Today would have been my Dad's 71st birthday. I talked to him this morning even though he is no longer with us. He passed away on January 15, 2000. There is not a day that I don't think of him or miss him or usually talk about him. There will never be a day in my life when I won't miss him. I know he would be so pleased with the changes I have made in my life, would be so very proud of me. I owe a lot of how my life has turned out to Daddy. He was hard on me but he knew that is what I need. I don't need to be babied because when I am challenged that is when I dig deeper and take action.
My best friend just lost her father so that's makes this day even harder. He died on Sunday. He fought a long hard battle against cancer. But he won really; he is in heaven now. He was a very good Christian man. He loved the Lord with all his heart. He fought a good fight and never had a bad attitude about it. He was a quarterback with the Baltimore Colts in his younger years so approached his cancer like it was a football game. His doctor was his "coach" and the turns the cancer took were like quarters in a game to him. His writing about it was very moving.
He leaves behind a wife who will be lost without him, a daughter who has lost her hero, and a son who will not have a soft place to fall when life is hard for him. But as long as they love him and remember him he will never truly be gone. His hand will be on their lives forever as they will always carry him in their hearts. There will be days when they go to pick up the phone to call him only to have to put the phone back down as they remember he is not there to call anymore. They will talk and laugh about all the things he did and said and the messages he ingrained in them will always be there to draw on. It will be hard, very hard. It takes years to come to grips with but slowly the pain will change and ease. There will be good days, bad days and worse days. The first year is the hardest because you have all the firsts without him, first Christmas, first New Years, first anniversary, first football season, etc. It's 7 years now without my Dad and I am better... but I still cry. I cried this morning, I'm crying now. My heart breaks for my friend, for her Mom, for her children who have lost their grandfather, for anyone who knew Dave Loner. He will be missed deeply, truly, and always. Just like my Dad.
Say hello to my Dad, Dave and tell him I said "Happy Birthday." I love you both deeply, truly and always.
Life is sweet! Treasure everyday with your loved ones you never know when it will be their last.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Monday, August 20, 2007
East from the West
I heard a new song by Casting Crowns on the radio today. It's called "East to West" and it's about how God forgives our sins and casts them as far as the east is from the west and how even when we don't hold on to Him He holds on to us, and how the distance is really from "one scarred hand to the other". It also says how I feel that I am just one mistake away from God leaving me in the mess I am now in. I had tears streaming down my face as I listened to it. I think of what the Bible says in Isaiah 64:6 "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags." Yet He loves us just as we are. We can never be good enough but God loves us just as we are . He loves us, He loves me, unconditionally. Unconditionally. He came to earth to die for our sins, to pay a debt we could never pay. Imagine if someone came into your life and said "Let me pay for your car, your house, all your bills from this day forward." We'd want to know what the catch was....after we said YES!! Imagine that debt being paid. Yet, God paid the debt for our sins. We don't have to pay Him back. He loves us and it's a free gift. All we have to do it accept it and believe. It just blows my mind when I think of the depth's of His love for me.
Church was off the chain yesterday. We had a guest preacher again as Dr Evans is on vacation the whole month of August. The sermon was on family values and raising kids. I thought it would be OK and really didn't want to stay but I love my church and didn't want to go home either so I stayed. It had to be the best sermon I've ever heard in my life. This man is so dedicated to raising his kids in the Lord. He said there is not greater gift a father can give to his children than to pass his faith on to them. He talked about Biblical discipline and training your kids to obey as disobedience is a sin, and how if you love them you will disciple and discipline them. Women were crying and people were standing up cheering and clapping. It was an amazing sermon. He made the comment that no woman should ever settle for a man who will not be the disciple of his home and his children and that if a man can't do that then you should move on to the next man! AMEN!! I cried. That is what I want. A truly Godly man. One who will be the spiritual head of our home. If he is not a Christian forget it. I want a man who prays daily, reads his Bible daily, tithes, and attends church every Sunday! I won't settle for less! I know God has that man for me too. I think I may have met him but time will tell.
My relationship with God has grown so much. I love Him so much. I cry when I think of the love He has for me. I want to please Him everyday with how I live my life. I want to tell the world what He has done for me. I am so humbled by His love for me, so grateful for everything, for how happy I am now, for all He has helped me overcome. My cup truly runneth over.
Life is Good! God is good...all the time!
Church was off the chain yesterday. We had a guest preacher again as Dr Evans is on vacation the whole month of August. The sermon was on family values and raising kids. I thought it would be OK and really didn't want to stay but I love my church and didn't want to go home either so I stayed. It had to be the best sermon I've ever heard in my life. This man is so dedicated to raising his kids in the Lord. He said there is not greater gift a father can give to his children than to pass his faith on to them. He talked about Biblical discipline and training your kids to obey as disobedience is a sin, and how if you love them you will disciple and discipline them. Women were crying and people were standing up cheering and clapping. It was an amazing sermon. He made the comment that no woman should ever settle for a man who will not be the disciple of his home and his children and that if a man can't do that then you should move on to the next man! AMEN!! I cried. That is what I want. A truly Godly man. One who will be the spiritual head of our home. If he is not a Christian forget it. I want a man who prays daily, reads his Bible daily, tithes, and attends church every Sunday! I won't settle for less! I know God has that man for me too. I think I may have met him but time will tell.
My relationship with God has grown so much. I love Him so much. I cry when I think of the love He has for me. I want to please Him everyday with how I live my life. I want to tell the world what He has done for me. I am so humbled by His love for me, so grateful for everything, for how happy I am now, for all He has helped me overcome. My cup truly runneth over.
Life is Good! God is good...all the time!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Single Life
Couldn't have been more wrong about Lee. We met to hit some golf balls and for him to give me my first lesson last weekend and he told me over dinner that there is a woman who he would ask to marry if he ever moves back to the town she lives ....... so, there's no way he is interested in me romantically. I didn't think so anyway! He is such a nice man and I truly cherish his friendship already! He makes me laugh every single time we talk or are together. We do talk at least once a day on the phone too.
Speaking of golf.....the man can hit a golf ball like nothing I've ever seen. I told him I will do my best to help him find some financial backing so he can turn pro. His average score is 68 which is what the pro's do and he can put the ball anywhere, and I do mean ANYWHERE, he wants it to go. He is AMAZING!!!!
Had a date today with a white man! Can you believe it! His name is Art and he is very, very, very nice. It was probably the nicest first date I have ever had. I truly like him and enjoyed his company. Who knows if anything will develop but time will tell! UPDATE Monday 8-13-07: The dude has more issues than Sports Illustrated. Said he couldn't be involved with me because of my childhood sexual abuse as I'll have issues pop up again.... whatever, asshole! Also because I believe what the Bible says about Jesus Christ being the only way to heaven that I am judgmental and exclude people and that everyone will go to heaven no matter what god they beleive in: Buddah, Ala, the dog, the sun, etc. He said he was a Christian but is also a Buddist, a Muslim, a Jew, etc. See...more issues than Sports Illustrated!
I am enjoying the single life and having so much fun! My son had great advice to date around and enjoy my summer and that is just what I am doing! :)
Things are great at work. I am solo now as they put my partner on another shift. Things were rough for a 2 week period but my good friend, David, had a long talk with me and told me basically to pull my head out of my ass and lead my team! So.....I did! The guys really responded to my "come to Jesus" talk with them and are performing very well! We moved up in the company wide rankings to a few percentage points above the average score which is huge as we have been at the bottom of the list since the building opened! I am pretty excited about it and plan to sustain and improve this trend!
I am officially a member of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship now! I LOVE this church, I really, really, really do! God is so good!
Life is sweet! Sweet indeed!
Speaking of golf.....the man can hit a golf ball like nothing I've ever seen. I told him I will do my best to help him find some financial backing so he can turn pro. His average score is 68 which is what the pro's do and he can put the ball anywhere, and I do mean ANYWHERE, he wants it to go. He is AMAZING!!!!
Had a date today with a white man! Can you believe it! His name is Art and he is very, very, very nice. It was probably the nicest first date I have ever had. I truly like him and enjoyed his company. Who knows if anything will develop but time will tell! UPDATE Monday 8-13-07: The dude has more issues than Sports Illustrated. Said he couldn't be involved with me because of my childhood sexual abuse as I'll have issues pop up again.... whatever, asshole! Also because I believe what the Bible says about Jesus Christ being the only way to heaven that I am judgmental and exclude people and that everyone will go to heaven no matter what god they beleive in: Buddah, Ala, the dog, the sun, etc. He said he was a Christian but is also a Buddist, a Muslim, a Jew, etc. See...more issues than Sports Illustrated!
I am enjoying the single life and having so much fun! My son had great advice to date around and enjoy my summer and that is just what I am doing! :)
Things are great at work. I am solo now as they put my partner on another shift. Things were rough for a 2 week period but my good friend, David, had a long talk with me and told me basically to pull my head out of my ass and lead my team! So.....I did! The guys really responded to my "come to Jesus" talk with them and are performing very well! We moved up in the company wide rankings to a few percentage points above the average score which is huge as we have been at the bottom of the list since the building opened! I am pretty excited about it and plan to sustain and improve this trend!
I am officially a member of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship now! I LOVE this church, I really, really, really do! God is so good!
Life is sweet! Sweet indeed!
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Lucky Day
WOW, talk about a lucky day! First I took my phone into Sprint/Nextel because the hinge is coming loose, not broke yet but will be soon. Well, the can't fix it so I get a new phone....are you ready....for free! My battery was getting low and not holding a good charge so this is excellent news! The display window was all dusty inside too making it hard to read and it was scratched up as well, paint wearing off from too much use as well. Wow, a brand new phone for free!
Then I took my right arm... I mean my iPod in to have the battery replaced and because they kept me waiting for 40 minutes they are replacing the entire iPod...my 60GB iPod...a whole new one for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!! Should have taken my car in for repairs today! Or at least purchased a Lottery ticket!
The girl is smokin' today!
Things might be taking a turn with Lee. He seems to be more interested in the romantic side of a relationship with me. He is so very respectful and always a gentleman! He is a good Christian too....time will tell. Kimberly seems to think he is the one for me. He asked about my sign tonight and I told him I am a Gemini. He is a Sagittarius and we are highly compatible according to iVillage.com . Feel free to check out your own at their site as well!
Alright off to bed to read Harry Potter.......
Life is sweet!
Then I took my right arm... I mean my iPod in to have the battery replaced and because they kept me waiting for 40 minutes they are replacing the entire iPod...my 60GB iPod...a whole new one for free!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOO HOO!!!!!!!! Should have taken my car in for repairs today! Or at least purchased a Lottery ticket!
The girl is smokin' today!
Things might be taking a turn with Lee. He seems to be more interested in the romantic side of a relationship with me. He is so very respectful and always a gentleman! He is a good Christian too....time will tell. Kimberly seems to think he is the one for me. He asked about my sign tonight and I told him I am a Gemini. He is a Sagittarius and we are highly compatible according to iVillage.com . Feel free to check out your own at their site as well!
Alright off to bed to read Harry Potter.......
Life is sweet!
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Chillin'
Not a whole lot going on. Still going to church and can hardly wait for Sunday to roll around so I can go to church again! LOVE IT!!! I am in a Spiritual Growth class and am in awe at how much the other women and I have in common. We have been through so many of the same experiences with these lousy men in our lives! I wish there were as many good men as there are good women....there'd be a lot less divorce...that's for sure!
Going home next week to see the kids and for family reunion on Saturday, the 27th and staying for 7 days. Mom's birthday is on the 30th and I plan to spend the whole day with her. Going to the movies and then to eat Mexican food. Both things she loves to do! I can't believe she will be 68 years-old. The time has flown by! I feel about 25 myself!
Hit my first golf balls today and it was a blast! Lee is coming over tonight and we're going to check out a local driving range with a 9 hole course. He is a trip! He makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever known! I am really looking forward to him teaching me to play golf. This should be a lot of fun. I am thinking of finding a new job so that I will have my evenings free to play golf and just have a life in general. This night schedule sucks!
Life is Sweet!
Going home next week to see the kids and for family reunion on Saturday, the 27th and staying for 7 days. Mom's birthday is on the 30th and I plan to spend the whole day with her. Going to the movies and then to eat Mexican food. Both things she loves to do! I can't believe she will be 68 years-old. The time has flown by! I feel about 25 myself!
Hit my first golf balls today and it was a blast! Lee is coming over tonight and we're going to check out a local driving range with a 9 hole course. He is a trip! He makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever known! I am really looking forward to him teaching me to play golf. This should be a lot of fun. I am thinking of finding a new job so that I will have my evenings free to play golf and just have a life in general. This night schedule sucks!
Life is Sweet!
Friday, July 13, 2007
Hello Sports Fans!
Long time...no post! Life is moving along for me! Church is AWESOME! I will offically be a member on August 5th! Starting a spiritual growth class this Sunday. It's a 12 week class so really looking forward to that!
Had some major changes at work. They moved my partner to another shift so I am running solo right now! It's a lot of extra burden on me but it's my chance to show Senior Mgmt that I know what I am doing! Good stuff!
The house is coming along nicely! I've gotten quite a few new things and it's looking like a home. I miss Kimberly but her and Kelly are happy and doing well! It's good to see her happy as she is such a terrific person! It suks to pay rent again but the 9 months I was rent free were terrific! hey hey
Still haven't met the Washington DC man yet. He keeps coming up with reasons why he can't come. On the "BS-O-Meter" he is inching towards red...he is still yellow but looking pretty orange at this point! I sense a Def Com 7 coming on! LOL He flies all over the world and is super busy but he is not one to call a lot and that was the major problem I had with Kirk! Won't repeat that one! So we shall see. He says he is coming in August....if he doesn't I shall move on! I really don't have anything to move on from so will just keep doing what I'm doing; meeting lots of new people and enjoying myself fully! I do have a date this weekend...the second date and he is very nice, and very, very handsome! Nothing serious for me right now! Just enjoying life and if a serious relationship happens then I would be very open to it!
Not much else is going on! Still waiting on Lee to give me that first golf lesson! He got me a set of clubs for free and I bought my shoes last week! They are super cute! haha He is a riot...I do love funny people and that man makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever met! I have really been blessed with the men I have met on that dating site. For the most part they are really high caliber, intelligent, wonderful men! Roland and I have been friends since January, as well as Keith and James. I will probably never meet them and we are simply friends but they are great people and I enjoy the time's we talk and the emails we exchange! I did meet the man I am going out with this weekend in January as well but dropped the communication with him because of Kirk. It's all good though because he hasn't met anyone special yet and I managed to lose 40 pounds since January! He sent me a flirt and I recognized his picture so we reconnected and are seeing where this will go!
Life is super sweet!
Had some major changes at work. They moved my partner to another shift so I am running solo right now! It's a lot of extra burden on me but it's my chance to show Senior Mgmt that I know what I am doing! Good stuff!
The house is coming along nicely! I've gotten quite a few new things and it's looking like a home. I miss Kimberly but her and Kelly are happy and doing well! It's good to see her happy as she is such a terrific person! It suks to pay rent again but the 9 months I was rent free were terrific! hey hey
Still haven't met the Washington DC man yet. He keeps coming up with reasons why he can't come. On the "BS-O-Meter" he is inching towards red...he is still yellow but looking pretty orange at this point! I sense a Def Com 7 coming on! LOL He flies all over the world and is super busy but he is not one to call a lot and that was the major problem I had with Kirk! Won't repeat that one! So we shall see. He says he is coming in August....if he doesn't I shall move on! I really don't have anything to move on from so will just keep doing what I'm doing; meeting lots of new people and enjoying myself fully! I do have a date this weekend...the second date and he is very nice, and very, very handsome! Nothing serious for me right now! Just enjoying life and if a serious relationship happens then I would be very open to it!
Not much else is going on! Still waiting on Lee to give me that first golf lesson! He got me a set of clubs for free and I bought my shoes last week! They are super cute! haha He is a riot...I do love funny people and that man makes me laugh more than anyone I have ever met! I have really been blessed with the men I have met on that dating site. For the most part they are really high caliber, intelligent, wonderful men! Roland and I have been friends since January, as well as Keith and James. I will probably never meet them and we are simply friends but they are great people and I enjoy the time's we talk and the emails we exchange! I did meet the man I am going out with this weekend in January as well but dropped the communication with him because of Kirk. It's all good though because he hasn't met anyone special yet and I managed to lose 40 pounds since January! He sent me a flirt and I recognized his picture so we reconnected and are seeing where this will go!
Life is super sweet!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Finally!!
I have finally found a new church home! It is here Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship! It is racially mixed! My guess would be about 75% black and 25% white with a sprinkling of other races. Sunday morning is typically the most segregated hour in America and I think that is just wrong!
As soon as I hit the parking lot a sweet lady who said her name was Mary commented on my skirt so I asked her if I was going in the right direction and she took me under her wing. She sat with me and made me feel so welcome! It was truly a blessing. I am still praising God and it's Tuesday morning! I am 95% sure I will join the church and become active ASAP! I have searched so long for a church home. I love the Lord so much. I praise God all the time and simply adore Him and thank Him for all He has done for me when I don't deserve any thing. I am truly blessed beyond measure!
I listen to praise and worship music almost 24/7 and it keeps me in tune with where I need to be. Sometimes I have to go in my room and get on my knees, stretch my hands towards heaven and just praise God for His goodness. I love Him so much that the tears stream down my face as I thank Him for all He's done for me. I want to share that joy with the world.
He says He will give us the desire of our heart. Mine is for a Godly husband. One who truly knows what submission means and will love me as Christ loves the church. Nothing more, nothing less. Because if I have that then I know I will be truly happy. I want to be a help meet to the man God created for me. I don't know when I will find Him and I only want it to be in God's timing. My cup truly overfloweth.
I am talking to a new man and he appears to be that Godly man...he is looking for a Proverbs 31 woman, which I try to be. I'm asking God to let me know if he is the one or not. After Kirk I can't take anymore heart ache for a long while so I'm going really slow with my heart this time. He is in the Air Guard and called me the first time from Israel and then called me today for my birthday from Africa. He also bought me a present in Israel but I haven't received it yet. Now that's a good man! He flies all over the world but it's all top secret so I can't know more than where he is going. He is based out of Washington DC. He is coming to see me in Dallas tentatively the last weekend of June. I am very excited to see if he is for real or not. Pray for us!
God is good!
Life is Sweet!
As soon as I hit the parking lot a sweet lady who said her name was Mary commented on my skirt so I asked her if I was going in the right direction and she took me under her wing. She sat with me and made me feel so welcome! It was truly a blessing. I am still praising God and it's Tuesday morning! I am 95% sure I will join the church and become active ASAP! I have searched so long for a church home. I love the Lord so much. I praise God all the time and simply adore Him and thank Him for all He has done for me when I don't deserve any thing. I am truly blessed beyond measure!
I listen to praise and worship music almost 24/7 and it keeps me in tune with where I need to be. Sometimes I have to go in my room and get on my knees, stretch my hands towards heaven and just praise God for His goodness. I love Him so much that the tears stream down my face as I thank Him for all He's done for me. I want to share that joy with the world.
He says He will give us the desire of our heart. Mine is for a Godly husband. One who truly knows what submission means and will love me as Christ loves the church. Nothing more, nothing less. Because if I have that then I know I will be truly happy. I want to be a help meet to the man God created for me. I don't know when I will find Him and I only want it to be in God's timing. My cup truly overfloweth.
I am talking to a new man and he appears to be that Godly man...he is looking for a Proverbs 31 woman, which I try to be. I'm asking God to let me know if he is the one or not. After Kirk I can't take anymore heart ache for a long while so I'm going really slow with my heart this time. He is in the Air Guard and called me the first time from Israel and then called me today for my birthday from Africa. He also bought me a present in Israel but I haven't received it yet. Now that's a good man! He flies all over the world but it's all top secret so I can't know more than where he is going. He is based out of Washington DC. He is coming to see me in Dallas tentatively the last weekend of June. I am very excited to see if he is for real or not. Pray for us!
God is good!
Life is Sweet!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
New Stuff
Kimberly is moving out so it's time for me to start buying my own stuff! I went shopping this weekend and bought a new blender, toaster, colander, kitchen utensils, a few drinking cups and some tupperware and other misc items! Where did I find most of these teasures you ask? IKEA! The greatest store on earth outside of Target! lol I bought toaster and blender at Target, both are stainless steel and very awesome I might add. The rest...IKEA! I have my eye on a sofa table and some of the coolest bookcases ever. You can buy one and then the addtional units can be attached to the first... they even have a library ladder. A must have for a book fiend like myself! They even have the most reasonably priced bedroom furniture that is actually pretty nice stuff! I really like this bed and the matching dresser and chest were just as reasonably priced! The bedroom furniture I really want is $5000 at Haverty's. But I can afford IKEA now!
So, I'm a happy girl! Life is good! God is good!
Life is Sweet!
So, I'm a happy girl! Life is good! God is good!
Life is Sweet!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Changes
This is the sum view of my vacation. Yep, those are my feet! I was laying on the beach thinking about how great life is when I picked up the camera and took this shot. Everyone should go on a vacation like this at least once in their life time. I've made the decision that I will take such a vacation....a REAL vacation....once a year! It was amazing! We flew in the Cancun, Mexico airport on Mother's Day and spent the next 5 days and 4 nights being pampered and enjoying life to the fullest! We had spa treatments; I went for the Hot Stone Massage (heaven on earth),went snorkling, explored the Mayan Ruins, shopping in Playa del Carmen where Kim, Nancy and I had our hair braided and the poor woman was exhausted because my hair is so thick! It was cute but man does it hurt to take it out! I had the time of my life on this vacation!!!
While on the massage table I made a decision to take control of my life and end this relationship with Kirk. I got back on Friday and called him Saturday, no return call, he logged onto Yahoo IM on Sunday and I was on the PC as well so shot him a message and told him he needed to call me. He did. I told him that I can't do this anymore. We have seen each other only one time in the last 10 weeks. That is not even a casual relationship. Of course he gave me the the "it's not you it's me" speech. But I already knew that. Said he didn't have balance in his life and didn't mean to hurt me. But he did. So, I am moving on. If we can make time to see each other then great, if not, it's OK. I want to wait on him but I know what will happen if I do....I'll be waiting forever. I am a damn good woman with a heart of gold. I deserve a good man who will put me first. I refuse to make someone a priority in my life when I am just an option in his!
So....he's been calling, and IM'ing again! Telling me he loves me, he misses me, etc. Damn his ass! Why do men play these games? Is it the thrill of the chase? Are they just cruel my nature? Or is he just fucked up? I will not lump all men in the same category as him but it would be really easy to. It hurts, I'm still crying as I still have feelings for him. I want him to realize what he has in me but my head tells me that won't happen. I need to move on. I turned my phone off last night so he couldn't make the 5:00 a.m. call to me to tell he how much he's thinking of me. He needs to get my voice mail. I need to get my sleep. He called again today, as usual, and like an idiot I answered the phone. He said he can't find another woman because none compare to me. Well, hell, I knew that! haha Why didn't he tell me that shit when before I broke up with him? I just don't understand, if he really thinks I am so great then why isn't he doing everything in his power to get me back? MEN!!!
So, I'm taking my precious son's advice. David told me (and I quote) "Mom, kick his ass to the curb. This is the time of your life and you dont' have time for his shit. Play the field. This is summer and you should have a good time, date around and don't tie yourself down to one man. You are a catch, Mom. Enjoy yourself!" Now with advice like that how could I not take it. And I know my son has my best interest at heart!
So look out Summer of 2007....here I come!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Holy Shit....I can shop from the Misses Department!
No more "Women's Sizes" for me! I can actually shop from the "Misses" department! I went shopping Saturday night for the trip and bought a shirt off the regular size racks! I was almost in tears! It felt so good! I was in Dillard's a high-end department store in the mall and found a cute "Emma Sams" t-shirt. I tell you all those weeks on that damn elliptical have paid off. I went 6 days a week for 4 weeks straight and have backed down to 4-5 days a week now but increased my intensity level. Results:
1)I can see the tendons in my feet again....been buried for 26 years!
2)I can feel and actually see my hip bones protruding when I lay down.... again 26 years!
3)I can feel the bones in my spine without putting pressure on them....yep, 26 years!
4)When sitting in the car I can put my thumb on my belly and stretch my fingers as far as possible and still not touch the steering wheel...156 pounds ago my belly rubbed the steering wheel!
5) I'm back down to a size 18....you guessed it 26 long fat years!
Here's the secret to the elliptical according to Kyle the Masochist...I mean Personal Trainer. Don't hang on. I asked him what the arm's are for if not to exercise my arms and and he said "No. Do not hang on. When you don't hang on you are forcing your body to work harder to balance yourself and using more muscles. Therefore, you get a better work out." I also have to keep my feet straight, belly button in, shoulders back, chest out, head up! Concentrate on all that and it's a work out. I sweat like a dog in a Chinese restaurant! When I hang on my heart rate drops about 8-10 points, let go and it shoots back up, so Kyle is correct. I can't believe how much I have toned up in just a few weeks of this! Huge difference!
1)I can see the tendons in my feet again....been buried for 26 years!
2)I can feel and actually see my hip bones protruding when I lay down.... again 26 years!
3)I can feel the bones in my spine without putting pressure on them....yep, 26 years!
4)When sitting in the car I can put my thumb on my belly and stretch my fingers as far as possible and still not touch the steering wheel...156 pounds ago my belly rubbed the steering wheel!
5) I'm back down to a size 18....you guessed it 26 long fat years!
Here's the secret to the elliptical according to Kyle the Masochist...I mean Personal Trainer. Don't hang on. I asked him what the arm's are for if not to exercise my arms and and he said "No. Do not hang on. When you don't hang on you are forcing your body to work harder to balance yourself and using more muscles. Therefore, you get a better work out." I also have to keep my feet straight, belly button in, shoulders back, chest out, head up! Concentrate on all that and it's a work out. I sweat like a dog in a Chinese restaurant! When I hang on my heart rate drops about 8-10 points, let go and it shoots back up, so Kyle is correct. I can't believe how much I have toned up in just a few weeks of this! Huge difference!
I'm Superman!
Took a quiz.....click here to take it yourself....it says I am 85% Superman. Came in 82% with Wonder Woman....I would much rather be her...she's hot!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Update
I'm down another size! Went shopping for the trip(click on the link that reads Paraiso Lindo to see where we are staying) and gathered up several pairs of shorts and capris and headed to the dressing room. Tried on each pair and they were all too big! I had to go down to an 18! I'm back in the teens! WOO HOO!! I smiled so big my face almost broke! I started this journey in a 34W, I'm down 8 sizes! Only 2 more to go and I'll be done!
I hired a personal trainer. It was expensive. It's painful. He makes me do the simplest looking things but they hurt like hell. I sweat like a pig. My butt hurts. I can barely lift my arms above my head. I PAY FOR THIS? But....I love it! It's all about me. For the first time in my life I can do things that are just for me, I can afford it, I don't feel guilty, and I enjoy it. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and I'm loving it!
My depression is much better. I have spent lots of time in prayer, almost constantly on some days. I'm reading Joyce Meyer's best-seller "Battlefield of the Mind" which I highly recommend. One of my favorite quotes is by Normal Vincent Peale "Change your thoughts and you change your world." That's basically what this book teaches but it goes deeper to reveal how Satan will work to control your mind and thus control you through negative tapes we play over and over to bring us down. As children of God we are privileged and have the awesome blessing of peace in our lives, we can enter God's rest, if we line our thoughts up with those of Christ. It's not easy to do and the devil will fight you every step. But the victory has already been won and we can do it if we are strong enough to weather the battle. I'm not Catholic but I am calling on St Michael to defend me. I say a prayer to him to defend me every night and sleep with a St Michael medal around my neck. I'm much more peaceful than I was. My sister does this also, and where I got the idea. She had some paranormal disturbances in her house and hasn't had any trouble since she started doing this. I don't think people in America believe how powerful Satan is. The Bible says in John 10:10 "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He won't destroy me!
So, life is back to being good for me again. It was a short episode this time, harder than any have been before it, but I had the tools and resources to pull out of it much faster. God is good all the time. He has blessed with some of the best friends any one could ever hope for. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am happier than I have ever been. My life is wonderful. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Life is Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hired a personal trainer. It was expensive. It's painful. He makes me do the simplest looking things but they hurt like hell. I sweat like a pig. My butt hurts. I can barely lift my arms above my head. I PAY FOR THIS? But....I love it! It's all about me. For the first time in my life I can do things that are just for me, I can afford it, I don't feel guilty, and I enjoy it. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and I'm loving it!
My depression is much better. I have spent lots of time in prayer, almost constantly on some days. I'm reading Joyce Meyer's best-seller "Battlefield of the Mind" which I highly recommend. One of my favorite quotes is by Normal Vincent Peale "Change your thoughts and you change your world." That's basically what this book teaches but it goes deeper to reveal how Satan will work to control your mind and thus control you through negative tapes we play over and over to bring us down. As children of God we are privileged and have the awesome blessing of peace in our lives, we can enter God's rest, if we line our thoughts up with those of Christ. It's not easy to do and the devil will fight you every step. But the victory has already been won and we can do it if we are strong enough to weather the battle. I'm not Catholic but I am calling on St Michael to defend me. I say a prayer to him to defend me every night and sleep with a St Michael medal around my neck. I'm much more peaceful than I was. My sister does this also, and where I got the idea. She had some paranormal disturbances in her house and hasn't had any trouble since she started doing this. I don't think people in America believe how powerful Satan is. The Bible says in John 10:10 "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He won't destroy me!
So, life is back to being good for me again. It was a short episode this time, harder than any have been before it, but I had the tools and resources to pull out of it much faster. God is good all the time. He has blessed with some of the best friends any one could ever hope for. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am happier than I have ever been. My life is wonderful. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Life is Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Learning
As I am on a never ending quest of self-improvement I've learned some more things about myself. This one Stevie Wonder could see...I have a bad tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING, EVERY FREAKING THING! I hate it. I need to learn to stop. While home last weekend I was talking with my son Matt and finally he said "Mom, do this." and he slouched down in the lawn chair. Then he says; "Now do this." He tilts his head to the left and rests his head on his shoulder. Then he says "Watch the grass grow!" I need to learn to clear my mind and just watch the grass grow.
I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.
My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.
I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.
He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.
Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!
I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.
My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.
I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.
He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.
Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!
Monday, April 23, 2007
What It's All About
I am having a very hard time as of late. I'm working diligently on it. Life is getting better.
I went to Indy this past weekend to see my family. My baby boy, Matt, rushed to the airport to pick me up because my sis got delayed. He climbed out of his truck and rushed over to me, threw his arms around me and hugged me and I just burst into tears. He's 26 years-old but still my baby. He loves his Mom. He's a good boy. It was so very good to see him. I love my kids so much. I did the same thing when I saw my oldest son, David. It was just what I needed, that love of a child for their mother. Nothing like it!
I spent Friday night with my sis, Kim, she came over to Matt's to pick me up since she didn't make it to the airport on time. Saturday night with David and Teresa, and Sunday night with Matt and Tammy. Tammy took me to the airport this morning. Saturday Kim and I went out for breakfast and then she gave me a ton of clothes that she can't wear anymore because she is too skinny! Speaking of...the boys were shocked by my weight loss...they've never seen me this thin that they would remember! It was great to see their reactions! Kim and I talked and talked and had a great time. She prayed with me too and gave me a great Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am currently reading and so far am quite impressed.
Saturday night I just hung out with Dave and Teresa while Maddy played in the court with the neighborhood kids. We talked and talked...it was great! He is going through some issues as well, he is his mother's son..poor guy! He sure is funny though. No one can make me laugh like he can! I love him so much! Teresa just got a promotion and was given a company car, it's is NICE too! They just picked the car of Saturday morning so she's on the new car high!
Sunday we all went to Target and had a family portrait taken...all 10 of us! We were squeezed in there but they got us all in. I'll post the pic when I get them back! We all wore black shirts and jeans. We looked like a gang! The kids had pics taken of their families too! We all went to Olive Garden for lunch first and for the first time in my life I could actually afford to pick up the tab for everyone. It felt really good to be able to do it!
Sunday afternoon I helped Matt lay some pavers to extend his driveway by 2 feet. We had fun and I learned how to do it should I ever have the need. We talked and talked and prayed together. He is young but he is wise in the ways of the Lord. I am very proud of this fact. He loves God, he does his best to serve God and live for Him and lead his family as a Christian husband and father should.
I have awesome kids!
The highlight of the whole weekend happened this morning. I told Heather to wake me up before Tammy took her to school so she could say goodbye as I had to leave before she would get back from school. She did and a few minutes later Robert stuck his head in and said goodbye. Then Mary wanted to come in too. Tammy let her and rather than say goodbye and go with Tammy to take the kids to school she climbed in the bed with me and fell asleep. Tammy stuck her head back in the door and asked if it was OK if Mary stay with me. Of course I let her stay there. That is what life is all about. I woke up sad because of this depression but then was so blessed by that precious little girl cuddling up with her Grandma! It was pure joy to just sleep with her next to me. I woke up several times and just looked at her; at her chubby little hands and feet, her sweet little face looking like an angel while she slept. It made the whole trip! I decided then that no matter what happens that life is wonderful. I am truly blessed.
I called the kids once I made it back to Dallas and Tammy said that Mary fell asleep in the car after they dropped me at the airport and then slept on the couch once they got home until time to pick the kids up from school. When she woke up she asked for me. I guess she forgot about taking me to the airport or either didn't understand what that meant. She is my girl!
So, I'm doing better. I'm going to make it. I am armed this time and fighting this depression with everything in me.
Life truly is sweet when you have a wonderful family that loves the Lord and you!
I went to Indy this past weekend to see my family. My baby boy, Matt, rushed to the airport to pick me up because my sis got delayed. He climbed out of his truck and rushed over to me, threw his arms around me and hugged me and I just burst into tears. He's 26 years-old but still my baby. He loves his Mom. He's a good boy. It was so very good to see him. I love my kids so much. I did the same thing when I saw my oldest son, David. It was just what I needed, that love of a child for their mother. Nothing like it!
I spent Friday night with my sis, Kim, she came over to Matt's to pick me up since she didn't make it to the airport on time. Saturday night with David and Teresa, and Sunday night with Matt and Tammy. Tammy took me to the airport this morning. Saturday Kim and I went out for breakfast and then she gave me a ton of clothes that she can't wear anymore because she is too skinny! Speaking of...the boys were shocked by my weight loss...they've never seen me this thin that they would remember! It was great to see their reactions! Kim and I talked and talked and had a great time. She prayed with me too and gave me a great Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am currently reading and so far am quite impressed.
Saturday night I just hung out with Dave and Teresa while Maddy played in the court with the neighborhood kids. We talked and talked...it was great! He is going through some issues as well, he is his mother's son..poor guy! He sure is funny though. No one can make me laugh like he can! I love him so much! Teresa just got a promotion and was given a company car, it's is NICE too! They just picked the car of Saturday morning so she's on the new car high!
Sunday we all went to Target and had a family portrait taken...all 10 of us! We were squeezed in there but they got us all in. I'll post the pic when I get them back! We all wore black shirts and jeans. We looked like a gang! The kids had pics taken of their families too! We all went to Olive Garden for lunch first and for the first time in my life I could actually afford to pick up the tab for everyone. It felt really good to be able to do it!
Sunday afternoon I helped Matt lay some pavers to extend his driveway by 2 feet. We had fun and I learned how to do it should I ever have the need. We talked and talked and prayed together. He is young but he is wise in the ways of the Lord. I am very proud of this fact. He loves God, he does his best to serve God and live for Him and lead his family as a Christian husband and father should.
I have awesome kids!
The highlight of the whole weekend happened this morning. I told Heather to wake me up before Tammy took her to school so she could say goodbye as I had to leave before she would get back from school. She did and a few minutes later Robert stuck his head in and said goodbye. Then Mary wanted to come in too. Tammy let her and rather than say goodbye and go with Tammy to take the kids to school she climbed in the bed with me and fell asleep. Tammy stuck her head back in the door and asked if it was OK if Mary stay with me. Of course I let her stay there. That is what life is all about. I woke up sad because of this depression but then was so blessed by that precious little girl cuddling up with her Grandma! It was pure joy to just sleep with her next to me. I woke up several times and just looked at her; at her chubby little hands and feet, her sweet little face looking like an angel while she slept. It made the whole trip! I decided then that no matter what happens that life is wonderful. I am truly blessed.
I called the kids once I made it back to Dallas and Tammy said that Mary fell asleep in the car after they dropped me at the airport and then slept on the couch once they got home until time to pick the kids up from school. When she woke up she asked for me. I guess she forgot about taking me to the airport or either didn't understand what that meant. She is my girl!
So, I'm doing better. I'm going to make it. I am armed this time and fighting this depression with everything in me.
Life truly is sweet when you have a wonderful family that loves the Lord and you!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Changes
I have uncovered the root of my recent round with depression....the weight loss. I went to my doctor today and she said this is VERY common with gastric bypass patients. We lose the weight and then we don't know who we are anymore. I'm not fat anymore so I don't have that shield of amour and my coping mechanism, i.e. food, is gone. I look in the mirror and I see a thin woman looking back at me. It's no freaking wonder I'm depressed. I need to learn a new coping skill.
I've had a lot of life changes lately; the divorce, the move, the additional responsibilities and increased presence at work, falling in love with Kirk, and now the additional weight loss. All big hitters but to happen within just a 7 month time frame is a lot. No wonder I crashed. My roommate knew it was all tied to the weight loss, I had no clue! I thought I was wigging out because of Kirk but nope, that's not it! At all!
My doc's husband is a peer to Kirk, they may not know each other but they are very similar in their careers. Both were college level orchestra instructors who are now teaching at high school level, both are very involved in their careers and both have the same "artsy personality", as she called it. She told me some things about her husband and how he is that shed so much light on Kirk that I was amazed. She said artsy people need wiggle room and that this is the busiest time of the year for them. She said her husband would go 3 days without calling and they lived in the same city so she would show up at his apartment and he'd say he was busy and had no time for her. He still loved her but she was hurt. Obviously it worked out as they are married and have 2 children now. I had no clue. Kirk said he was busy and stressed but he never explained why in any great detail. He told me a little but not much. As I have always been involved with men with low-end, low expectation jobs I had no clue about how demanding his job is. Now I know. All I needed was knowledge. Now I understand and can be supportive of him. I'd don't do well with ambiguity. I need to know what's going to happen a year from now. Kirk handles it very well. I asked him to be patient with me and he said that he would. I hope I didn't blow it with him. I don't think that I did. It all takes time, time to get to know each other and time to let the relationship grow.
So it's been a great day. I'm learning more about myself and moving forward.
Life is sweet!
I've had a lot of life changes lately; the divorce, the move, the additional responsibilities and increased presence at work, falling in love with Kirk, and now the additional weight loss. All big hitters but to happen within just a 7 month time frame is a lot. No wonder I crashed. My roommate knew it was all tied to the weight loss, I had no clue! I thought I was wigging out because of Kirk but nope, that's not it! At all!
My doc's husband is a peer to Kirk, they may not know each other but they are very similar in their careers. Both were college level orchestra instructors who are now teaching at high school level, both are very involved in their careers and both have the same "artsy personality", as she called it. She told me some things about her husband and how he is that shed so much light on Kirk that I was amazed. She said artsy people need wiggle room and that this is the busiest time of the year for them. She said her husband would go 3 days without calling and they lived in the same city so she would show up at his apartment and he'd say he was busy and had no time for her. He still loved her but she was hurt. Obviously it worked out as they are married and have 2 children now. I had no clue. Kirk said he was busy and stressed but he never explained why in any great detail. He told me a little but not much. As I have always been involved with men with low-end, low expectation jobs I had no clue about how demanding his job is. Now I know. All I needed was knowledge. Now I understand and can be supportive of him. I'd don't do well with ambiguity. I need to know what's going to happen a year from now. Kirk handles it very well. I asked him to be patient with me and he said that he would. I hope I didn't blow it with him. I don't think that I did. It all takes time, time to get to know each other and time to let the relationship grow.
So it's been a great day. I'm learning more about myself and moving forward.
Life is sweet!
Monday, April 16, 2007
I am
Stace did this so I am copying:
I Am
I am strong
I am in a state of constant self-improvement
I am exhausted as a result
but...
I am strong.
I love like there is no tomorrow
I hurt deeply, I give freely, I hold nothing back
I laugh from my soul, I cry from my soul, I love with my soul
I am weak but
I am strong.
I Am
I am strong
I am in a state of constant self-improvement
I am exhausted as a result
but...
I am strong.
I love like there is no tomorrow
I hurt deeply, I give freely, I hold nothing back
I laugh from my soul, I cry from my soul, I love with my soul
I am weak but
I am strong.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Taking Control
You know when you take control of your own life it's amazing what happens. I have shared my victory of shedding 150 pounds with several of my co-workers and have been asked a lot of questions; What's it like to lose an entire person? How did you do it? What's the biggest difference? You must feel great about yourself now don't you?
The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.
To answer their questions;
1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.
2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.
3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.
4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.
In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.
Life is Sweet!
The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.
To answer their questions;
1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.
2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.
3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.
4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.
In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.
Life is Sweet!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Victory
I got on the scale this morning and have now lost a grand total of 150 pounds! That's an entire human being! I cried tears of joy and gratefulness for God allowing me to reach such a monumental achievement. I've cried after being on the scale before but never from joy! I actually had to sit down I was so emotional. I am overjoyed! 35 more to go to my final goal.
It's been a long journey of overcoming the emotional triggers that got me that big in the first place and will continue to be a path of self-discovery and learning new ways to cope with things without eating but I know I can do it! I lost 150 pounds...I can do anything!!
This is my most recent pic, taken Easter morning. I can't believe that's me considering where I came from! Click here to see my "before" pic. http://randomactsofgenius1049.blogspot.com/2007/03/before-and-new-improved.html
Monday, April 09, 2007
The Drought is Over!!
Well, the rain finally came for my best friend! She's been about as down on her luck as a person can be. There were times when she had more than she could take but her spirit never broke, she always maintained that ray of hope. She embraced God's promises in Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The job will be something that will challenge her which she needs as she is the most intelligent person I have ever known and... includes a lucrative raise....and I mean lucrative! No one deserves it more than she does!
She is an inspiration to me. She's been there for me in times of need. We've been friends for longer than I can remember. I've watched all 3 of her kids grow up, two of them since birth, we've been there through marriages and divorces, times that we don't' talk about but do share a giggle over that only the other knows what really happened but would never tell! Cried together, laughed together, through good times and bad. We will be friends for the rest of our lives. And that is what life is all about. Good friends and family!
So here's to you, Stace! Congratulations!!!
She is an inspiration to me. She's been there for me in times of need. We've been friends for longer than I can remember. I've watched all 3 of her kids grow up, two of them since birth, we've been there through marriages and divorces, times that we don't' talk about but do share a giggle over that only the other knows what really happened but would never tell! Cried together, laughed together, through good times and bad. We will be friends for the rest of our lives. And that is what life is all about. Good friends and family!
So here's to you, Stace! Congratulations!!!
Update on Mary
Here are some pics of her sweet face today.....poor baby! She is doing well though and doesn't seem to have any lasting effects so far. As a matter of fact Tammy had her back in Wal-Mart and the stinker stood up in cart. She is her father made over....no fear!
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