' and I don't want you to do that. Your marriage has always been so one sided. He has always done what he wanted with no regard for you. I don't want you to go back to him, Mom." I promised him I am not going back. To hear him say those things to me was so heart warming. He is such a good son and I am so blessed to have him.

I am really beginning to experience true joy that comes from being free. I am free to go where I want, do what I want, and say what I want. I will NEVER be under the thumb of another man again. Kimberly said something to me Friday morning that was very profound. She said "Lora, God didn't give you the intelligence He did (she says I'm the most intelligent person she's ever known~I told her to increase her circle) without having a greater purpose for your life. He has something big in store for you. Satan knows it and that's why he started messing with you so early in your life (I was molested by my biological father from the age of 2 or 3 until I was 10). He keeps throwing these distractions at you to keep you from being all you can be and you let him get away with it. Stop focusing on the shit in the middle of the floor and look at the big picture."

So, you can see that I have some very insightful people on 'Team Lora'. Great friends who are here to support me every step of the way. Helping me be all I can be, helping me see that I am the one who's had ahold of the reins. It's time for me to drop the reins and soar! I look at the people who are my friends and I am so impressed by their caliber. They are so intelligent and are geniunely great people with hearts of gold. I used to feel like I was an imposter who just happened to slip into this elite group. Now I know that I belong with them because like attracts like.

Life is good!

Sweet Mama Sita

My Mom may have had a stroke this morning. She is in the hospital right now. They ran an EKG and a CAT scan and both came back normal so that is good. She said she kept dropping things this morning like the toothpaste and then the phone. Then her foot went numb and then her face. She had a stroke at the age of 36 and these were the same symptoms. Her only sibling, her brother Ron, is scheduled to undergo a heart bypass operation tomorrow. So that combined with my mess was more than she can take. Her cruise was NOT relaxing and I think the stress buildup was more than she can handle. She called my sister, Kim, and told her how much she loved her and how proud she is of her last week. It was a call out of the blue and set off some bells and whistles for Kim anyway. So that has us pretty scared. People do things like that right before my leave this life. If I lost my mother I would be lost. I talk to her everyday, some times twice a day. She is my soft place to fall. I started calling her Mama Sita when I was in high school and it stuck. We all call her that now. I was at a friends house and she had a Christmas album playing and it had a Spanish song that went "Mama Sita where is Santa Clause, oh where is Santa Clause? It's Christmas Eve." So I went home singing it and began to call her Mama Sita. She is a sweet mother. She's always been there for us, she has her moments, but for the most part you couldn't ask for a better mother. I adore her and lean on her and always have. If she has some effects from this then it will be her turn to lean on me and I'll be there for her; every minute of every day because she is my Sweet Mama Sita.

I talked to my sister a little while ago and Mom is in the clear. They changed her blood pressure medicine and that could be what caused this. They are going to let her go home tomorrow. My little sister is flying in to stay with Mom and keep an eye on her for a while. This is some scary stuff. We already lost our Dad and it's too soon to lose our Mom. Please pray for her.

The Truth

Written: Thu, June 14, 2006 11:57 PM

Sometimes in life someone will tell you the truth. The old saying “the truth hurts” is true. But a true friend will tell you the truth at the risk of hurting your feelings if they feel that the outcome will make you a better person. Last night a true friend told me the truth.

In a nutshell he told me to develop some balls and get some self-esteem. He started the conversation with “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.” He went on to tell me that I am afraid of standing up to my husband and this divorce issue because I lack self-confidence and there is no reason I don’t have it. He said I am a “beautiful, intelligent woman, with a good heart.” That I have a lot going for me and I need to realize that and tell David how it’s going to be and take control of my life and gain my freedom. It took everything in me to fight the tears as he spoke because I had mixed emotions going on. #1 I knew he was right, and #2 I was mad that someone saw my weakness and was calling me out on it. I can’t stand to be seen as weak in any area. The truth hurts.

He went on to tell me that God gives us opportunities and if we continue to ignore them that He will eventually pull the opportunity away. We pray for His help and need to take it when He offers. I felt like an idiot; an idiot that had just had a light bulb moment!

I could barely sleep last night as I had thoughts racing through my mind every time I woke up. I called my Mom first thing this morning and shared this with her and her first comment was “Where is this young man? I want to hug him. Finally, someone besides your family told you the truth!!!” It’s been an emotional day for me because I have realized that I am a damn good woman and I don’t have to settle for any crap from anyone. I do know exactly what I want and it’s not this marriage. I talked to my husband today and told him that I am going to file in 2 more weeks. We’re going to pay the land taxes on Monday and then have a meeting on working out the details of the divorce. I have earned this freedom. I’m going to enjoy this freedom. I’m going to start living this freedom immediately. It’s been a wonderful day!

God puts people in our lives for a reason. I know I’ll always hold this man in a special place in my heart because he was strong enough and cared enough to tell me the truth. I was in the place I was last night so I could hear this message. God chose this man to give it to me and I’ll never forget that moment when the light’s came on.

Life is good and I’m going to enjoy every moment and be happy!

Broken Heart

I have tried and tried but can't get over the fact that my husband went to see those strippers. I guess it's because I've lost 130 pounds but I'm still not enough for him that he had to go look at other women. He accidentally recorded a conversation with his daughter about my weight before I had the weight loss surgery and it was pretty ugly. So I lost the weight and then this happens. I feel like I'm not enough for him and that all my hard work was not good enough.

He is not into porn; not magazines, not videos, or titty bars. I guess that's why this has affected me like it has. I don't do it for him and I guess I never will. I know I posted that I still love him a few months ago and I guess in many ways I do but I'm tired of being hurt and neglected. Love is not enough. And it has to go both ways. My love for him is dying.


You know what the next step is and so do I.

Best Christmas Present Ever

I got the best Christmas present ever from my oldest sister this year. She took a black and white picture that was taken at Olan Mills when we were 2 & 4 years-old and blew it up and framed it. When I opened it up I just busted out crying. I saw two little girls who were best friends then and who are still best friends today. It represents the constant presense she has been in my life. And how no matter what has happened that she has been there, right beside me, just like in the picture, since the very first breath I took. She has never judged me or turned her back on me. No one knows me or understands me or has been there for me more than her. I can't explain what she means to me with just words. She is my rock! She makes me laugh and cry and will go to the ends of the earth for me and I'd do it for her too.

It may seem like a simple gift but the thoughtfulness of it blew me away. It is so precious and I'll cherish it everytime I look at it and thank God for giving me such a beautiful sister! Our relationship is what sisterhood is all about. I would wish everyone could have a sibling relationship like ours if I had a wish to grant.

I love you, Kim! I thank God for allowing me to be your sister and your best friend too.

6th Anniversary

Who would have thought I'd be happily married after 6 years. I was miserable after 2 years with my first husband. It's been almost 12 years since I met David and I still get excited when I know he's coming home from work, or when I pull in the drive after a long day and see him out by the barn! The feel of his arms around me makes me weak in the knees. I never knew true love before and am sure glad I found it while I was still young enough to enjoy it but old enough to know what it was.

It's not been an easy 6 years. He does unbelievably stupid things ( see the Grandma Again" post) sometimes but in the end I know that he truly loves me. I know I'm not perfect either so I forgive him just as I want him to forgive me. He is my port in the storm, my soft place to fall, my best friend, my lover, and my husband all rolled into one. We fight battles together. We laugh together. We cry together. We stay together.

So Happy 6th Anniversary, Herb! I love you more than my luggage. From your Peaches :)

Grandma Again!

Great news! I'm going to be a Grandma again in July! Matt and Tammy are expecting baby #2 or would it be #4?? in July. Mary will be 2 years-old so it will be perfect timing for them to be close as they grow up together. My oldest sister and I are 2 years apart and she is my #1 best friend and will always be! I hope it's another girl, although Matt wants a boy...go figure.

The rest of my life is plugging along. My husband is being a pain lately. He decided it was a good idea to go to a bachelor Party and watch 10 completely naked women dance while Isaiah sat in the truck for 2 hours. Can we say "selfish" or "bad idea" or "lousy Grandfather"????? Cranial-rectal inversion took over that day! I asked him if he died today where would he go and he replied "probably hell" so I shared the plan of salvation out of the book of Roman's with him. He didn't make any changes that day but I'm praying for him. I know the Devil wants to keep him but God wants him more and we know who will win. The Bible says the "unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife" (and vice versa) so I am praying very hard for his salvation. I have faith I will win this one despite Satan's attacks because the Bible also says "He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world." So the devil can bring it on...I have staying power to win this fight! At church on Sunday, this man who I never met before was playing the piano and spoke to me from the platform. He said "Sister in the tan jacket, I have a word from God for you. God knows your pain and He wants you to know that He has not forgotten you. He will fulfill His prophecy to you. Do you know what I'm talking about?" I nodded my head and proceeded to cry like a baby. So I know, that I know, that David will become a Christian and leave his drinking and bad ways behind him. If you believe too than please, please join me in prayer. It's going to take an Army of Christian soldiers to tear him away from the Devil but we can do it with God's help.

OK, on to other things. I get to go see my family in Indy on Dec 10-14th and can't wait! 5 days of spoiling Mary! Woo hoo!

The job is going well! I passed my 90 days so I guess I get to stay! YEAH!!!!

Time to go home now, I have a conference call for a committee meeting so need to go home to make the call. Beats driving all the way into work to attend the meeting in person!

West Nile and Blessings

A lot has happened since my last post. I still don't have a home phone so must go to the local library to access the internet. No problem though!

Our colt, Liberty, has gotten and almost recovered from West Nile. She is our miracle horse as the vet said he would have put her down. I didn't know it at the time but David was giving her one more day and then was going to end her suffering. But he went out to check on her and she was standing up in her stall after being down for almost a week. She couldn't walk for 6 days, had ground her teeth so bad that her mouth was bleeding and was so cut up from rolling around on the ground trying to stand up! But she is well on her way back. She had a bad hematoma from where we had to rig up some girt's and suspened her from the bucket on the tractor to move her back to the stall when she couldn't walk. The vet lanced it and subsquently we've given her penicillian shots and I've had to irrigate the wound and clean it out daily. We've also given her extra vitamins everyday and pampered her! She follows me around now like a dog when I go out to the pasture. She will be our baby forever and we'll never sell her to anyone! Not after all this. I think God healed her. I prayed over her everyday and left my tears running down her cheeks as I sobbed over her. It was so sad to see her just laying there suffering as she was. But God answered my prayers and raised her up! I've considered changing her name to Lazarus. She is a fighter and will be spoiled rotten the rest of her life!

Isaiah is coming along. He is "sick" today. I don't think he is a sick and he claims. He LOVES being sick as it was one of the many ways he'd get attention from his mother. We aren't playing into it and he has had to stay in his bed all day. If he's not sick he'll not pull this stunt again anytime soon! Nothing worse than laying in bed all day when you're not sick. I played sick when I was about 8 and my Mom made me stay in bed all day and I didn't try that one again! No fun!

Had a birthday party for David and his brother Walter this weekend. It was a last minute thing but it was so much fun. We just played music and had some friends over. Broke out the cards played Spades too. It was a blast!

I've certainly been blessed in the last few months. I have a fantastic job, my colt is recovering from West Nile, my son had an accident on a dirt bike and spent the night in the hospital but is fine now, and we are getting caught up on our bills. God has been working overtime in my life! I am truly blessed!!!!!

No ETA on the home phone so I'll update again as I can.

Update on Life

Life is good! The new job is going well. They tried to kill me but I survived :) For 2 weeks I had to do "Team Member Training" which consisted of doing the work my direct reports will do. So the first week I loaded trailers with box after box after box in the Texas heat. It was the hardest work I have done in my life! Then the next week I slung box after box after box on to the conveyor system, uncloged jams on the lines, and stuck label after label to box after box. I felt like Lucy in the Chocolate Factory episode. I could barely keep up! But.....I now have the ultimate compassion and respect for the people who report to me. Mission accomplished! I still don't have my permanent schedule yet but hope to get the weekday shift, not the weekend or night shift. I have faith in God that He'll get me the best shift!

Things are hard with Isaiah. He seems so "unguided" and had no clue how to be a normal person. It's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be to have a child again but David and I are working on this together and are both putting 110% into this child. It's a delicate balance to introduce discipline into his life without making him feel like we are riding him every minute of the day. He's run into trouble at school with the kids making fun of his weight and calling him "gay". He is not very "boyish" and acts goofy so I can see why they pick on him. I asked him what color he wanted to paint his room and he replied "eggshell" so I am kinda worried about the "gay" thing! LOL But we are taking it one day at a time. I applaud all grandparents who are forced to take in their grandchildren to raise. It's not easy! I thought I was done and could enjoy my middle age! WRONG! :) But, we are here for Isaiah for the long haul. He is ours and we won't turn our back on him!

I still don't have internet access at home or work (I'm at a friends house now) so don't know how long it will be until I can get on here again. Hopefully, this week we can take care of it and get it back on! Till then.....God bless and be with you!

Job!!!!!

Glory be to God on Highest.........I have a permanent job! I start at a major retailers distribution center (can't say the name on a public blog as I saw an article that people have been fired for such) and start on August 22nd! My starting pay is more than I left Verizon at. How cool is that! God delivered big time! What I learned through my many months of unemployment:

1) Matthew 6:25 is what life is ALL about! "

I emailed this to my Daily Verse email group last Thursday, Aug 4th:

This is the meaning of my life. All the problems of being unemployed or underemployed in my case, mean NOTHING compared to what is to come. I am
redirecting my focus to what is eternal for everything in this life is just for a moment. Money, bills, problems really don't mean anything. Like the country song says "I never saw a hearse with a luggage rack." So with or without the means to pay my bills I will praise my God and ALL He has done for me. I hope you can find the joy in your heart that ONLY comes from putting ALL your trust and faith in Him. It says in Matt 6:25 "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?". This is one of the hardest verses to live by because our nature causes us to worry about what we will eat and if we can pay the light bill so we don't have to sit in the dark. But that's not what is important, What matters is our life and that we live it to bring glory to God in all we do. It is my prayer to love Him in all I do, not just when I am on my knees in prayer! I want to love Him when someone cuts me off in traffic. I want to love Him when I get a bill I can't pay. I want to love Him when my life seems to be in the toilet. In His Love, Lora

2) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be in debt again! I am going to pay off my credit cards, my car, and work on the mortgage. I am going to be a cash only woman from here on out! I am also going to have 3 savings accounts; 1. retirement, 2. emergencies 3. rainy days! Struggling to pay the bills sucks!

I never in a million years dreamed it would take me thins long to find a job. I thought I'd graduate and start work within a month at the longest. Well guess what? That didn't even come close to happening! I will be prepared from here on out, as best I can be, so that if David or I are unemployed ever again we won't be desperate again. It is NOT fun to be on the brink of bankruptcy for months on end. It is a miracle we didn't lose everything we own. God kept us treading water all these months!

So I am a very happy girl right now! We can afford to keep Isaiah, we can keep our house, our vehicles, and get out of debt.

The icing on the cake is that there is another DC in Indianapolis and my company likes to transfer people.....so I could end up going home too!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job Status

Still no permanent job......but......I had an interview with a major retailers Distribution Center in Midlothian, TX last Wednesday. It was a "cattle call" type interview with lots of other potential employees there. It took 4 hours! Six other potential employees and I were taken on a tour of the DC and then we were interview individually. My first one was with 3 people, the second with 2 others, and the third with 2 more. I was the last one there from my original group. They had back-to-back groups all day. I hope that is a good sign as they were either interested in me or I talk too much! Saturday I received an email with a personality/intelligence test. My sister said I have both so maybe I did well. It took me 90 minutes to complete the test on the internet so hopefuly I did well.

I REEAALLLY want to be a teacher but I know that Moses REEAALLLY wanted to go to the Promised Land too and didn't make it. So I'll be patient and see what happens. If God wants me at the job I interviewed for for a while then that's where I will go! If He wants me to stay where I'm at now, then I'll do that too! I am not going to worry about money any more. Matthew 6:25 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Some of the hardest verses to live by but I am going to try!

Enemy Attack

It seems the harder I try to be what God wants me to be the madder the devil gets and attacks me full force. No one ever said it was easy to live a Christian life, not even God. It is very hard because we live in a carnal body. We are to be "Christ like" but even Paul said he did the very things that he didn't want to do. It is a daily fight, hourly sometimes, to keep my flesh under control. The Bible says in Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." That self-control one is hard! I want to get mad and cuss and throw things. All that would do is make me feel better in the moment! Sometimes it's necessary as Jesus did that in the Temple when he turned over the money changers tables. But I'm not Jesus and I don't suppose it's OK to do that when someone in Wal-mart won't move their cart and I've said "excuse me" to them twice! :)

My Pastor told me last night that the way to have God's will in your life once He has already shown you what it is, is it to speak it in prayer. Not "God if it's your will for me to be a teacher...." I am to say "God, you told me it's Your will for me to teach. I claim a teaching position in Your name." Now that's speaking POWER into your life! I know it is what I am to do. The Bible says to speak with your mouth and I plan to do it.

I know that Satan knows I am near my Promised Land and he is doing everything he can to destroy me before I get there but I won't let him! No way, no how! He knows that I am prone to depression so he attacks me relationally so I have a spirit of despair. But according to Isaiah 61:3 "...and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." The only way to defeat the enemy is to know how he works. It's a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" kind of thing. You can't trick me if I know you are coming and am prepared. We have already defeated the devil through the blood of Christ so the devil is fighting a losing battle anyway. Go, Jesus!!!

So, I'll put on a garment of praise and go along my merry way! We can't manifest the joy God placed in our bellies at creation if we are constantly depressed. Let's get ready to rumble, Devil! You are going down!

Mother Again

Isaiah moved in with us officially again last night at 3:00 a.m. In many ways I am not ready for this. I did my time. I raised my boys. They were cute and tiny and had my blood in their veins. They were mine. Now I have a 182 pound boy of a different race. He is big and smelly and talks too much and moves too slow and has a mother somewhere else. But for some reason God wants me to be Isaiah's other mother. I know he needs me. He needs me to teach him so many things. Like how important education is. How to have manners. How to treat a home so that the furniture stays nice. How to be clean. How to act like you "got some sense". How to cut a pork chop with a knife and fork. But I need him too. To teach me that people are more important than furniture. That sometimes God likes you so much and thinks you did such a good job that He had another kid for you. That I am needed when so very many time I don't feel I am at all. That even though I have one son who won't speak to me that I am a good mother or I wouldn't get to raise another one.

I love Isaiah so much. It broke me into tiny pieces that still haven't ever gotten back in their original places when his mother took him from us. Having him back is bitter sweet. He is so messed up now. He is on 4 different psych drugs, he is grossly overweight, he is weaker than a new born baby, he has no clue about table manners. This is going to be so much work. It's going to wear me out, it's going to be hard on my marriage, it's going to cost me a fortune, it's going to take so much time that I don't want to spend. But I can't not do it because I love Isaiah so much.

I picture us talking, baking cookies, going to the library and having long conversations over books. He loves books, I love books, how cool is that! I have so much to teach him and so much to learn from him. This is going to be an adventure and I am ready for it.

The saddest part of this is that the reason we are getting him is that Cynthia, his mother, may be nearing the end. No one else will take him. She was going to put him in foster care if we didn't take him. We can't let that happen. Cynthia is very sick and in the hospital right now. To look at the fear and helplessness in my husbands eyes is more than I can bear. I can't imagine what it would be like to outlive one of my children. It's not supposed to be like that. Cynthia is only 33 years-old. Too young to die. To know there is nothing I can do to help my husband is awful. He is a good man. It tears me apart to see him hurt. I've never seen that look on his face before. I can't put it into words. He is scared and he knows he can't help his baby girl. It's a horrible thing.

So I'll be there for Isaiah and my husband and we'll do this the best way we can!

Sad day

I had to get rid of Sadie. She decided it would be a good idea to crawl under our house to enjoy her days. We live in a double wide and for her to be under there we are running a huge risk that she will tear up the duct work that contains our heat/AC work. It happened with another dog and we can't afford for it happen again. We can't afford to put a hot wire around the perimeter of the house to stop her from getting under there either. David tried to block her out but she is so big and strong that she gpt under there anyway.

I cried for several hours last night and again today. I miss my big girl. She came to me for a home and I couldn't help her because I can't afford to pay attention right now, let alone pay for damage she might cause. I didn't have the heart to put her on a chain out in the yard either. I think dogs should be free.

I miss her so much.

Tattoo's

My church had revival this past week and one of the preachers said something that really had an impact on me. He said “Satan will tattoo your past on your mind and use it to stop you from serving God.” He went on to explain that every time you start to do something for God that Satan will use that tattoo to remind you of “what you are” and “what you did” and make you think that God can’t use you. How could God use a sinner like me? After all I did “fill in the blank”. We all know what a tattoo is. It’s something permanent and will always be there. We can have it removed but there will always be a scar showing where it once was. However, with Jesus all things are possible. There might be a tattoo of all the things I did in my past that I am ashamed of, but God will not hold it against me. The tattoo might be there, but God doesn’t see it or even care about the scar.

I firmly believe that Satan is alive and well in America, roaming around seeking who he can kill and destroy and that we as the accepting, loving, anything goes, and lets-be-careful-not-to-offend-anyone people that we are, give him free reign. We allow him to destroy our lives and believe that things are OK when they are not. Depression is not OK, it’s a lie from the devil, and living together without the uniting in marriage is not OK. Satan is attacking our morals and destroying us. I don’t want to sound like a right wing liberal because I’m not. What I am is a Christian, I believe that if we do what the Bible says then we will be successful, we will be happy, and we will have the peace that we do desire in our lives. Joshua 1:8 says “Do not let this book of the Law depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night so that you will be careful to everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” NIV

I don’t believe that God is going to drop a Navigator in my driveway or have me stumble on a sack of $100 bills as I’m walking the dog. But I do believe that He will allow me to make ends meet and have a peace in my heart everyday that defies explanation. Man days are few and full of turmoil according to the Bible and as long as we are on this earth is not going to be easy because of the attacks from Satan. He wants us to be mad at God and blame our problems on God and not on who the real culprit is; Satan himself. But Jesus didn’t die on the cross for us to live a difficult life. He died to give us life and so that we could have it more abundantly. John 10:10-11says "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep."

Can you tell the revival got me all revved up? I am so on fire for God right now. I love Him, I praise Him, I worship Him! I want to take as many people to heaven with me as I can. I am ready to really work for God now!

Beautiful Story

This was sent to me today in an email and I thought it was a beautiful story and I had to share!
************
Beth Moore Apr 20, 2005 Knoxville Airport -

Waiting to board the plane: I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say that because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise.

Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego... I tried to keep from staring but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy grey hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long. Clean, but strangely out of place on an old man.

I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes sighting. Then, I remembered reading somewhere that he was dead. So this man in the airport... an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere?....

There I sat trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.

I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind.

"Oh no, God please no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!"...

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane."

Then I heard it..."I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair." The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm you're girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am on him. I am going to witness to this man."

Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair."

I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I suppose to brush his hair without a hairbrush?"...

God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works." (2 Tim 3:17) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself. Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies.

I knelt down in front of the man, and asked as demurely as possible, "Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?" "May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair? To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that. At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?"

At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to."

Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush."

"I have one in my bag," he responded. I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair. It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but I must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls.

Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and I brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair.

I know this sounds so strange but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I - for that few minutes - felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's.

His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knees, and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?"

He said, "Yes, I do." Well, that figures. He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said, "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself. What a mess I must be for my bride."

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it.

Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft. I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?"

I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share. I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!

I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way... all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

********

The part I bolded above about being in the wrong place really spoke to me. Maybe it is time to move on to a new church. I have been getting that feeling for a while and maybe that is why God is not giving me a good job....maybe he has someone he wants me to meet at another church that will lead me to the job He has for me. We shall see!

Sadie

Here is my new dog. Isn't she a beauty! She is big and loveable and very old. I hope if I wander on to someone's porch when I am old that they will love me too.

I'm glad you found me, Sadie!

Blessings

I have been so busy with my career problems that I haven't had time to post about the great moments of the kids visit. Here they are in order:

1) There is no feeling to compare to having your first grandchild in your arms and she lays her precious little head on your shoulder and nuzzles in your neck!

2) Mary's sweet little butt taking a bath in the kitchen sink! I'll never wash dishes in the sink again unless of think of her sitting in it playing with a "Teen-age mutant Ninja Turtle" cup that was her Daddy's when he was a little guy!

3) Heather climbing up in my lap and looking up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and in the saddest voice saying "Grandma Lora, I wish we could live in both Texas and Indiana like we do with my Dad. We live in both Mommy and Daddy's houses." I said "I know, Honey, I wish you could too. I'm going to miss you." and she said "I'll miss you so much." and then she put her head on me and hugged me. Made me want to cry. We just sat and rocked and watched "That's so Raven" and didn't say anything else. It was a real moment of bonding.

4) Tammy and I "out shooting" our husband's with the BB gun! We both hit 3 out of 4 shots at the soda can when our "marksman" husbands hit only 1 of 4! Girls rule, boys drool!!!!

5) Getting to know Tammy even better! She is the best mother in the world! She is definitely a Proverbs 31 woman. My son is so blessed to have her for a wife, as a matter of fact she may be too good for him! ha-ha just kidding! I love her so much and am so proud of her. I couldn't have picked a better mother for my first grandchild than Tammy. I hope David can find a woman half as good as Tammy for his wife. I prayed for her the whole time Matt was growing up, not knowing who she was, but that God would prepare her heart for Matt and vice versa. God answered that prayer with Tammy!

6) Getting Robert and Javale together! I always wanted them to be able to play together! I don't know who is worse! They are both all boy and had a grand old time climbing on the hay, swimming in the kiddie pool, and riding the horses together.

7) Celebrating my 45th birthday with my 5 favorite grandkids surrounding me! Tammy baked a birthday cake for me and all the kids gathered around the table and sang "Happy Birthday" to me and ate cake and ice cream. Hubby David took a picture of me with all of them but Mary, who was asleep, I'll always have great memories of this birthday.

It was a great visit. I thoroughly enjoyed having them here. Family is really a blessing and grandchildren are the biggest blessing of all!

Funny Guy

My husband is a riot! I was mowing the grass last week, we have a riding mower because our yard is ginormous, and all the sudden I noticed something behind me. It was the grill of his 2004 Dodge Ram 3500 pick-up truck! He was following me just for the fun of it. He needed to move the truck and something possessed him to "tail gate"me! I was cracking up!

He is so much fun! When I'm down and feeling blue he can always make me laugh! He does funny, spontaneous things that are just hysterical!

I mowed yesterday but the traffice was low!

I Quit!!

Friday is my last day! YEAH!!!!

I had a dentist appt and notified my supervisor and he was such a jerk about it that I wanted to quit on the spot. I did the right thing and gave them a weeks notice even though they wouldn't do that for me!

Here is the email exchange that prompted my quitting:

To: Jacob Ba....................
cc: (bcc:
Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B.....)
Subject: Re: Email Volume
Tuesdays is the only day the Oral Surgeon comes in. So it's the only day I can get the tooth pulled. Since I am asking 2 weeks in advance I didn't think it would have a negative impact on the job. That's why I am willing to go another 2 weeks with an exposed nerve in my tooth. I am really trying to be cooperative here.

*************************
JACOB B.........
05/25/2005 01:10 PM

To: Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B.......
cc:
Subject: Re: Email Volume
Lora,
The schedules are set the way they are for a reason. You and Matt get Wednesday off cause we have enough staff on that day but not enough on the other days of the week.

Is there a reason why you did not schedule this for Wednesday. Right now we do not need you to work on a Wednesday. That is why you have it off. Switching your days would only negatively effect Tuesdays service level. what would you suggest we do about this situation?
Jacob
*********************
Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B........
05/25/2005 12:10 PM

To Jacob B........
cc
Subject
Re: Email Volume

He I wanted me to come in tomorrow to have the tooth pulled but I knew I couldn't get off work so I scheduled the appt for Tuesday June 7th at 10:30 a.m.. Will it be alright to switch my schedule and take Tuesday off that week and work on Wednesday instead? BTW- I got here at 11:30 today and will work until 3:00 to get my full 4 hours of OT for Tue-Wed as required.
Thanks
**************
JACOB B........05/24/2005 04:47 PM

To: Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B........
cc:
Subject: Re: Email Volume

thanks for letting me know
Jacob
*************

Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B........
05/24/2005 02:55 PM

To Jacob B.......
Subject Re: Email Volume

As I mentioned in an earlier email I have a dentist appt tomorrow morning. I may have to have a tooth pulled, if so there is no way I will be able to physically do the 4 hours OT between today and tomorrow since I'm already working 11 hours today. I will go ahead and push today to 12 hours and stay until 8:00 p.m. I'll do the other 3 hours the rest of the week, as I already volunteered. But wanted to let you know because of this dentist appt I might not be able to come in.

I know the business needs are your first concern, but I absolutely can not cancel this dentist appt. I've had a chip out of this tooth for a year now and since I haven't had a job or dental insurance I couldn't afford to get it taken care of. Some days I'm in incredible pain as the nerve is exposed and am have been living on Ora-jel to numb it.

If they don't pull the tooth I will be here tomorrow to do the other 3 hours. Not sure what time as I have no idea now long I'll be there. Just letting you know ahead of time what might happen. Do I need to bring a receipt from the dentist office even though it's my day off?
Thanks.
****************
JACOB B.........
05/24/2005 02:08 PM

Subject: Email Volume

Team we are currently backlogged by over 4500 emails. These are all emails from yesterday. We just completed emails from Sunday in the 12:00 hour. Due to this high number of emails everyone is needed to work overtime for email. We need 4 hours from each of you. You can work these four hours today and tomorrow. We will be here until 8:00 PM tonight and as early as 7:00 AM tomorrow.

A reply with history response is required from every employee. Attached is the times available for Overtime. Respond with the dates and time you will work today
5-24-05 and tomorrow 5-25-05 to complete this requirement.

Thank you for you time on this matter.
Jacob.....

*******************

I am just appalled to think that he thinks this is acceptable to treat employees like this. I am almost 45 years old, I've been a supervisor myself and never in a million years would I treat my employees like this. It was always by goal to maintain the dignity and respect of my employees. This company and this man have a lot to learn about people it they think they are going to have a successful business. No wonder they are constantly represented negatively on the news lately!

How Dare You!

I went to the AC program info meeting on Monday the 23rd for Region 10. I tt the lady who presented the program after the meeting and informed her that I had already passed the TeXes test in the EC-4 Generalist area of certification. She told me that that area will close on June 1st so I need to get my app in ASAP.

I go to work the next day and try to access my app online that I had started back in January but didn't finish because I decided to go with DISD. I can't access it so I call and tt a lady who says there is a problem with it. She says she'll have someone call me back.

That afternoon my cell phone rings, while I am on a call with a customer at work. I put the customer on hold and a take the call. It's this woman who was also present at the meeting. She looks like a real life female version of Disney's Icabod Crane! Tall, skinny, with black hair cut in a chin length bob. You could plow a field with her nose.

She tells me that she called me a few weeks ago but that I didn't return her call. I tell her that I'm sorry but I guess I didn't get her message but that I did talk to someone at Region 10. She then says "What can I help you with?" I tell her that I went to the info meeting and that the speaker told me to finish my app online but I can't get into it.

This is the HOW DARE YOU moment! She says "I really don't think you would be a good fit for our program because you are so wishy-washy." WHAT? WISHY-WASHY! How dare you!!! I asked her what she meant by that and she said "Well, you started this application back in January and then changed your mind and went with DISD it says here." I said "Yes, I did change my mind because a recruiter came to my school, Dallas Baptist University, and told me he wanted me in their program because he wanted DBU Graduates to teach in DISD. So, because of that I went with their program. I passed all the steps of their application process, I passed the phone test, the TeXes test, and the interview. When it came down to the end I was told I didn't get in because they laid off 440 employees and didn't have any teaching positions open in my area of certification. I then went to the Principle of Wilmer Elementary School and talked to her to see if she will have any positions open due to the recent changes in the District. She told me to talk to Dr Blackburn and recommended your program." I was livid!

After all I've been through for her to make a character judgement on me and call me "wishy-washy" really pissed me off. I got that pins and needles feeling in my stomach and mouth I was so mad!

I told her maybe it won't do me any good to apply to that program if she had already formed an opinion of me. She did say she didn't realize all I had been through and would make my application available again. She did and I completed it.

We'll see what happens!

Depression

Once again I am in the grips of a major depression. I think it's this job. Last time I worked a Customer Service job I was severly depressed too. I can't quit until I find something else as we are in a tight financial strain right now.

My husbands reaction to my depression is to go drink with his friends and come in anywhere from 9:30-midnight which makes it even worse. I cry when I'm depressed and he can't handle my crying. When I need him the most he runs the other way. Seems men have done that my whole life with the exception of my Daddy! He ran to me when I pushed him away. I miss him.

I am going to a presentation on signing up with another Alternative Certification program tonight. Maybe that will help me pull out of this. I can't believe I've studied all these years for nothing.

My little sister called and wants to go back to school now. I'll do my best to discourage her. It's a HUGE waste of money for anyone over the age of 30.

Lost

Well, to say I am devastated is just scratching the surface. I did not get the teaching job with Dallas Independent School District. I really and truly in my heart of hearts thought it was God's will for my life. I thought for the first time I had heard His voice and was doing what He wanted me to do. Not my will but His. Everything that fell in place with my application to the Alternative Certification process was because He wanted me to teach but now I don't know what I was hearing. When I think of the magnitude of the sacrifice I've made to get this degree and the debt I am facing with my student loans and then to not be able to find a job it beyond devastating.

I emailed my prayer partner this morning and this is a part of her reply:

I'm sorry the job didn't come through for you, Lora. Perhaps God has a different plan for you or there is something else HE is teaching you in the mean time. Or perhaps it would not have been a good job for you....(things aren't always as they seem you know).... I know how hard disappointments can be. Life just doesn't take the path we want it to sometimes, but it isn't the direction you are going that is important -- it is how you handle the bumps in the road that God is looking at. So...just keep on a drivin' girl and you will get there and enjoy the trip too! I'll be praying for you. (emphasis mine)

I can't tell you the amount of healing these words delivered to my spirit! This lady is more than a dear friend, she is almost family! Her husband, the husband of her youth, is fighting cancer right now. Instead of enjoying their retirement years, they are dealing with this disease. In the midst of all her own trials she reached out to me and comforted my soul. God may not be showing His face to me now but He is sending His messengers to let me know He does love me and He cares.

I called the DISD AC program this afternoon and spoke with Dr. DaSilva the same man who came to DBU to recruit. He explained that due to the recent lay-off's at DISD that they didn't have enough positions open for all the candidates but that I would be qualified for the Alternative Certification Teacher Academy It's by invitation only and I could become a teacher in any school disctrict via the Academy. It's MUCH cheaper than any of the other programs so he is going to send me an invitation. He said he had already talked to the head of the Academy about me as he wants me in it because I am a Christian and graduated from DBU. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Countdown.....

I had my interview with the DISD AC program yesterday. I was there at 8:45 for a 9:00 appointment and wasn't called in until 9:10. There were people who came in after me that were called before I was. I think that was because God knew who He wanted to interview me. It was a very sweet lady named Dr. Jones.

Dr. Jones took me to a large classroom style room where there two other candidates were being interviewed (two of the people who were called before I was) and we finished before they did. My conclusion is that Dr. Jones either thought A) Wow, she would make a wonderful teacher! or B) No way, Jose!!! I am hoping for A! She said I'll know prior to May 14th. If I don't hear anything by then then I have not be chosen. If I do then that means I am in!

Only 2 more days until I get my test scores. The countdown is making me nervous. The thought crossed my mind this morning of what will I did if I don't get in? I have no clue. All my energy and thought has gone into being a teacher. I can't imagine doing anything else with my life. I hope Dr. Jones saw that in me. All my family and friends tell me I will make a great teacher. I hope Dr. Jones saw that too.

I am trying to have faith and know that what God told me was indeed from Him and not my own desire. I know I am anxious to find out and get going on the training. I can picture myself in my classroom with 20 or so little faces calling me "Teacher". I have visualized the goal. The all knowing "they" say that this is the way to achieve your goals. Picture yourself in the area or situation you want to be in.

Well, enough rambling. I need to go mow the grass. I am supposed to be at "Nightmare on Elm Street" (my temp job) right now but I called in with a family emergency. Guess I can mow while babysitting a sick grandchild. That's what TV's are for! Who wants to go to work for 3 hours on a Wednesday evening anyway? That job certainly doesn't care about anyone's personal life. I've never worked anywhere like that in my life! Hope I never do again either! They are the picture of "moral deflating"!! I guess I need to keep a list of what I think needs improvement but they wouldn't listen to me anyway! There I go rambling again......guess it helps to take my mind off the wait!

People

Working a Customer Service job in a Call Center allows me a different view on people. You don't get to see the faces of those you are talking too, you don't get to read body language, or make a judgment based on appearance. All you "see" is a voice. I have come to the conclusion that there are about a dozen or so categories of people and we all fit into one of them.

1. The rude Arab guy or woman, gets really mad when you can't understand her when she says her email address is ghabquarrraasktaka@yahoo.com so you ask her name and it's twice as long. 2. The computer challenged people who have no clue what a "new window" means!
3. The happy retired guy from Florida, I love them all!
4. The white woman who is in an executive position and thinks she is in charge of the world and going to let you know that you are a bug to be squashed under her Prada shoe and you better.....you get the picture!
5. The old white lady who is sweet as pie! Love them too!
6. The young "dude" who says it "sucks" that we don't rent games! (Love that word "sucks" makes me laugh!)
7. The Asian people who are the nicest people on earth! Very kind and polite on every call!
8. Black people, they are great! ALWAYS nice and never treat you rude! They always ask "how you doin?".
9. Most people from the East coast are short. They are in a big hurry and usually don't have time to mess with this but need to call and gripe about something.
10. The young adult to middle age white women. Most are in a bad mood and have screaming kids in the background. Not good.
11. The kind white people! Male and female! They know how to speak to you in a civilized manner, get to the point, and let you do your job!
12. The Hispanic people. Sweet, kind group! Love to talk to them as their accents make me laugh! Wonderful people!
13. People with "JesusLovesMe" or "TrulyBlessed" as their email address. They are really sweet and I will go the extra mile to help them!
14. Trekies.....huf said!

So which are you?

Teacher Test

I took the TeXes test for my teacher certification Saturday afternoon (4.2.05). It's all over but the crying now! I prayed and prayed about it, I had all my friends and family praying, I studied all I could study with the minimal study tools I was given. So, it's in God's hands. If I pass then I know I am to be a teacher, even though I know it already! If I don't (which I will) then I'm getting my CDL and going to be a truck driver! I can't handle any more of this Corporate America career path!

So, I'll either be "Mrs. Flake" or "White Chocolate" (my CB handle)!

Lessons

In the past I would have thought the trials at my job are a punishment and that God should deliver me or protect me. Now I know that it is part of life and a way for me to show non-believers how a Christian handles these problems.

I talked to the most hateful customer yesterday. She was so hateful I was shaking and even took off my headset and laid it down while she was talking and she didn't even know I had done it! When I was telling some co-workers about it one of them said "Oh, the "Court TV" lady. Apparently she is well known! There were notes from previous calls as long as my arm in her account. The human side of me wants to enter her name and address in every web promotion I can find to let her be slammed with a bunch of junk emails and bogus offers, the Christian side of me says to pray for her because she needs Christ in a major way. I couldn't sleep last night because I was so shaken up at just how mean she is. I did pray for her to get what she deserves and will leave what that is up to God.

I continue to despise this job! The management sucks and have never heard of the word "communication". I guess it bothers me more because I am a Communications major. I asked a question during the first meeting we ever had (keep in mind I started in February) about why we have to hear things in the break room instead of it being communicated to us and the newly promoted "team lead" who I kindly refer to as Loretta Lynn told me that "We ARE working on that." Excuuuuse me! It would be nice to know when there are problems since we are front line with customers. I guess Bush would be good at running this place because he sent our troops to the front line without armored vehicles!

Loretta sent an email to the rest of the team yesterday saying that those of us who work the 10:30-7:00 shift were to come in at 8:00 again this morning. Did I get the email???? Nooooo! So once again poor communication rears it's ugly head. I imagine this is the most responsibility Loretta has ever had and it is challenging to her. She is letting it go to her head big time. This is a text book example of the Peter Principle! So, I smile and try not to let it get me down. I have great ideas and could really help them out here but I am just biding my time till I can get out of here! 7 weeks and 3 days to go!

GHETTO

So many of these people I work with are totally GHETTO!!! They stand up and start singing really loud or yell across the room to each other. Do you know how hard it is to deal with an upset customer when an American Idol wannabe is belting out an off-key tune behind you!

9 more weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Children and Forgiveness

Those of you know know me I am sure will remember a few years ago that David and I were raising one of his grandchildren, Isaiah, and his mother took him while we were at work. It was on Nov 6, 2001. I'll never forget that day. Anyway, Isaiah is 10 now and has been in and out of psychiatric hospitals and on all kinds of medicines. His mother is not well physically or mentally and is convincing this innocent child he is nuts too. I think David and I might be taking him back, but on a permanent basis this time as we will adopt him. Please, please pray for God's will and wisdom in this situation. I feel in my heart that his child needs us, he doesn't stand a chance without us to guide and direct his life. It will be the hardest thing we have ever done as I know it will take a long time to get him turned around and on the path he needs to be on. His life has been turmoil for 10 years and a complete break from his psycho mother is what he needs. She tells him things like "I feel like putting you in the car with me and driving off a cliff" all the time. She said that to him in front of David and I last Thanksgiving. I wanted to slap her. Why would you threaten to kill yourself and your child in front of him???? What possess a mother to say such a thing to a child???

I feel in my heart of heart's that we are supposed to raise him. I've felt that since she took him and even when she asked us to take him back but was too hurt to even consider it because I was afraid that she would take him again. Now he is the one suffering because I wanted to protect myself from any further heartache. Maybe it was for the best because she says she sees now that she should have left him with us. He says he misses spending time with David and riding the horses. He sees me as the enemy because his mother and I got into it pretty heavy after she took him. It will be a challenge but with God's hand on it I know it will work. I just don't want to do it unless I feel a clear direction from God. Please pray for Isaiah! Please pray for his mother! Please pray for David and I to do God's will and to do right by this child if he is given to us to raise!

His mother, Cynthia, was taken off the kidney transplant list. Her heart is bad now, too bad they say for the transplant. She told her Dad that she wants to know that Isaiah is OK before she leaves this world. Maggie and Ashley are doing well. As a mother I can understand that. If we couldn't do anything for her in life maybe we can in death by taking her son.

It has been my hearts desire to have more children and since I didn't get too I embraced raising Isaiah and when she took him it crushed me. It took me many years to find forgiveness in my heart but God was able to help me find it. God's grace is an amazing thing.

I know it will be hard on Isaiah, hard on David, and hard on me... but with God all things are possible.

Job Dissatisfaction

When you hate your job it colors your whole world. There are days when I just want to cry sitting here. I know God has me here for a reason and I believe that reason is so I can pay my bills until I start teaching AND so I won't ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (you get the picture) be tempted to work in corporate America again.

Yesterday this woman approached me at work and said "Hi, I'm ____ and we haven't met yet. I'm just coming to you co-worker to co-worker before management finds out what you did."

I said" Really. What did I do?"

She says "There are 3 of us who have had to talk to a customer that YOU told could have the price of $13.99 a month . There is another one where you put in the case notes that you set up a second account for a customer and they can't have two accounts. "

"Really? I did that. Are you sure it was me? Because I know that is not the price and I know you can't have 2 accounts at all."

"Yes, I'm sure."

"What are their email address? "

"I don't know but the one is for a guy named Hubert."

"OK, thanks for the warning."

I was fuming! Don't come to me with BS unless you can give me details! I keep a lot of notes and was able to find both accounts. I didn't talk to the lady with 2 accounts at all (this "co-worker" had noted the lady's name on a group spread sheet because the customer wanted a sup to call her and my name was no where on the account. And Hubert I did talk to but never mentioned a $13.99 plan to him and my notes on the account reflect this.

My question is why would she target me? Am I a threat to her? My numbers do look really good. I am still new and I'm doing well. I am quiet and don't mingle with my co-workers because my attempts at friendliness have gone unrequited! Also, I have short-timers disease! She is friends with the young woman who insulted me on my first day. They made us sit with people to learn how to work the phones and a customer made a comment about "I'm a college graduate and sometimes I don't get simple things". When she hung up the woman looked at me and said "College graduates DON'T get simple things." A few minutes later she asked me where I worked before coming to this company and I said "I was a full-time student and just graduated with my Bachelor's Degree." The look on her face was priceless! Maybe they don't like me because I'm smarter than they are! ;)

Then today in the break room I mentioned a call I had gotten to the man who hired me and he jumped all up in my Kool-Aid and told me I could be fired for mentioning a customer's account. It's not like I am out on the street, I am at work. I swear! If you can't discuss customers at work then where can you? I didn't even give details of the account just mentioned something that happened.

I hate this job!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have James 1:2-8 posted on my desk:

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all with out finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave by the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."

It's hard but I'll hang in there and count my blessings. I'm learning a lot about what I don't want to do and that's work here! I try not to let this place get to me but it's hard to not let that happen. I feel like I'm in a cage and am shackled!

Mean, Rude People Solution

I was reading in the book of Mark this morning about how Jesus was mocked and beaten prior to His crucifixion. It saddens me to think about how mean and rude those people were to him and He was innocent of everything and yet He loved them anyway! It dawned on me that this is the attitude I need to have in order to not let those kind of people get to me any longer!

Problem solved! When people are mean and/or rude to me I will say a prayer for God to bless them. They can be rude to me all they want and it won't bother me ever again!! I will actually feel sorry for them because I know they don't get "it"! Not that I'm even close to being like Christ, but if He can forgive and love people and even die for those people than I can not get PO'd over someone being rude to me!

God is awesome!

Mean, Rude People

Rude people are the bane of my existence. For some it's butt heat (Miss Jerra), but for me it's rude people! I have too many instances when people have been rude for no apparent reason. But rather than jam up my blog I'll just go back to yesterday morning {~~~~~~} (this is the squiggly lines like on TV when someone remembers something!!)

I had to go to DISD AC program to get my "bar code" to take the TeXes test so I can be a Certified Teacher.....hmmm, just realized that people have told me in the past that I am "certifiable"??? Anyway, there is an old fart in his rent-a-cop uniform directing traffic. His mole is the same size as his head and he approaches my car. I roll down the window and he says:
"Are you here for training?"
"No, I just need to run in and get a bar code."
"So, you're here for training."
Slowly this time, "Nooooo, I just need a bar code from the Alternative Certification program."
In a rather annoyed vocie he says "You have to park over there." and he points to a grassy field about a block away. Apparently, I had pissed him off because I wasn't there for training, or maybe he just has something against people who need bar codes? Or maybe he thinks a bar code is something for people who drink and he is opposed to alcohol??? Who knows!

Officer Mole is directing traffic and some idiot is tying to park in the only spot that we can enter the grassy knoll through. He slowly walks over to her and makes her move. I finally park and go inside to get my bar code.

There is a young man sitting at the desk. I belive his basic job duty is to ignore people. I ask him if I need to sign in to get a bar code. He says yes and hands me a paper. No spoken words came out of his mouth outside the original "yes". Then I ask him:

"Do you know what the schedule is for the TeXes study sessions? It wasn't attached to the email I got. "
"Yes, it's attached to the email. She always attaches it."
"No, see right here she says she attached it but she didn't."

At this point a nicely dressed, very attractive black lady tells me that she has a copy of the schedule and will be glad to give it to me.

Mr. Lazy Dude goes back to his job--ignoring me. I thank her and go back to standing there waiting for my bar code. A few minutes tick by and he looks up at me and says in a really annoyed voice:

"Did you fill the form out?"
"This form?" and I hold it up
"Yes" {you idiot} he didn't say that but I KNOW he thought it
"You didn't tell me to fill it out. All you did was hand it to me."
No response from Mr. LD.

I fill it out and give it back to him. He sticks a bar code sticker on it. He gets up and walks like he has shackles on his legs, either that or he is weight training and has those strap on weights on his ankles but it's hard to tell under those baggy slacks. He walks through a door and comes back about 60 seconds later and hands a copy of the form with the sticker to me. Never spoke another word. Lazy AND friendly!

I then had to pour salt in his ever apparent wounds. In my best Mary Tyler Moore voice I say:

"Thank you sooo much. I appreciate your help. You have a wonderful day!"

Rude, rude, rude! Why, why why? Did I "bother" these two men? Does their life suck so bad that they despise every waking moment? Maybe they just hate their jobs? Maybe I have a target on my head that only rude people can see? I don't know but it bugs me. It really, really bugs me!

My husband says that I think everyone is supposed to be nice to me because I am nice to them. Yes, I do! What's wrong with that? Maybe my expectations are too high? I guess I'll have to get used to it but I'll never like it or accept it!

I think I should start a "Kindness" movement in America. Couldn't hurt. Wonder if Office Mole and Mr LD will be my first recruits? I know where they work!

My Testimony

Though life has been hard I know that I have a place of permanence in the middle of life's uncertainties and I have the assurance of God's provision which are based on two very clear principles: trusting in the LORD and doing good to others. This is not an original thought, it was in today's verse that I send out and it really impacted me.

I have learned more about my faith and how the Lord works in the last few months than I have the rest of my life combined. I thought that because I am His child that He would do what I wanted Him to do only because I trusted in Him. I have heard the message of prosperity over and over but I had it all wrong. Just because we are His doesn't mean we will be prosperous in ways that are typically associated with prosperity. In order to make us prosperous in spirit we have to go through the testing of our faith to really understand what it means. I might not be prosperous financially right now but I am spiritually, relationally, physically, and emotionally. The road will not always be easy. He teaches us things and then tests us to see what we have learned. Just a as a teacher is quite when his students are taking the test, so is God. It may feel He is not there but He is, quietly watching from the sidelines to see what we will do.

I thank Him so much for what He has done in my life. I have a much deeper faith and understanding of Him now than ever before. When I began praying for His direction as to what career He wanted me to pursue back in the Spring of 2004 I was open to what ever He wanted for me. I thought that would be a corporate job making $60,000 + a year. I have the experience and the degree so why not? I never thought He would tell me to be an underpaid, overworked teacher! But He did and I just can't explain how happy I am about that. Prosperity is about a whole lot more than money. It's taken me almost 45 years to figure that out, but I'm glad that's all it took. Some folks never figure it out.

Not too long ago I read these verses and they forever changed my life:

17 Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the LORD ,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

19 The Sovereign LORD is my strength;
he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights. - Habakkuk 3: 17-19

There are no grapes on my vine right now, there is no "cattle" in my stall as I had to sell my horse for the money. But I do rejoice because He has made my feet sure and steady and I know where I am going. The problems of this life do not matter, what happenes to me does not matter. What matters is my eternal life!!

God's Hand

I have already said that I know that it is God's plan for my life to be a Teacher. He gave me more confirmation yesterday morning.

I have to pay for some college classes that I'll be taking this summer as a part of the Alternative Certification (hereafter known as AC) program. I don't have the $1000+ that I need. Yesterday morning I prayed "Father, I know it was your plan for me to be a Teacher. You know that I don't have the money for these classes but I know that you do. Please take care of it for me. I'm trusting in you."

I talked to my Mom later that morning but never mentioned my prayer. She asked me if I would have to pay for the program right now and I told her I would only have to pay for some classes but the cost of the program would come out of my check over the course of the year. She said "It's taken care of!" I said "What?" and she said "The college courses are taken care of. I'll pay for it out of Granny's inheritance money for you." PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!

So this is further confirmation that I am doing what God has planned for me. I have always loved kids and have a special understanding with them. I have a sense of fairness and am always willing to listen to what they have to say. Kindergarten and 1st grade were very traumatic for me so I'll be able to relate to any child who has a hard time separating from a parent all day to go to school. I believe kids are just little people and have feelings just like grown up's do. I consider this a high calling, especially since it is God's design for my life. I know teachers aren't paid well and it's not a "desirable" job to many people, but I can hardly wait!! It's like my whole life God has been telling me this but I didn't connect the dots. At least a dozen times over the course of my life children have randomly asked me if I am a teacher. I'd be standing in line at Wal-Mart and a little kid would ask "Are you a teacher?" and I'd say "No" and then scratch my head wondering if I looked smart or mean! ha-ha Now I know it was God sending me clues!

I am counting the days till I am out of this temp job and on to DISD and a classroom 5 days a week !!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Flake

I received the "Congratulations!" letter from DISD Alternative Certification program!!! I am now in the program and moving on to the next step in becoming an educator! Too say I am thrilled is like saying the ocean is kinda deep in places! It is so very exciting to see God's hand working in my life. Imagine that.....I prayed for His will to be done in my life and to show me the direction He wanted me to take and He did it! How cool is that!

We went to a trail ride in Houston this weekend so didn't get the letter until Sunday afternoon even though it had come in Saturday's mail. I opened it in the truck and cried. David said he was about to cry too because I was so happy!!

I have to take an English test to prove I can speak English and will do that one night this week!

LIFE IS GOOD!!!!!!!!

A New and Improved Job!!!!!

I got the temporary job I wanted and start in the morning! Yeah! Finally, I'll be able to pay some bills and start a savings account again. I've learned more through this experience than any other in my life. It's been hard to be so compeletely broke and the wolf about ready to chew through the door. But God has been right there and taken care of us through it all! I got my dream of a college degree and we haven't gone without a meal (which wouldn't hurt either one of us ha-ha) and we haven't lost our car or truck, or had the electricity or water cut off....so I can't complain!

I have learned that God has a plan and that just because we are His children doesn't mean that He will act when we want Him to act. He really is in control and will always do what's best for us, even if it's hard and we don't like His methods or timing. I learned that while I do have choices to make, all I want is God's will for my life. So many times in the past I have asked God for things and then gotten impatient and went ahead and made my own way and totally messed everything up! I refuse to do that ever again, consciously anyway! If I did things my way this time I would wait for a corporate job and be making no less than $42,000 to start but I don't think that's God's will for me. I know He wants me to teach. This job is a stepping stone to keep our heads above water and even save a little money before I start the teaching program. Then when I'm teaching I can work on my Master's degree and eventually become a college professor. I know there's not a lot of money in teaching but if I'm doing what God wants me to do then I'll really be rich in every other way possible! God will provide!

I'm excited about my life!

A J-O-B and Being on the News!

I got a job today. It's not what I thought I would be doing with my "fancy book learnin' degree" but the timing of it is perfect! I'll be driving all over the state of Texas going to public schools and day-care centers performing assessment tests on pre-schoolers. 3 and 4 year-olds are a hoot so it should be fun! The not so fun part will be that I'll have a partner who I'll have to share a rental car with, work side by side with, and then.......share a hotel room with! I hope they don't fart in their sleep or not wash their hands with soap! That is my biggest pet peeve in life--the soap part not the farting, although I don't care for that either! ha-ha

Anyway this job ends on May 27th and the Teacher Certification program starts on the 30th! Is that not God's perfect timing or what!! I found out about both the job and the Teacher Certificaiton program at DBU, another sign from God!

When I got home from the interview the phone rang. Caller ID read KDFW. I thought "I don't remember applying for a job with them" and answered it. It wasn't about a job. Our former neighbor has been trying to abolish our school district, the infamous Wilmer-Hutchins ISD for years. The school district voted an increase in our taxes but the school is about to be dissolved so what is the increase going for--nothing! Fox 4 is doing a story on it and wanted to talk to a taxpayer about it so they called me! I was so excited. They filmed me and the reporter sitting on our deck talking about it and then me out with the horses. Harley was in my lap, so Harley, the horses and me were all on the news tonight!

Chicken Skin

When I was a child I'd look at both of my Grandmother's skin. It was wrinkly, almost transparent, very white-almost to the point of being blue- and very dry. Now, at the not-yet-ripe-old-age of 44 I look down at my arms and see that same skin. It looks like chicken skin. I am now a chicken!

See what you get to look forward too!! You live your life. Take care of your children. Abuse your skin. Lay in the sun--sans lotion or sunscreen (heck, I use to smear on the baby oil and fry)--for hours. All this while never giving a second thought that that chicken skin on your Granny's arms would be your's in a few short years.

Well, guess what you young chicky-poos? Surprise! One minute you are young and cute and the next minute Bo Pilgrim and Colonel Sanders are knocking on your door!

Gone are the days of sleeveless shirts! Old women don't wear sweaters because they are cold, they wear them to hide their chicken skin! I believe it was Erma Bombeck who said "Old age is not for sissies"...truer words were never spoken!

Finding God's Path for my Life

It's been really hard to be me the past few months. While I've seen the fulfillment of a 13 year-old dream in finally earning my Bachelor's degree, the lack of a job and resulting lack of money has been the most devastating thing I have endured in my life. I have been desperate at times, I cry almost daily, I seek God's face and wonder why He isn't answering me with a fantastic job. After all, I have earned the degree, I have a pretty good resume, so therefore, I should be able to snag a sweet job!

Today I got the answer! I feel in my heart of hearts that God did not allow me to land a job because He knows me so well. He knew if I found a job that I wouldn't sign up for the training program to be a school teacher. I feel that He called me to the field of teaching last Spring but it was too late to earn my degree in Teaching at that point. So my only alternative is to take the Alternative Certification (AC) Program offered through Dallas Independent School District.

I went to DBU last week for help with finding a job and to get some paperwork completed for the program as I had to have it turned in by the deadline of 2-4-05 . I talked to the head of Career Services and she told me that DISD would be at school recruiting students on Wednesday. I advised her that I knew it was too late for English speaking students and the meeting was for Bilingual students only. She told me to go anyway. I almost didn't go!

At the meeting I met the DISD recruiter. He is from Brazil (I think) and came to America on a soccer scholarship when he was young. He said he likes to recruit DBU students to the AC program because he is a Christian first and that DISD needs more Christian teachers! I agree! He was so good and answered all our questions and gave me some great information. There were only 4 other students there so it was easy for this man to remember me.

Well, this is where the blessing I got today unfolds..............I had to have my paperwork in today before 5:00 p.m. After driving around for a while and trying two different buildings I found the right place. It was about 2:00 p.m. The building was huge and made from concrete blocks with no windows I could see. As I approached the door I saw a sign in red letters that read "If you do not have ALL the information required in your application packet it will not be accepted. If you do not have 2 copies of all your transcripts but they are being sent directly to us then please include a letter stating that. Otherwise your application will not be accepted." I only had one copy of my transcript from IUPUI and have ordered another one but it's on it's way to me, not DISD. I opened the door and walked down a long hall and found a reception area where there were several people waiting in line. I was told to sign in. I looked up from signing in and low and behold there was the recruiter I met at DBU!!! I know God sent him out there at that precise time!!! He took me out of line and looked through my application packet. I explained that I didn't have the 2nd copy of the IUPUI transcript but he said it was OK because he was taking care of all DBU applications! He then stamped all my paperwork to prove it was delivered on time and then asked me for my reference letters. The application checklist said I didn't need them but I had put them in my portfolio just that morning. They had been laying on the computer desk at home. I didn't know why I did it at the time but now I know it was the hand of God. One of my references didn't sign on the seal of the envelope as he was supposed to but the recruiter didn't check for sig's he just stamped them and then turned and told me he would handle it from there!!! I asked how long it will take to find out "if" I've been accepted and he said it normally takes two to three weeks.

At that moment I knew, really knew, that I had done what God wanted me to do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will be accepted into this program. I was praising God the second I walked out the door! When I got in the truck to leave, the music on KLTY spoke to my heart so strongly. I heard the song "Shackles" by Mary Mary and turned it up full blast and was praising God for what He is doing in my life.

I know now that the reason I have'nt found a job is because God knows me, and He knows me well!! He knew that if I took a job that I wouldn't have signed up for the AC program and wouldn't have ever become a teacher. And a teacher is what He wants me to be. I told my sister just last month when I was home that I feel I am destined to do something great on this earth even though I don't know what it is. Maybe this is it. Making a difference in a child's life is the greatest thing I can do. Who knows, maybe I'll be the 3rd grade teacher of a boy or girl who will grow up to be the President! I may be able to save a child from a horrible home life as I know the signs of child abuse as I was molested by my biological father. I can't think of anything greater than that.

It all makes sense now and I am so excited about my life and what the Father is doing it in! God is so good to me! He knows me and I love him for it. I praise Him and give Him all the glory!

Granny

My Granny passed away in her sleep on Sunday night, I guess her official date of death is Jan 16th. My Daddy passed away on Jan 15, 2000. What is it with my family and dying in January? It's too cold for a funeral in Indiana. No one else is allowed to die in January. I still don't believe she is gone. Maybe the reality of it will hit me when I see her at the funeral home.

Granny was 89-years-old! She would have been 90 on April 27th. She lived her whole life in Kentucky, Ohio, and Indiana. She had 2 kids, my Mom is the oldest, and my Uncle Ronnie is the youngest. Granny was a pain in the rear to Mom, she was never outwardly accepting to Mom to her face, however, she was to me and my sisters. We knew that she worshipped the ground Mom walked on.

I got to know Granny very well when I was raising my kids. I lived in Connersville a few miles from Granny while Mom lived in Arizona with my youngest sister, my oldest sister was in the Army and lived in Germany. I called her almost every day and we'd talk and talk. When I was 17 years-old and pregnant with my oldest son David, it was Granny who took me to her beloved yard sales to buy things for the baby. She paid for a lot of what we bought that day. I will never forget it. She was from the old-school and had old-school ways but she put it aside and took me around and got what I needed for my baby.

I have a picture of her tiny little self dancing with my 6'4" tall son at his wedding. She is straining her neck to look up at him. I also have a picture of him as a baby with his blonde curls! She has been here a long, long time! I can't believe she is not here anymore.