I have finally found a new church home! It is here Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship! It is racially mixed! My guess would be about 75% black and 25% white with a sprinkling of other races. Sunday morning is typically the most segregated hour in America and I think that is just wrong!
As soon as I hit the parking lot a sweet lady who said her name was Mary commented on my skirt so I asked her if I was going in the right direction and she took me under her wing. She sat with me and made me feel so welcome! It was truly a blessing. I am still praising God and it's Tuesday morning! I am 95% sure I will join the church and become active ASAP! I have searched so long for a church home. I love the Lord so much. I praise God all the time and simply adore Him and thank Him for all He has done for me when I don't deserve any thing. I am truly blessed beyond measure!
I listen to praise and worship music almost 24/7 and it keeps me in tune with where I need to be. Sometimes I have to go in my room and get on my knees, stretch my hands towards heaven and just praise God for His goodness. I love Him so much that the tears stream down my face as I thank Him for all He's done for me. I want to share that joy with the world.
He says He will give us the desire of our heart. Mine is for a Godly husband. One who truly knows what submission means and will love me as Christ loves the church. Nothing more, nothing less. Because if I have that then I know I will be truly happy. I want to be a help meet to the man God created for me. I don't know when I will find Him and I only want it to be in God's timing. My cup truly overfloweth.
I am talking to a new man and he appears to be that Godly man...he is looking for a Proverbs 31 woman, which I try to be. I'm asking God to let me know if he is the one or not. After Kirk I can't take anymore heart ache for a long while so I'm going really slow with my heart this time. He is in the Air Guard and called me the first time from Israel and then called me today for my birthday from Africa. He also bought me a present in Israel but I haven't received it yet. Now that's a good man! He flies all over the world but it's all top secret so I can't know more than where he is going. He is based out of Washington DC. He is coming to see me in Dallas tentatively the last weekend of June. I am very excited to see if he is for real or not. Pray for us!
God is good!
Life is Sweet!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Sunday, June 03, 2007
New Stuff
Kimberly is moving out so it's time for me to start buying my own stuff! I went shopping this weekend and bought a new blender, toaster, colander, kitchen utensils, a few drinking cups and some tupperware and other misc items! Where did I find most of these teasures you ask? IKEA! The greatest store on earth outside of Target! lol I bought toaster and blender at Target, both are stainless steel and very awesome I might add. The rest...IKEA! I have my eye on a sofa table and some of the coolest bookcases ever. You can buy one and then the addtional units can be attached to the first... they even have a library ladder. A must have for a book fiend like myself! They even have the most reasonably priced bedroom furniture that is actually pretty nice stuff! I really like this bed and the matching dresser and chest were just as reasonably priced! The bedroom furniture I really want is $5000 at Haverty's. But I can afford IKEA now!
So, I'm a happy girl! Life is good! God is good!
Life is Sweet!
So, I'm a happy girl! Life is good! God is good!
Life is Sweet!
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Changes
This is the sum view of my vacation. Yep, those are my feet! I was laying on the beach thinking about how great life is when I picked up the camera and took this shot. Everyone should go on a vacation like this at least once in their life time. I've made the decision that I will take such a vacation....a REAL vacation....once a year! It was amazing! We flew in the Cancun, Mexico airport on Mother's Day and spent the next 5 days and 4 nights being pampered and enjoying life to the fullest! We had spa treatments; I went for the Hot Stone Massage (heaven on earth),went snorkling, explored the Mayan Ruins, shopping in Playa del Carmen where Kim, Nancy and I had our hair braided and the poor woman was exhausted because my hair is so thick! It was cute but man does it hurt to take it out! I had the time of my life on this vacation!!!
While on the massage table I made a decision to take control of my life and end this relationship with Kirk. I got back on Friday and called him Saturday, no return call, he logged onto Yahoo IM on Sunday and I was on the PC as well so shot him a message and told him he needed to call me. He did. I told him that I can't do this anymore. We have seen each other only one time in the last 10 weeks. That is not even a casual relationship. Of course he gave me the the "it's not you it's me" speech. But I already knew that. Said he didn't have balance in his life and didn't mean to hurt me. But he did. So, I am moving on. If we can make time to see each other then great, if not, it's OK. I want to wait on him but I know what will happen if I do....I'll be waiting forever. I am a damn good woman with a heart of gold. I deserve a good man who will put me first. I refuse to make someone a priority in my life when I am just an option in his!
So....he's been calling, and IM'ing again! Telling me he loves me, he misses me, etc. Damn his ass! Why do men play these games? Is it the thrill of the chase? Are they just cruel my nature? Or is he just fucked up? I will not lump all men in the same category as him but it would be really easy to. It hurts, I'm still crying as I still have feelings for him. I want him to realize what he has in me but my head tells me that won't happen. I need to move on. I turned my phone off last night so he couldn't make the 5:00 a.m. call to me to tell he how much he's thinking of me. He needs to get my voice mail. I need to get my sleep. He called again today, as usual, and like an idiot I answered the phone. He said he can't find another woman because none compare to me. Well, hell, I knew that! haha Why didn't he tell me that shit when before I broke up with him? I just don't understand, if he really thinks I am so great then why isn't he doing everything in his power to get me back? MEN!!!
So, I'm taking my precious son's advice. David told me (and I quote) "Mom, kick his ass to the curb. This is the time of your life and you dont' have time for his shit. Play the field. This is summer and you should have a good time, date around and don't tie yourself down to one man. You are a catch, Mom. Enjoy yourself!" Now with advice like that how could I not take it. And I know my son has my best interest at heart!
So look out Summer of 2007....here I come!
Monday, May 07, 2007
Holy Shit....I can shop from the Misses Department!
No more "Women's Sizes" for me! I can actually shop from the "Misses" department! I went shopping Saturday night for the trip and bought a shirt off the regular size racks! I was almost in tears! It felt so good! I was in Dillard's a high-end department store in the mall and found a cute "Emma Sams" t-shirt. I tell you all those weeks on that damn elliptical have paid off. I went 6 days a week for 4 weeks straight and have backed down to 4-5 days a week now but increased my intensity level. Results:
1)I can see the tendons in my feet again....been buried for 26 years!
2)I can feel and actually see my hip bones protruding when I lay down.... again 26 years!
3)I can feel the bones in my spine without putting pressure on them....yep, 26 years!
4)When sitting in the car I can put my thumb on my belly and stretch my fingers as far as possible and still not touch the steering wheel...156 pounds ago my belly rubbed the steering wheel!
5) I'm back down to a size 18....you guessed it 26 long fat years!
Here's the secret to the elliptical according to Kyle the Masochist...I mean Personal Trainer. Don't hang on. I asked him what the arm's are for if not to exercise my arms and and he said "No. Do not hang on. When you don't hang on you are forcing your body to work harder to balance yourself and using more muscles. Therefore, you get a better work out." I also have to keep my feet straight, belly button in, shoulders back, chest out, head up! Concentrate on all that and it's a work out. I sweat like a dog in a Chinese restaurant! When I hang on my heart rate drops about 8-10 points, let go and it shoots back up, so Kyle is correct. I can't believe how much I have toned up in just a few weeks of this! Huge difference!
1)I can see the tendons in my feet again....been buried for 26 years!
2)I can feel and actually see my hip bones protruding when I lay down.... again 26 years!
3)I can feel the bones in my spine without putting pressure on them....yep, 26 years!
4)When sitting in the car I can put my thumb on my belly and stretch my fingers as far as possible and still not touch the steering wheel...156 pounds ago my belly rubbed the steering wheel!
5) I'm back down to a size 18....you guessed it 26 long fat years!
Here's the secret to the elliptical according to Kyle the Masochist...I mean Personal Trainer. Don't hang on. I asked him what the arm's are for if not to exercise my arms and and he said "No. Do not hang on. When you don't hang on you are forcing your body to work harder to balance yourself and using more muscles. Therefore, you get a better work out." I also have to keep my feet straight, belly button in, shoulders back, chest out, head up! Concentrate on all that and it's a work out. I sweat like a dog in a Chinese restaurant! When I hang on my heart rate drops about 8-10 points, let go and it shoots back up, so Kyle is correct. I can't believe how much I have toned up in just a few weeks of this! Huge difference!
I'm Superman!
Took a quiz.....click here to take it yourself....it says I am 85% Superman. Came in 82% with Wonder Woman....I would much rather be her...she's hot!
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Update
I'm down another size! Went shopping for the trip(click on the link that reads Paraiso Lindo to see where we are staying) and gathered up several pairs of shorts and capris and headed to the dressing room. Tried on each pair and they were all too big! I had to go down to an 18! I'm back in the teens! WOO HOO!! I smiled so big my face almost broke! I started this journey in a 34W, I'm down 8 sizes! Only 2 more to go and I'll be done!
I hired a personal trainer. It was expensive. It's painful. He makes me do the simplest looking things but they hurt like hell. I sweat like a pig. My butt hurts. I can barely lift my arms above my head. I PAY FOR THIS? But....I love it! It's all about me. For the first time in my life I can do things that are just for me, I can afford it, I don't feel guilty, and I enjoy it. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and I'm loving it!
My depression is much better. I have spent lots of time in prayer, almost constantly on some days. I'm reading Joyce Meyer's best-seller "Battlefield of the Mind" which I highly recommend. One of my favorite quotes is by Normal Vincent Peale "Change your thoughts and you change your world." That's basically what this book teaches but it goes deeper to reveal how Satan will work to control your mind and thus control you through negative tapes we play over and over to bring us down. As children of God we are privileged and have the awesome blessing of peace in our lives, we can enter God's rest, if we line our thoughts up with those of Christ. It's not easy to do and the devil will fight you every step. But the victory has already been won and we can do it if we are strong enough to weather the battle. I'm not Catholic but I am calling on St Michael to defend me. I say a prayer to him to defend me every night and sleep with a St Michael medal around my neck. I'm much more peaceful than I was. My sister does this also, and where I got the idea. She had some paranormal disturbances in her house and hasn't had any trouble since she started doing this. I don't think people in America believe how powerful Satan is. The Bible says in John 10:10 "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He won't destroy me!
So, life is back to being good for me again. It was a short episode this time, harder than any have been before it, but I had the tools and resources to pull out of it much faster. God is good all the time. He has blessed with some of the best friends any one could ever hope for. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am happier than I have ever been. My life is wonderful. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Life is Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hired a personal trainer. It was expensive. It's painful. He makes me do the simplest looking things but they hurt like hell. I sweat like a pig. My butt hurts. I can barely lift my arms above my head. I PAY FOR THIS? But....I love it! It's all about me. For the first time in my life I can do things that are just for me, I can afford it, I don't feel guilty, and I enjoy it. I worked hard to get to this point in my life and I'm loving it!
My depression is much better. I have spent lots of time in prayer, almost constantly on some days. I'm reading Joyce Meyer's best-seller "Battlefield of the Mind" which I highly recommend. One of my favorite quotes is by Normal Vincent Peale "Change your thoughts and you change your world." That's basically what this book teaches but it goes deeper to reveal how Satan will work to control your mind and thus control you through negative tapes we play over and over to bring us down. As children of God we are privileged and have the awesome blessing of peace in our lives, we can enter God's rest, if we line our thoughts up with those of Christ. It's not easy to do and the devil will fight you every step. But the victory has already been won and we can do it if we are strong enough to weather the battle. I'm not Catholic but I am calling on St Michael to defend me. I say a prayer to him to defend me every night and sleep with a St Michael medal around my neck. I'm much more peaceful than I was. My sister does this also, and where I got the idea. She had some paranormal disturbances in her house and hasn't had any trouble since she started doing this. I don't think people in America believe how powerful Satan is. The Bible says in John 10:10 "The thief [Satan] comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." He won't destroy me!
So, life is back to being good for me again. It was a short episode this time, harder than any have been before it, but I had the tools and resources to pull out of it much faster. God is good all the time. He has blessed with some of the best friends any one could ever hope for. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am happier than I have ever been. My life is wonderful. I couldn't ask for anything more.
Life is Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Learning
As I am on a never ending quest of self-improvement I've learned some more things about myself. This one Stevie Wonder could see...I have a bad tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING, EVERY FREAKING THING! I hate it. I need to learn to stop. While home last weekend I was talking with my son Matt and finally he said "Mom, do this." and he slouched down in the lawn chair. Then he says; "Now do this." He tilts his head to the left and rests his head on his shoulder. Then he says "Watch the grass grow!" I need to learn to clear my mind and just watch the grass grow.
I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.
My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.
I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.
He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.
Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!
I asked Kirk for the 4th time today if he was tired of me. He finally got a little PO'd and said it bothers him that I always think he is going to do something "dastardly". Can you blame him? It's just so hard to believe he loves me when I've been hurt so deeply so many times. I am REALLY trying hard to not be like that. I don't want to screw this up so am going to stop myself next time I feel that way. I am going to trust him as he's not done anything to cause me to not trust him. It's sad how our past relationships screw us up for when a good one comes along.
My counselor, Mary, told me yesterday that she thinks some of my problem now is post-traumatic stress from my last marriage. My ex used to set bullets down in front of me and say "That's got your name on it." and he would flip his pocket knives open really fast and hold them up to me. He said he was "playing" but it never felt like play to me. I was and always will be scared of him. Mary said now that I am out of that situation it's natural to have some fall out as it's safe to feel the pain now. He spent his time with me mentally abusing me or altogether ignoring me. Hence the anxiety over Kirk. When Kirk is busy I naturally begin to feel the feelings of being ignored again. But this is different. Kirk does love me and Kirk is working, not out drinking with his loser friends and screwing other women.
I know that I am head over heels about Kirk and Mary said that based on that my anxiety is higher because I have more of my heart at stake than I ever have before so my risk for heart break is much higher. But I also know what I need in a relationship, or at least I think I do. He seems to be awfully busy, too busy for time with me, but I have so many things that I need to do that I am OK with it for now. He did tell me today that he applied for the job in Irving because of me partially and probably wouldn't have chose Irving if not for me. So how can I doubt his intentions towards me with confirmation like that. Of course, I didn't know that until a few hours ago either. That makes me feel MUCH better! I also told him that I was afraid to share my feelings for fear he would think I have too many issues and end the relationship. It is scary to show my heart to him but I need to take that chance if I want this to work....and I REALLLLLLLY want this to work.
He is amazing. He is wonderful. He is funny. He is so very intelligent. He is loving. He is kind. He is gentle. He is all I've ever wanted. He loves me. I love him.
Life is Sweet! Very sweet indeed!
Monday, April 23, 2007
What It's All About
I am having a very hard time as of late. I'm working diligently on it. Life is getting better.
I went to Indy this past weekend to see my family. My baby boy, Matt, rushed to the airport to pick me up because my sis got delayed. He climbed out of his truck and rushed over to me, threw his arms around me and hugged me and I just burst into tears. He's 26 years-old but still my baby. He loves his Mom. He's a good boy. It was so very good to see him. I love my kids so much. I did the same thing when I saw my oldest son, David. It was just what I needed, that love of a child for their mother. Nothing like it!
I spent Friday night with my sis, Kim, she came over to Matt's to pick me up since she didn't make it to the airport on time. Saturday night with David and Teresa, and Sunday night with Matt and Tammy. Tammy took me to the airport this morning. Saturday Kim and I went out for breakfast and then she gave me a ton of clothes that she can't wear anymore because she is too skinny! Speaking of...the boys were shocked by my weight loss...they've never seen me this thin that they would remember! It was great to see their reactions! Kim and I talked and talked and had a great time. She prayed with me too and gave me a great Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am currently reading and so far am quite impressed.
Saturday night I just hung out with Dave and Teresa while Maddy played in the court with the neighborhood kids. We talked and talked...it was great! He is going through some issues as well, he is his mother's son..poor guy! He sure is funny though. No one can make me laugh like he can! I love him so much! Teresa just got a promotion and was given a company car, it's is NICE too! They just picked the car of Saturday morning so she's on the new car high!
Sunday we all went to Target and had a family portrait taken...all 10 of us! We were squeezed in there but they got us all in. I'll post the pic when I get them back! We all wore black shirts and jeans. We looked like a gang! The kids had pics taken of their families too! We all went to Olive Garden for lunch first and for the first time in my life I could actually afford to pick up the tab for everyone. It felt really good to be able to do it!
Sunday afternoon I helped Matt lay some pavers to extend his driveway by 2 feet. We had fun and I learned how to do it should I ever have the need. We talked and talked and prayed together. He is young but he is wise in the ways of the Lord. I am very proud of this fact. He loves God, he does his best to serve God and live for Him and lead his family as a Christian husband and father should.
I have awesome kids!
The highlight of the whole weekend happened this morning. I told Heather to wake me up before Tammy took her to school so she could say goodbye as I had to leave before she would get back from school. She did and a few minutes later Robert stuck his head in and said goodbye. Then Mary wanted to come in too. Tammy let her and rather than say goodbye and go with Tammy to take the kids to school she climbed in the bed with me and fell asleep. Tammy stuck her head back in the door and asked if it was OK if Mary stay with me. Of course I let her stay there. That is what life is all about. I woke up sad because of this depression but then was so blessed by that precious little girl cuddling up with her Grandma! It was pure joy to just sleep with her next to me. I woke up several times and just looked at her; at her chubby little hands and feet, her sweet little face looking like an angel while she slept. It made the whole trip! I decided then that no matter what happens that life is wonderful. I am truly blessed.
I called the kids once I made it back to Dallas and Tammy said that Mary fell asleep in the car after they dropped me at the airport and then slept on the couch once they got home until time to pick the kids up from school. When she woke up she asked for me. I guess she forgot about taking me to the airport or either didn't understand what that meant. She is my girl!
So, I'm doing better. I'm going to make it. I am armed this time and fighting this depression with everything in me.
Life truly is sweet when you have a wonderful family that loves the Lord and you!
I went to Indy this past weekend to see my family. My baby boy, Matt, rushed to the airport to pick me up because my sis got delayed. He climbed out of his truck and rushed over to me, threw his arms around me and hugged me and I just burst into tears. He's 26 years-old but still my baby. He loves his Mom. He's a good boy. It was so very good to see him. I love my kids so much. I did the same thing when I saw my oldest son, David. It was just what I needed, that love of a child for their mother. Nothing like it!
I spent Friday night with my sis, Kim, she came over to Matt's to pick me up since she didn't make it to the airport on time. Saturday night with David and Teresa, and Sunday night with Matt and Tammy. Tammy took me to the airport this morning. Saturday Kim and I went out for breakfast and then she gave me a ton of clothes that she can't wear anymore because she is too skinny! Speaking of...the boys were shocked by my weight loss...they've never seen me this thin that they would remember! It was great to see their reactions! Kim and I talked and talked and had a great time. She prayed with me too and gave me a great Joyce Meyer book "Battlefield of the Mind" that I am currently reading and so far am quite impressed.
Saturday night I just hung out with Dave and Teresa while Maddy played in the court with the neighborhood kids. We talked and talked...it was great! He is going through some issues as well, he is his mother's son..poor guy! He sure is funny though. No one can make me laugh like he can! I love him so much! Teresa just got a promotion and was given a company car, it's is NICE too! They just picked the car of Saturday morning so she's on the new car high!
Sunday we all went to Target and had a family portrait taken...all 10 of us! We were squeezed in there but they got us all in. I'll post the pic when I get them back! We all wore black shirts and jeans. We looked like a gang! The kids had pics taken of their families too! We all went to Olive Garden for lunch first and for the first time in my life I could actually afford to pick up the tab for everyone. It felt really good to be able to do it!
Sunday afternoon I helped Matt lay some pavers to extend his driveway by 2 feet. We had fun and I learned how to do it should I ever have the need. We talked and talked and prayed together. He is young but he is wise in the ways of the Lord. I am very proud of this fact. He loves God, he does his best to serve God and live for Him and lead his family as a Christian husband and father should.
I have awesome kids!
The highlight of the whole weekend happened this morning. I told Heather to wake me up before Tammy took her to school so she could say goodbye as I had to leave before she would get back from school. She did and a few minutes later Robert stuck his head in and said goodbye. Then Mary wanted to come in too. Tammy let her and rather than say goodbye and go with Tammy to take the kids to school she climbed in the bed with me and fell asleep. Tammy stuck her head back in the door and asked if it was OK if Mary stay with me. Of course I let her stay there. That is what life is all about. I woke up sad because of this depression but then was so blessed by that precious little girl cuddling up with her Grandma! It was pure joy to just sleep with her next to me. I woke up several times and just looked at her; at her chubby little hands and feet, her sweet little face looking like an angel while she slept. It made the whole trip! I decided then that no matter what happens that life is wonderful. I am truly blessed.
I called the kids once I made it back to Dallas and Tammy said that Mary fell asleep in the car after they dropped me at the airport and then slept on the couch once they got home until time to pick the kids up from school. When she woke up she asked for me. I guess she forgot about taking me to the airport or either didn't understand what that meant. She is my girl!
So, I'm doing better. I'm going to make it. I am armed this time and fighting this depression with everything in me.
Life truly is sweet when you have a wonderful family that loves the Lord and you!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Changes
I have uncovered the root of my recent round with depression....the weight loss. I went to my doctor today and she said this is VERY common with gastric bypass patients. We lose the weight and then we don't know who we are anymore. I'm not fat anymore so I don't have that shield of amour and my coping mechanism, i.e. food, is gone. I look in the mirror and I see a thin woman looking back at me. It's no freaking wonder I'm depressed. I need to learn a new coping skill.
I've had a lot of life changes lately; the divorce, the move, the additional responsibilities and increased presence at work, falling in love with Kirk, and now the additional weight loss. All big hitters but to happen within just a 7 month time frame is a lot. No wonder I crashed. My roommate knew it was all tied to the weight loss, I had no clue! I thought I was wigging out because of Kirk but nope, that's not it! At all!
My doc's husband is a peer to Kirk, they may not know each other but they are very similar in their careers. Both were college level orchestra instructors who are now teaching at high school level, both are very involved in their careers and both have the same "artsy personality", as she called it. She told me some things about her husband and how he is that shed so much light on Kirk that I was amazed. She said artsy people need wiggle room and that this is the busiest time of the year for them. She said her husband would go 3 days without calling and they lived in the same city so she would show up at his apartment and he'd say he was busy and had no time for her. He still loved her but she was hurt. Obviously it worked out as they are married and have 2 children now. I had no clue. Kirk said he was busy and stressed but he never explained why in any great detail. He told me a little but not much. As I have always been involved with men with low-end, low expectation jobs I had no clue about how demanding his job is. Now I know. All I needed was knowledge. Now I understand and can be supportive of him. I'd don't do well with ambiguity. I need to know what's going to happen a year from now. Kirk handles it very well. I asked him to be patient with me and he said that he would. I hope I didn't blow it with him. I don't think that I did. It all takes time, time to get to know each other and time to let the relationship grow.
So it's been a great day. I'm learning more about myself and moving forward.
Life is sweet!
I've had a lot of life changes lately; the divorce, the move, the additional responsibilities and increased presence at work, falling in love with Kirk, and now the additional weight loss. All big hitters but to happen within just a 7 month time frame is a lot. No wonder I crashed. My roommate knew it was all tied to the weight loss, I had no clue! I thought I was wigging out because of Kirk but nope, that's not it! At all!
My doc's husband is a peer to Kirk, they may not know each other but they are very similar in their careers. Both were college level orchestra instructors who are now teaching at high school level, both are very involved in their careers and both have the same "artsy personality", as she called it. She told me some things about her husband and how he is that shed so much light on Kirk that I was amazed. She said artsy people need wiggle room and that this is the busiest time of the year for them. She said her husband would go 3 days without calling and they lived in the same city so she would show up at his apartment and he'd say he was busy and had no time for her. He still loved her but she was hurt. Obviously it worked out as they are married and have 2 children now. I had no clue. Kirk said he was busy and stressed but he never explained why in any great detail. He told me a little but not much. As I have always been involved with men with low-end, low expectation jobs I had no clue about how demanding his job is. Now I know. All I needed was knowledge. Now I understand and can be supportive of him. I'd don't do well with ambiguity. I need to know what's going to happen a year from now. Kirk handles it very well. I asked him to be patient with me and he said that he would. I hope I didn't blow it with him. I don't think that I did. It all takes time, time to get to know each other and time to let the relationship grow.
So it's been a great day. I'm learning more about myself and moving forward.
Life is sweet!
Monday, April 16, 2007
I am
Stace did this so I am copying:
I Am
I am strong
I am in a state of constant self-improvement
I am exhausted as a result
but...
I am strong.
I love like there is no tomorrow
I hurt deeply, I give freely, I hold nothing back
I laugh from my soul, I cry from my soul, I love with my soul
I am weak but
I am strong.
I Am
I am strong
I am in a state of constant self-improvement
I am exhausted as a result
but...
I am strong.
I love like there is no tomorrow
I hurt deeply, I give freely, I hold nothing back
I laugh from my soul, I cry from my soul, I love with my soul
I am weak but
I am strong.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Taking Control
You know when you take control of your own life it's amazing what happens. I have shared my victory of shedding 150 pounds with several of my co-workers and have been asked a lot of questions; What's it like to lose an entire person? How did you do it? What's the biggest difference? You must feel great about yourself now don't you?
The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.
To answer their questions;
1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.
2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.
3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.
4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.
In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.
Life is Sweet!
The questions have given me pause to reflect and give them thoughtful answers. One of the girls said "You have lost me!" They say things like "You look great." and "You're hot." but I don't feel hot. My head is still lagging behind. I am in a size 20 and my final goal is a 16. For my height that is a great size, any smaller and I will look anorexic. I say that with an "Oh my gosh, you are still fat so make sure everyone knows that you are tall and big boned because NO BODY WANTS to be in a size 16, that's huge" attitude. Stupid, I know. Give me time.
To answer their questions;
1) It's unbelievable. I know many people have done it, less have kept it off.
2) Two things; I forgave. Forgiveness for past hurts released me from the emotional and psychological binds that tied me and kept me in a prison of self-destructive behavior. The second thing is that I took control of my life. I was already working on my degree and knew that I would never find a good job if I was still as big as I was. I was not going to work all those years to earn my coveted degree and not put it to good use. I had to take control and do whatever necessary to change the path I was on.
3) The biggest difference is not in how I feel but rather in how other people treat me, strangers mostly. When you are that big you are the elephant in the middle of the room that nobody sees but everyone knows you are there. You are enormous yet invisible. You are less than human and treated as such. People are very, very rude. Doors are dropped in your face. People stare. Little children make comments. White men are the worst. I used to dread encountering a white male between the ages of 25-45 who had a certain look, they were cruel. Like I was in this world only for them to taunt and ridicule. (Any wonder I am not attracted to white men? hmmmm). There were many places I could not sit because I did not fit. Restaurant booths, airplane seats, waiting room chairs, forget lawn furniture, many cars and if I fit in the car I could not get the seat belt on. Turnstiles. Even getting on a crowded elevator was cause for distress because my weight would make the elevator drop just a smidgen; horrifying! People would rarely look me in the eye. I always got waited on last. So to deal with the harsh treatment and to cement the truth that I was not worthy I went home and soothed the pain with food! What a great friend I had. Sad, but true.
4) Yes. I do! It's been a long, bumpy ride. But I'm here. I'm whole. I count. I am no longer invisible. People look me in the eye. Strangers have conversations with me while waiting in line. People hold the door for me. I fit in any chair or car or booth or elevator I want. I can buy clothes almost anywhere. I am a person again. I am not the elephant in the middle of the room. One of the hardest changes is getting flirted with. I'm not used to that. It happens all the time. At church a man shook my hand and winked at me. He didn't wink at my room mates because I asked them. Another one in the choir spent most of the sermon looking at me. (Keep in mind it was a black church and the brothers love me you know!) I know other women have dealt with it their whole lives, not me. It's strange. I used to think when I was big that it would make me mad if I ever got thin and men began to pay attention to me but it doesn't. I smile and walk a little taller and chip away a little more of the inner fat girl when it happens. When you've not had attention in a positive manner your whole life and it finally comes it is intoxicating.
In order to give back to I am going to volunteer at a women's shelter or program to help other women. If I can help just one woman take control of her own life then everything I have gone through will be worth it. I didn't go through all of this to keep my key learning's to myself. My co-workers want me to write a book about my journey. I think it would be cathartic. I may do it.
Life is Sweet!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Victory
I got on the scale this morning and have now lost a grand total of 150 pounds! That's an entire human being! I cried tears of joy and gratefulness for God allowing me to reach such a monumental achievement. I've cried after being on the scale before but never from joy! I actually had to sit down I was so emotional. I am overjoyed! 35 more to go to my final goal.
It's been a long journey of overcoming the emotional triggers that got me that big in the first place and will continue to be a path of self-discovery and learning new ways to cope with things without eating but I know I can do it! I lost 150 pounds...I can do anything!!
This is my most recent pic, taken Easter morning. I can't believe that's me considering where I came from! Click here to see my "before" pic. http://randomactsofgenius1049.blogspot.com/2007/03/before-and-new-improved.html
Monday, April 09, 2007
The Drought is Over!!
Well, the rain finally came for my best friend! She's been about as down on her luck as a person can be. There were times when she had more than she could take but her spirit never broke, she always maintained that ray of hope. She embraced God's promises in Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version) "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The job will be something that will challenge her which she needs as she is the most intelligent person I have ever known and... includes a lucrative raise....and I mean lucrative! No one deserves it more than she does!
She is an inspiration to me. She's been there for me in times of need. We've been friends for longer than I can remember. I've watched all 3 of her kids grow up, two of them since birth, we've been there through marriages and divorces, times that we don't' talk about but do share a giggle over that only the other knows what really happened but would never tell! Cried together, laughed together, through good times and bad. We will be friends for the rest of our lives. And that is what life is all about. Good friends and family!
So here's to you, Stace! Congratulations!!!
She is an inspiration to me. She's been there for me in times of need. We've been friends for longer than I can remember. I've watched all 3 of her kids grow up, two of them since birth, we've been there through marriages and divorces, times that we don't' talk about but do share a giggle over that only the other knows what really happened but would never tell! Cried together, laughed together, through good times and bad. We will be friends for the rest of our lives. And that is what life is all about. Good friends and family!
So here's to you, Stace! Congratulations!!!
Update on Mary
Here are some pics of her sweet face today.....poor baby! She is doing well though and doesn't seem to have any lasting effects so far. As a matter of fact Tammy had her back in Wal-Mart and the stinker stood up in cart. She is her father made over....no fear!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Mary
My granddaughter Mary fell, actually did a swan dive, out of a shopping cart at Wal-Mart yesterday evening, landed on her forehead and is now all bruised and swollen. My DIL, Tammy, rushed her to the hospital and they performed a CAT scan and there doesn't appear to be any damage to her brain so thank God for that! There just "happened" to be a trauma nurse in the same aisle when she fell. I believe God put the nurse there! She looked Mary over and told Tammy to get her to a hospital as fast as she could.
Here are a few pics of they emailed to me last night. Please pray for Mary to be healed with no lasting effects from the fall. (That's her Daddy, my youngest son, Matt, behind her.)
The shirt Mary has on says "My Grandma, My pacifier, My pony - In that order" Love that shirt! :)
Here are a few pics of they emailed to me last night. Please pray for Mary to be healed with no lasting effects from the fall. (That's her Daddy, my youngest son, Matt, behind her.)
The shirt Mary has on says "My Grandma, My pacifier, My pony - In that order" Love that shirt! :)
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Is the Honeymoon over?
http://personals.yahoo.com/us/static/relationships_questions-tango;_ylc=X3oDMTI2NXQ0dmM2BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEX3MDOTczMDg0ODcEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawNyZWxhdGlvbnNoaXBzX2NvbW1pdHRpbmctdGFuZ28-
This is a great article on relationships and how to know if the honeymoon is over! I'm not married but I still think it's great advice!
This is a great article on relationships and how to know if the honeymoon is over! I'm not married but I still think it's great advice!
Light Bulb Moment
After much soul searching, tearful conversations with my sister, Kim, my roommate Kimberly who is going to school to be a counselor/social worker, and my best friend, Stacey. I figured out why I am so anxious over this relationship with Kirk. My past. I have been lied to and left by men who claimed they loved me. They said the words. Then they left me anyway. They mistreated me, disrespected me in too many ways to count and I allowed it, and then they left.
Kirk has been busy with his life. He made a commitment to do this BP MS150 ride, he is guardian to his grandmother, he got sick. All things that were either prior commitments before he met me or out of his control. I was coming home from the gym a few minutes ago and it dawned on me. All the years I sat at home and waited on my ex-husband to want to spend time with me were painful. He spent 90% of his free time with his friends and left me home alone. When I would call him he would say he was actually on his way home and then show up 2-3 hours later. I would prepare dinner and as it was almost finished he'd say he was going to the "pen", (The Roping Pen a hole-in-the wall ghetto place to buy stolen property, bootleg liquor, ride a horse, and find extramarital sex. He participated in all these activities.) He wouldn't even show me the respect to eat the dinner I had just prepared with me. He wanted me to put a plate in the oven for him and I did. I allowed him to treat me that way for 12 years before I'd had enough and left. So now that Kirk doesn't have the time to see me I panicked and felt it was the same thing all over again. It's not. I'm comparing apples to oranges. I didn't realize that was what I was doing but it was. I have prayed for God to reveal to me what it was I was supposed to learn this weekend and this is it. I'm still upset that I didn't get to see Kirk but I learned a lesson that is more valuable than rubies. God is good.
Stacey is the one who shed the most light on this for me. I know she reads my blog so I want to publicly say thank you, girl! She knows the pain and sorrow I've endured through the years at the hands of men that I have allowed to mistreat me. She pointed out that I am playing my old tapes and need to get new ones. She also pointed out that I have started out this relationship in a different way and that it is all new territory to me, it's very unfamiliar so I don't quite know what to do. I thought about what she said and realized that if I wanted to repeat my old patterns, that are comfortable like an old ratty shirt and pair of jeans, I could. But it's time for new clothes. New clothes are nice, attractive, desirable, yet stiff and unfamiliar. It takes a while to get comfortable in something new yet we all love new clothes and how they make us feel. Change is hard. Change is stressful. Yet change is good.
I still may get to see Kirk this weekend. If he is feeling better I may go down tomorrow for the night. If not then hopefully, next weekend. But I know that he is not dumping me or ignoring me. He is living his life with balance. I need to learn to do the same. I can't and won't be all consumed by Kirk. I need to remember that he is the cherry on top of my sundae, not my entire sundae. It's hard to learn new tapes but I can do it. I can do anything I want!
Life is Sweet!
Kirk has been busy with his life. He made a commitment to do this BP MS150 ride, he is guardian to his grandmother, he got sick. All things that were either prior commitments before he met me or out of his control. I was coming home from the gym a few minutes ago and it dawned on me. All the years I sat at home and waited on my ex-husband to want to spend time with me were painful. He spent 90% of his free time with his friends and left me home alone. When I would call him he would say he was actually on his way home and then show up 2-3 hours later. I would prepare dinner and as it was almost finished he'd say he was going to the "pen", (The Roping Pen a hole-in-the wall ghetto place to buy stolen property, bootleg liquor, ride a horse, and find extramarital sex. He participated in all these activities.) He wouldn't even show me the respect to eat the dinner I had just prepared with me. He wanted me to put a plate in the oven for him and I did. I allowed him to treat me that way for 12 years before I'd had enough and left. So now that Kirk doesn't have the time to see me I panicked and felt it was the same thing all over again. It's not. I'm comparing apples to oranges. I didn't realize that was what I was doing but it was. I have prayed for God to reveal to me what it was I was supposed to learn this weekend and this is it. I'm still upset that I didn't get to see Kirk but I learned a lesson that is more valuable than rubies. God is good.
Stacey is the one who shed the most light on this for me. I know she reads my blog so I want to publicly say thank you, girl! She knows the pain and sorrow I've endured through the years at the hands of men that I have allowed to mistreat me. She pointed out that I am playing my old tapes and need to get new ones. She also pointed out that I have started out this relationship in a different way and that it is all new territory to me, it's very unfamiliar so I don't quite know what to do. I thought about what she said and realized that if I wanted to repeat my old patterns, that are comfortable like an old ratty shirt and pair of jeans, I could. But it's time for new clothes. New clothes are nice, attractive, desirable, yet stiff and unfamiliar. It takes a while to get comfortable in something new yet we all love new clothes and how they make us feel. Change is hard. Change is stressful. Yet change is good.
I still may get to see Kirk this weekend. If he is feeling better I may go down tomorrow for the night. If not then hopefully, next weekend. But I know that he is not dumping me or ignoring me. He is living his life with balance. I need to learn to do the same. I can't and won't be all consumed by Kirk. I need to remember that he is the cherry on top of my sundae, not my entire sundae. It's hard to learn new tapes but I can do it. I can do anything I want!
Life is Sweet!
Princess Dress
The dress was a hit. Mary calls it her "Princess Dress" and threw a shit fit when made to take it off! She got on the phone and said "I like my Princess dress, Ga-maw. I got a crown too. I love you." and off she went! Now how could that not make your heart melt? I sent some Easter goodies for all 4 kids along with the dress, so the tiara, wand, earrings and ring were in the box too. She loved it!
So I have forgiven Simplicity for the f-up'd pattern. Life goes on! Grandkids are the best...I highly recommend them. Don't have kids just wait for the grandbabies...they're LOTS more fun!
Here is the princess!
So I have forgiven Simplicity for the f-up'd pattern. Life goes on! Grandkids are the best...I highly recommend them. Don't have kids just wait for the grandbabies...they're LOTS more fun!
Here is the princess!
Sad
Sad does not scratch the surface of how I feel right now. I wanted to see Kirk so badly. He said I could come tomorrow to watch him sleep but I won't. Not unless he calls Saturday morning and is feeling much, much better. Kim and I prayed for him to be healed. He did go to the doc and get some antibiotics. I may go Sunday depending on how he's feeling. I really need to see him. It's been too fucking long. He got this from some kid at school who coughed in his face, he is furious. Not only is he sick, he is missing his training and organized ride Saturday, but we can't see each other this weekend. This really sucks..... big donkey ones. I know in the grand scheme of things it may not seem a big deal but imagine you couldn't see your husband or boyfriend or child or someone you love from now until May 7th. That's a fucking long time! It will be even longer if he doesn't feel better by Sunday. It will be almost 6 weeks if we have to wait until next weekend. I am devastated. I truly am. I am angry at God for allowing him to be sick. I am hurt. I am upset. I am mad. I am fucking mad. I have been through so much hurt and pain and don't understand why I can't have a little happiness and joy for a change. I know I'm whining and having a pity party but damn it, enough is enough already.
Friday, April 06, 2007
Off to Houston I Go!---------NOT
FINALLY......Kirk and I have a weekend together! I'm heading down tomorrow morning. He is off work as schools are closed for Good Friday. I should get there around 3:00-3:30. I miss him, terribly. I don't know if my heart can take this relationship or not. I'm scared. Pray for me. It's either one of two things. 1) It will last the rest of my life. 2) It will not. #2 scares the hell out of me.
I love so deeply so I also hurt deeply. How does another person get so much control to break your heart? How did he work his way into my heart and soul? He really is in my soul now. I can't imagine life without him yet it's just too freaking soon to feel this way. So you see why I am scared shitless. What's a girl to do? Follow my heart? Run like hell in the opposite direction? The polls are open until 12:00 midnight tomorrow. Let the voting begin...
4/6/07 12:30 p.m. -UDATE: Kirk called at 7:45 this morning and is very sick. He asked me to not come today. He's going to the doctor to get some antibiotics and said he'll let me know if he feels better tomorrow. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. I don't know if I can go another weekend without seeing him. I had so many things I wanted to discuss with him about our relationship and now I'm put off again. God, what are you doing? Why is this happening? Show me what it is I am supposed to learn from this. Why am I so upset? I would let Kirk come see me if I were sick but he doesn't want me to come down until he feels better. I know some men are like that, they just want to be left alone when they don't feel good. I guess he is one of them. This really sucks.
This is kind of off topic but a friend and I had a deep discussion last night and he said some things that floored me. He said that I am powerful, intelligent, and have the presence to do whatever I want in life. He said I am a true leader. Why don't I see it? I told him Kirk said I could be CEO of my company if I wanted to and he said "you could", but I don't see it. My roommate says I am the most intelligent person she knows and she knows some people with PhD's. But I don't' see it. I asked him what he meant by power. He said that my vision is big and that I always strive to improve myself and dig deep and that is power, power that can take me anywhere I want to go and that not many people have that. I don't see it. Why? I'm going to try to tap into that and see what I can do with it. Continually striving to improve yourself is exhausting!
I feel like a fuck-up most of the time. I let my peers at work intimidate me daily. They ask me questions that I don't know the answers to so how am I so intelligent? During most meetings I am bored out of my mind and don't engage because I want to tell them all to shut the fuck up as their ramblings are idiotic! They say the dumbest things, make the stupidest decisions yet all look at each other with pride that they have just saved the world. It makes me sick. I am speaking of my extended group of peers and not the core group I work with nightly as they totally rock! I guess that is what my friends means in the statement that I see the bigger picture. I see people worry about and make big deals out of the small shit that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. My philosophy is "Will it make a difference 100 years from now? If not then who gives a shit!"
All I know is that I've got some more work to do on myself. God help me to see what it is you're telling me so I can get it down and move on. I'm tired. Enough already!
I love so deeply so I also hurt deeply. How does another person get so much control to break your heart? How did he work his way into my heart and soul? He really is in my soul now. I can't imagine life without him yet it's just too freaking soon to feel this way. So you see why I am scared shitless. What's a girl to do? Follow my heart? Run like hell in the opposite direction? The polls are open until 12:00 midnight tomorrow. Let the voting begin...
4/6/07 12:30 p.m. -UDATE: Kirk called at 7:45 this morning and is very sick. He asked me to not come today. He's going to the doctor to get some antibiotics and said he'll let me know if he feels better tomorrow. I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. I don't know if I can go another weekend without seeing him. I had so many things I wanted to discuss with him about our relationship and now I'm put off again. God, what are you doing? Why is this happening? Show me what it is I am supposed to learn from this. Why am I so upset? I would let Kirk come see me if I were sick but he doesn't want me to come down until he feels better. I know some men are like that, they just want to be left alone when they don't feel good. I guess he is one of them. This really sucks.
This is kind of off topic but a friend and I had a deep discussion last night and he said some things that floored me. He said that I am powerful, intelligent, and have the presence to do whatever I want in life. He said I am a true leader. Why don't I see it? I told him Kirk said I could be CEO of my company if I wanted to and he said "you could", but I don't see it. My roommate says I am the most intelligent person she knows and she knows some people with PhD's. But I don't' see it. I asked him what he meant by power. He said that my vision is big and that I always strive to improve myself and dig deep and that is power, power that can take me anywhere I want to go and that not many people have that. I don't see it. Why? I'm going to try to tap into that and see what I can do with it. Continually striving to improve yourself is exhausting!
I feel like a fuck-up most of the time. I let my peers at work intimidate me daily. They ask me questions that I don't know the answers to so how am I so intelligent? During most meetings I am bored out of my mind and don't engage because I want to tell them all to shut the fuck up as their ramblings are idiotic! They say the dumbest things, make the stupidest decisions yet all look at each other with pride that they have just saved the world. It makes me sick. I am speaking of my extended group of peers and not the core group I work with nightly as they totally rock! I guess that is what my friends means in the statement that I see the bigger picture. I see people worry about and make big deals out of the small shit that doesn't amount to a hill of beans. My philosophy is "Will it make a difference 100 years from now? If not then who gives a shit!"
All I know is that I've got some more work to do on myself. God help me to see what it is you're telling me so I can get it down and move on. I'm tired. Enough already!
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