Mid-Life Crisis

Apparently I am going through a mid-life crisis, or at least that's what my Mother said! ARGH!! Now a boob job, a convertible, and a 20 year-old boyfriend would qualify me for a mid-life crisis but just having fun and being myself hardly justifies that label. She infuriates me! When I'm gone I forget her meddlesome, mean ways but when I'm there I hear all the cutting, sarcastic comments, and the lies and then it all comes back to me. So, I shall go back to being closed mouth and not telling her anything. Works better for me that way. She told me she hoped I didn't marry another black man because all black people stink, they smell vinegary. Really? Didn't know that. Apparently my entire house stunk! Really? Didn't know that either. She also asked if Kim and Kelly were turning me gay. Nope, not yet but they are working on it. If they do they'll get the toaster oven. I've seen it at the meetings and it's a really nice one too! Bet she'd love to have me bring a black man home instead of a white woman any day!

OK on to the fun part of my trip!.....Here are pics of my granddaughters. I'll post more of the other kids too when I get them downloaded, these came off my camera phone. They are just the cutest babies in the world. Mary is 2 and Emily is 3 months now! I do love my babies! They are so precious and it was so good to see them. I had a great time seeing them, playing with them, and holding them. They grow so quickly! They both make my heart swell until it feels like it will pop out of my chest.








So, I guess they have a Granny in a mid-life crisis! How funny is that! My BFF said it best "Good girls go to heaven, Bad girls go everywhere!"

Speaking of that.....my date went well. He is a very nice man, going to see him again Sunday and see if there is any spark. Not looking for anything serious as it would interfere with the fun I'm having at the moment. I was tied down for too long to not go out and enjoy all life has to offer!

I'm getting a big head over all this attention. I went to work last night and got so much love. The guys were so happy I was back. One actually had tears of joy! Little overboard if you ask me, but still it's flattering. He's my NSSA (Not So Secret Admirer), Anthony. Never had anyone cry tears of joy to see me, ever! I'm just his boss too. Strange. Anyway, it is good to be back. I really did miss everyone. Still in a dilemma as to whether to move back to Indy or not. I still hate Indy just as much as I did last Spring. But still love my family as much as I did last Spring. Selfish of me to not want to go but I don't. I wish they would move here....super selfish! Except for my Mother, she can keep her behind there. She exhausts me.

Hottie....me?

Life just gets better everyday! I was driving to work today, minding my own business when this beautiful black man driving a BMW 535i passes me on Hwy 67 in Cedar Hill. I was chatting with my Mom on the cell phone and looked over at him and smiled. Innocent enough, right? You know I love black men and he was good looking. Well, he pulls in front of me and slows down so I pull back into the fast lane and pass him. As I get even with him he speeds up so I look over at him and he is smiling at me....so....I smile back. He waves. I wave. He motions for me to pull over and I give him the thumbs up. I mean it's a beautiful man in a BMW 535i...my Momma didn't raise no fool. We pull off the Hwy and into the parking lot of all places...Target! He pulls into a parking spot and I pull in the opposite way as neither one of us are going to get out of the car.

We say "Hi" and are both kind of freaked out over the whole thing. I told him I've never met anyone on the highway and he says the same thing. His name is Louis Butler and he is an Electrical Engineer or something like that, I was kinda nervous so don't remember exactly what he said. He is divorced and say he didn't think he had "it" anymore. I said "well I guess you do cause you caught my attention" and he said the same for me. I looked like shit today. No make-up, bad hair day, I'm wearing a man's long sleeve plain gray Hane's t-shirt. He'll flip when he sees me in make-up, with the hair done and nice clothes on. Anyway, we exchanged phone #'s and as soon as we got back on the service road my phone rings. I guess he was checking to see if I gave him my real phone #. I'm supposed to call him tomorrow when I wake up.

He looks like he is a big man, probably tall, and was wearing a very nice dress shirt, tie, and some pretty cuff links. Business man obviously. His appearance is my type. We'll see if the personality is too.

So, I've been in a great mood. Lovely weekend, had loads of fun and then start the week by getting a date on the Highway! What is next?

Footnote: I told my Mom "Some guy is flirting with me on the Highway. Oh my gosh, he wants me to pull over!"
Mom: "Don't you dare. You keep going. He could be crazy and cut your head off."
Me: "Of course I wouldn't stop. Do you think I'm crazy?"
Mom: "I mean it. You keep going young lady."
Me: "Oops, got another call. Let me call you back in a minute."
The rest is history.................

Doctors and Lawyers and Judges...Oh My!

I can't tell you how different my life is since I moved out. It's almost the polar opposite. When I was with the ex all we did was go to rodeo's or trail rides, never anywhere you couldn't take a horse with you. Occassionally he would take me to dinner and a movie but it was rare, very rare. The people that attended these events were uneducated for the most part, live very simple lives, don't read or go to movies, theater, or travel. Boring. It was very hard for me to enjoy myself as those I connected with were few and far between.

Last night I went to a party with Kim and Kelly. It was at one of their friends homes, Roberto, who is a lawyer. There were other lawyer's there, also judges who are running for local benches, and doctors. The crowd was very diverse; Plano (Carmel like for you Hoosier's) housewives, gay's and straights. I talked with a gay man who was just adorable. I complimented him on his beautiful hair and he proceeded to tell me about his life; his coming out to his devoutely Christian parents who still won't talk to him many years later, how he had helped other people that were his same faith; Jehovah Witness deal with their own homosexuality, and how happy he is now. He has beautiful eyes, very soulful and the kind of eyes that let you see into his soul. He is a great person. I never would have met someone like him in my former life.

Kim and I were getting drunk, apparently I've been healed of my alcohol allergy PRAISE THE LORD!!! Anyway, we saw these 2 georgeous black men in the corner of the kitchen and Kim commented on how nice looking they were and I said "Yes, they are some beautiful men!!!" and we all know I love me some black men! Kim replied "Let's go tell them!" and we did! We ended up talking to them for hours. Their names are Cordell and Stan. They are great. Cordell is a riot. He had on a great shirt, he called it his "Dating Game" shirt because it looked like the set of the Dating Game with the big 60's style flowers. We danced to a Latin song and laughed. He said Stan just lost his job and I told him we are hiring Exec's at my job all the time. Cordell said Stan would be interested and gave me his business card so I could email him. I looked at the card and saw that Cordell is a Doctor, not just a Doctor, but a Surgeon. I'd been dancing, laughing, talking with a Doctor like it was no big deal. Had I known he was a Doctor I never would have been myself. Kim had taught me that they are people and crap just like the rest of us, to quote her. She is right. She is comfortable rubbing elbows with millionairs as she is with the average joe.

I emailed Cordell today about the job for Stan and this was his reply:

Something told me that you would jump on this today, and you know I was hoping you would. You are an incredible person, and it is your spirit that sets you way up there (in my opinion), which was easily detected. Thanks for being genuine with this.

Wow, is that not a great reply. I'm just trying to help his friend get a job, and haven't told him yet that I will get a $1000 bonus if Stan gets hired so I'm far from Mother Teresa. But this is just one more confirmation that I'm making the right changes and being the person I want to be!

I'm learning a lot. I'm expanding my cirlce. I'm meeting some wonderful people. I'm moving in a completely different circle than I ever have before. I feel comfortable too which is the most amazing part of it all. I've finally stepped into the life I've longed for for so long. One of my best friends called me today and I told him all about it. He told me that I am an attractive woman and very desirable. He said that there are men out there that also run in these circles who will see all I have to offer and that I don't have to settle for ghetto ass idiots ever again. I know that he is right. I am loving my life right now. A part of me is going to miss Texas now that I'm getting this new wonderful life. I'll miss my friend David, Kim and Kelly the most. They have been there for me like no one else through this transition in my life. Kelly said that she and Kim were talking about how happy I seem now. I am. I know I'll have my family in Indy, my precious granddaughters and that's the #1 priority in my life. I'll have to make new friends when I get up there and expand my circle some more. I know how to do it now. I refuse to settle for less.

Life has too much to offer to not go out and grab all you can get. No one has to settle for crumbs....unless they want to.

Cell Phones

If you have a cell phone, and unless you are 2 weeks-old or just landed on this planet, you probably do, take a minute and write down every phone # in it. I dropped mine yesterday on the ceramic tile in the kitchen and the ceramic tile won. My phone is now in 2 pieces. I can use it with the speaker phone function only; the display part is gone and so are all my phone #'s with it. I have no idea what anyone's phone # is. I kept thinking I would write them down somewhere and never did. I have a ghetto phone now. Imagine having only 1/2 a working phone! How embarassing is that! It will still call 911 so that's all I need for now.

So, until I get a new phone I'm screwed. I went to Nextel yesterday and the cheapo model is $50. I can get a nice one if I am willing to wait for the $150 rebate to kick in so I chose to wait until payday, just 8 more days, and get a nice one. Nextel can download all my info from the old phone into the new one so I'll have the #'s again.....in 8 days! I'll acutally have a camera phone now so can take pics of my sweet grandbabies and have their faces pop up when their parents call me. Cool!

My next stop will be Target to get a new address/phone book! Lessons learned!

Side bar note: There is a guy who works for me that loves him some Lora. I had my hair cut, highlighted and colored over the weekend. Came out pretty red which is not what I wanted. I said lighter, meaning from dark brown to light brown, and she went red. Anyway, the conversation with him goes like this:

Anthony :"I really like your hair.
Lora: "I didn't want red. I said 'lighter' not red.
Anthony: "Oh, no! I almost went to speaking in tongues when you walked into Start-Up meeting today."
Lora: "Really? I don't really like the red."
Anthony: "Mmmmm Hmmmmm, oh yeah, the red looks good, real good."
Lora: (laughing) "You're good for my ego, Anthony."

He is my biggest fan. The poor guy has a wife who doesn't appreciate him. She is nuts. She cut up his badge when she thought he didn't come to work because HR screwed up his paycheck and shorted him a day's pay. She calls with "emergencies" all the time, at least every other week, but he is a good Christian man and won't leave her. I don't want him to leave her, not for me anyway, as I would NEVER want a relationship with any of the hourly employees at work. But he is good for my ego and he says he loves working for me. So we're both happy.

I'm Coming Home

I bought Lionel Richie's newest CD last week and there is a song on it that describes my life perfectly. I've been through so many changes and have wanted to go home for so long. I never should have left in the first place. But I've taken this time away to learn about who I am and how to be a better mother, sister, daughter, Aunt, Grandmother, and person. I'm coming back as whole as I can be, and we all know that when you are whole, you have a whole lot more to give. I can be all I am supposed to be now. I can offer the guidance and support my family needs from me because I have a well to draw from. I've learned so much about life and living. I know that my family is the most important thing in my life. I love each and every one of them, just as they are, with all my heart. Houses, cars, material things don't matter; what matters is family. Family is what goes on forever, when we are gone it's our family that carries us on with them. They keep up alive in their hearts, in their memories of us, in our belongings that they cherish. I can't wait to be home with my family. In just a few more months I'm coming home.

As I was tooling down the road this song came on the CD player and it was so life affirming for me. From Lionel Richie of all people! Who'd have thunk it! Here are the words to "my song":

I'm Coming Home

Looking back
I can see the things I should have done, could have done
I see so much of my life I let go by
But when you're young all you know how to do is run

Life can play tricks sometimes you know
You think you've got everything when you've got nothing at all
The only way you know where you're going
Sometimes you gotta take a fall, you gotta lose it all

I've been thru love
I'm coming home
I've been thru some pain I know
I'm coming home
Changes in my life
I'm coming home
Now I know what's meaningful

Looking back
I hear my family calling me
All my friends and loves, I passed them by
They wanted me to stay, but I was on a journey

I got so many faces, there are so many stories I know
When I open my eyes, I have to realize
There's only one place to go and this time I'm sure

I've been thru love
I'm coming home
I've been thru some pain I know
I'm coming home
Changes in my life
I'm coming home
Now I know what's meaningful
I'm coming home

For all the things that I've been thru
There's only one thing left to do
This time I'm going to get it right

(Repeat Chorus)

Now I understand what's meaningful

I'm coming home
So much love
I'm coming home
Pain I know
I'm coming home
I've had some changes in my life
Now I know what's meaningful
What's beautiful
I'm coming home

Smack Down

You know it seems that when you reach that moment of happiness something inevitably comes along and knocks you back down to the pits again....kind of like a WWF smack down. I don't understand why it is that the people in this life who suck the life out of everyone around thrive, when those who give freely of themselves; emotionally, spiritually, and financially, end up drained of their very will to live at times.

I have a friend who is also going through a divorce and their soon-to-be-ex-spouse is sitting on their ass doing nothing except keeping their hand out asking for more and more and most likely they will get it. Same thing in my situation. I've given my soon-to-be-ex everything; the house that I kept in like new condition by cleaning it all by myself these past 8 years, his $30K truck, all 4 horses, the flatbed trailer, all the furniture that I PAID for, the $3,000 lawn tractor that I PAID for, and practically everything in the house and yet he wants more. He wants me to pay to get the land in his name and then he'll have about $60K equity when it's all said and done. What do I get? A dresser and chest that I brought into the marriage that belonged to my son since he was 2 years old. A cedar chest that belonged to my Grandmother, and a curio cabinet that I paid for. Oh, and a chair my Mother reupholstered for me and some miscellaneous stuff. I basically am starting over. Yet I am not the one who cheated, who treated him like shit for 12 1/2 years, who never had his back, who never put him first, EVER. Yet, I am getting the smack down. WHY? I guess that's the $60,000 question.

I did get Harley. He's the best thing out of that marriage! I have let him start sleeping with me and the last 3 nights he has gotten up in the bed and I spread his towel out as I can't stand dog hair in the bed. He sits on the towel and has a pleading look on his face and then slowly, one leg at a time creeps over and curls up against me. It's the cutest thing ever! I've been covering him up and going to sleep with my hand on him. He stays right next to me the entire night. It's like he knows my heart is heavy and is saying "It's OK, Mama. I love you." He is my Boo! Dogs have an amazing capacity to love unconditionally and yet want so little in return.

So, for a quick minute I was really happy. Things were great. Life was good. Now I'm back down to reality. The happiness I had for a minute has been snatched from me. I've been robbed of a wonderful thing by something my ex did. He is going on and for the rest of my life I have to deal with something that I can never, ever escape. It will cloud everything and has robbed me of my freedom in many ways. He won't care and will be as stupid with the next victims in his life as he was with me. I pity him. I pity the poor woman who is so lacking is self-worth that she will put up with his shit while he manipulates the hell out of her ass to get what he wants....and he will get what he wants; he always does.

It's people like him that take a person like me, and my friend, and turn us into bitter people. But we are both good people and will not let that happen. I can never be heartless, I can't be mean, I can't be selfish. I want to love again, I want to give 100% of myself to my next relationship. I can't let my ex continue to rob me, and if I don't give 100% to my next relationship then I will have let him continue to control my life. I am better than that. I look at a picture of me that was taken when I was about 5. I carry it in my Daytimer and when life is hard I look at that sweet little face with those deep brown eyes and that innocent little smile and I say "I'm going to take care of you, girl." Because if I don't then no one else will. I owe it to her. I owe it to her to not let the bad people win.

Life is Good!!

I'm really starting to settle into my new single life and it's pretty darn good! My list of responsibilities has reduced considerably. I have 1/3rd the laundry, you'd think it would be 1/2 but it's not! No complaining here! I have 1/10th the dishes because I don't cook; back to my Wine Cooler and Wheat Thin's dinner pattern, however due to my alcohol allergy I am now drinking Ace's Perry Cider instead of the wine cooler. I must admit that Kim and Kelly do cook and always share with me. Man, do they ever cook good stuff too; last night Kelly made "California Chicken", it was a chicken breast sauteed in some spices, covered with a slice of Swiss cheese and fresh avocado slices, and a salad with feta cheese, olives, wasabi peas, sun dried tomatoes, and croutons. DELICIOUS!! They eat like that all the time. The night before it was grilled red fish and oven roasted zucchini with fresh garlic and shredded Parmesan. See what I mean! They spend most of their time at Kelly's house so I don't really see them more than 2 days out of the week anyway. Kim and I are having a maid come in on the weekends now so I won't have to clean anymore either! SWEET! I've never had a maid before! Now you know why I've titled this post "Life is Good!!" cause......IT IS!!!!!!!!

I've already started shopping online for things for my new house, so my eyes are set on the future. It will be at least a year from now before I start shopping for a house but I want to know in advance what I want for it and will know what to save and what to expect rather than walk into it blind. I have my eye on the kind of washer and dryer I want, I've already picked out my new flatware and dishes at Crate and barrel. I have the bedroom suite waiting at Ashley Furniture, the comforter set is also at Crate and Barrel. I've been a busy girl! All this stuff and I haven't spent a dime.

I think the most, no, I know the most, important change I've made is in myself. I may not know everything I want from my next relationship but I do know what I don't want. That in itself is a major discovery. It took me a long time to get to this point in life but I really like who I am and know what I want. It will be a long time before I am ready for another relationship because I have too much I want to do first. I want my Master's degree, that is of the utmost importance to me. I want to write that book I've been talking about my entire life. And I want to own my own house. Then I'll have time for Mr. Right. I want to be a on my own for a while. I'm not afraid to be single and am going to enjoy every moment of it. Not saying I won't date every now and then but I'm not up for anything serious or heavy for a long, long time.

I'm so happy right now that my feet are barely touching the ground! Reminds me of a cartoon my sister gave me once. It had a drawing of two women talking and the caption reads: "I just lost 175 pounds of useless flab." The other woman says "Did you go on a diet?" and the first woman says "No, I got a divorce."

One more divorce joke:

A perfect greeting card for your ex: front of card would say: "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...". Then you open the card and it says: "that you're not here to ruin it for me."

I am 47% white

I took a test to tell how "White" I am! Here are my results. There is a link at the bottom of the page if you want to take it too! See why I like black men, I'm less than 1/2 white! :)

Middle Man You are 47% White

Ok so you did pretty good on the test. Your score says you appreciate different cultures, but you cant hide your true self. Just like the pic, you roll with the cool crowd, but you still go home to your mommy and eat macaroni and cheese.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on whiteness

Link: The How White Are You Test written by alleyandbrandon on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Update on Mom

Mom is still in the hospital and may get to go home tomorrow. Turns out it was the change of BP medicine that caused her BP to shoot through the roof and the subsequent lack of oxygen to her brain. She sounds OK on the phone but Robin says she is getting tired very easily, just a shower wore her out.

She must be feeling better as she was thinking about fixing me up with her doctor. He is 6'3", impeccably dressed, no wedding ring, and African-American. She knows I love me some black men, and a DOCTOR too! I told her to send Robin back to the house to get a really good picture of me she keeps in her office and be sure to tell him I've dropped 100 pounds since it was taken! Mom is a riot!

Robin will be staying with her as long as necessary. I'll be going up in a few weeks to spend a few days with her. Don't know if Kim is planning on spending any time with her or not. I hope she will be OK and not have any lasting repercussions from this.

My Uncle Ronnie has done terrific and will get to go home early next week. He had a quadruple bypass but was in good overall health to start so is making an extraordinarily fast recovery.

This is a picture of Mom and Uncle Ronnie's wife, Aunt Becky.

Cats & Dogs

OK, another boring self-discovery story for you! I feel like an Amway distributor that just got started and is trying to tell everyone she knows about this fantastic new household cleaner that your life is not complete without. 'OK, you love it but the rest of us are bored out of our minds. So, shut up already!' I am FINALLY figuring out who I am and it's pretty darn cool to go through such a period of growth admist all the turmoil and chaos in my life.

A friend asked me what is more dangerous, a pit bull or a house cat? I chose the pit bull because they are known to attack and kill people all the time. Wrong answer. He says that it's the cat. Why you may ask? Think about it. You can stop a dog, once you grab one of his legs and hold him up he's done. Try that with a cat and you'll look like you were put in a paper shredder. Dogs are easier to fend off. They have more ways to be stopped and then are rendered harmless. Where cats are intelligent and don't get too upset over things but when they attack you know you've been attacked. The dog will come at the cat, barking, snarling, growling and the cat runs up in a tree and looks at the dog "Stupid dog!", and takes a nap until the dog wears itself out and goes on.

I am the cat and my ex is the dog. He is all bark. He is snarling, and growling. He has no idea who he is dealing with. I can take him down with one swipe and he's too busy making noise to realize it. He is truly a dog, he ran around sniffing bitches asses and peeing on stuff to mark his territory because he could. I sat in the tree and watched and when I had enough I took my shit and left. Now he's licking his wounds and I'm safe and sound and have a great future.

My friend also told me something that makes a lot of sense. He said "Don't stress the small shit..it only stinks but it won't kill you. Instead worry about the elements that surround you that can take your life. Once you look at it that way you don't get so fucked up in the head about the small shit and it becomes less taxing." Profound, simple yet profound. I have been stressing over my ex well guess what? The enlightened cat doesn't care anymore. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He made the decision he made on his own. So I made mine based on the need for self-preservation. No, actually for self-growth and to let my spirit soar to new heights. I want so much out of life and I'm the only one who has been holding me back.

Today is my oldest son's 28th birthday. I called him to wish him a 'Happy Birthday' and he asked about his grandma and then said he's been so focused on her that he has forgotten to ask how I am doing. He said "I am afraid that you are to the point where you will start feeling sorry for him and think that maybe he really didn't cheat on you. You'll think 'I didn't catch him in the act so maybe he didn't.' and I don't want you to do that. Your marriage has always been so one sided. He has always done what he wanted with no regard for you. I don't want you to go back to him, Mom." I promised him I am not going back. To hear him say those things to me was so heart warming. He is such a good son and I am so blessed to have him.

I am really beginning to experience true joy that comes from being free. I am free to go where I want, do what I want, and say what I want. I will NEVER be under the thumb of another man again. Kimberly said something to me Friday morning that was very profound. She said "Lora, God didn't give you the intelligence He did (she says I'm the most intelligent person she's ever known~I told her to increase her circle) without having a greater purpose for your life. He has something big in store for you. Satan knows it and that's why he started messing with you so early in your life (I was molested by my biological father from the age of 2 or 3 until I was 10). He keeps throwing these distractions at you to keep you from being all you can be and you let him get away with it. Stop focusing on the shit in the middle of the floor and look at the big picture."

So, you can see that I have some very insightful people on 'Team Lora'. Great friends who are here to support me every step of the way. Helping me be all I can be, helping me see that I am the one who's had ahold of the reins. It's time for me to drop the reins and soar! I look at the people who are my friends and I am so impressed by their caliber. They are so intelligent and are geniunely great people with hearts of gold. I used to feel like I was an imposter who just happened to slip into this elite group. Now I know that I belong with them because like attracts like.

Life is good!

Sweet Mama Sita

My Mom may have had a stroke this morning. She is in the hospital right now. They ran an EKG and a CAT scan and both came back normal so that is good. She said she kept dropping things this morning like the toothpaste and then the phone. Then her foot went numb and then her face. She had a stroke at the age of 36 and these were the same symptoms. Her only sibling, her brother Ron, is scheduled to undergo a heart bypass operation tomorrow. So that combined with my mess was more than she can take. Her cruise was NOT relaxing and I think the stress buildup was more than she can handle. She called my sister, Kim, and told her how much she loved her and how proud she is of her last week. It was a call out of the blue and set off some bells and whistles for Kim anyway. So that has us pretty scared. People do things like that right before my leave this life. If I lost my mother I would be lost. I talk to her everyday, some times twice a day. She is my soft place to fall. I started calling her Mama Sita when I was in high school and it stuck. We all call her that now. I was at a friends house and she had a Christmas album playing and it had a Spanish song that went "Mama Sita where is Santa Clause, oh where is Santa Clause? It's Christmas Eve." So I went home singing it and began to call her Mama Sita. She is a sweet mother. She's always been there for us, she has her moments, but for the most part you couldn't ask for a better mother. I adore her and lean on her and always have. If she has some effects from this then it will be her turn to lean on me and I'll be there for her; every minute of every day because she is my Sweet Mama Sita.

I talked to my sister a little while ago and Mom is in the clear. They changed her blood pressure medicine and that could be what caused this. They are going to let her go home tomorrow. My little sister is flying in to stay with Mom and keep an eye on her for a while. This is some scary stuff. We already lost our Dad and it's too soon to lose our Mom. Please pray for her.

The Truth

Written: Thu, June 14, 2006 11:57 PM

Sometimes in life someone will tell you the truth. The old saying “the truth hurts” is true. But a true friend will tell you the truth at the risk of hurting your feelings if they feel that the outcome will make you a better person. Last night a true friend told me the truth.

In a nutshell he told me to develop some balls and get some self-esteem. He started the conversation with “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.” He went on to tell me that I am afraid of standing up to my husband and this divorce issue because I lack self-confidence and there is no reason I don’t have it. He said I am a “beautiful, intelligent woman, with a good heart.” That I have a lot going for me and I need to realize that and tell David how it’s going to be and take control of my life and gain my freedom. It took everything in me to fight the tears as he spoke because I had mixed emotions going on. #1 I knew he was right, and #2 I was mad that someone saw my weakness and was calling me out on it. I can’t stand to be seen as weak in any area. The truth hurts.

He went on to tell me that God gives us opportunities and if we continue to ignore them that He will eventually pull the opportunity away. We pray for His help and need to take it when He offers. I felt like an idiot; an idiot that had just had a light bulb moment!

I could barely sleep last night as I had thoughts racing through my mind every time I woke up. I called my Mom first thing this morning and shared this with her and her first comment was “Where is this young man? I want to hug him. Finally, someone besides your family told you the truth!!!” It’s been an emotional day for me because I have realized that I am a damn good woman and I don’t have to settle for any crap from anyone. I do know exactly what I want and it’s not this marriage. I talked to my husband today and told him that I am going to file in 2 more weeks. We’re going to pay the land taxes on Monday and then have a meeting on working out the details of the divorce. I have earned this freedom. I’m going to enjoy this freedom. I’m going to start living this freedom immediately. It’s been a wonderful day!

God puts people in our lives for a reason. I know I’ll always hold this man in a special place in my heart because he was strong enough and cared enough to tell me the truth. I was in the place I was last night so I could hear this message. God chose this man to give it to me and I’ll never forget that moment when the light’s came on.

Life is good and I’m going to enjoy every moment and be happy!

Broken Heart

I have tried and tried but can't get over the fact that my husband went to see those strippers. I guess it's because I've lost 130 pounds but I'm still not enough for him that he had to go look at other women. He accidentally recorded a conversation with his daughter about my weight before I had the weight loss surgery and it was pretty ugly. So I lost the weight and then this happens. I feel like I'm not enough for him and that all my hard work was not good enough.

He is not into porn; not magazines, not videos, or titty bars. I guess that's why this has affected me like it has. I don't do it for him and I guess I never will. I know I posted that I still love him a few months ago and I guess in many ways I do but I'm tired of being hurt and neglected. Love is not enough. And it has to go both ways. My love for him is dying.


You know what the next step is and so do I.

Best Christmas Present Ever

I got the best Christmas present ever from my oldest sister this year. She took a black and white picture that was taken at Olan Mills when we were 2 & 4 years-old and blew it up and framed it. When I opened it up I just busted out crying. I saw two little girls who were best friends then and who are still best friends today. It represents the constant presense she has been in my life. And how no matter what has happened that she has been there, right beside me, just like in the picture, since the very first breath I took. She has never judged me or turned her back on me. No one knows me or understands me or has been there for me more than her. I can't explain what she means to me with just words. She is my rock! She makes me laugh and cry and will go to the ends of the earth for me and I'd do it for her too.

It may seem like a simple gift but the thoughtfulness of it blew me away. It is so precious and I'll cherish it everytime I look at it and thank God for giving me such a beautiful sister! Our relationship is what sisterhood is all about. I would wish everyone could have a sibling relationship like ours if I had a wish to grant.

I love you, Kim! I thank God for allowing me to be your sister and your best friend too.

6th Anniversary

Who would have thought I'd be happily married after 6 years. I was miserable after 2 years with my first husband. It's been almost 12 years since I met David and I still get excited when I know he's coming home from work, or when I pull in the drive after a long day and see him out by the barn! The feel of his arms around me makes me weak in the knees. I never knew true love before and am sure glad I found it while I was still young enough to enjoy it but old enough to know what it was.

It's not been an easy 6 years. He does unbelievably stupid things ( see the Grandma Again" post) sometimes but in the end I know that he truly loves me. I know I'm not perfect either so I forgive him just as I want him to forgive me. He is my port in the storm, my soft place to fall, my best friend, my lover, and my husband all rolled into one. We fight battles together. We laugh together. We cry together. We stay together.

So Happy 6th Anniversary, Herb! I love you more than my luggage. From your Peaches :)

Grandma Again!

Great news! I'm going to be a Grandma again in July! Matt and Tammy are expecting baby #2 or would it be #4?? in July. Mary will be 2 years-old so it will be perfect timing for them to be close as they grow up together. My oldest sister and I are 2 years apart and she is my #1 best friend and will always be! I hope it's another girl, although Matt wants a boy...go figure.

The rest of my life is plugging along. My husband is being a pain lately. He decided it was a good idea to go to a bachelor Party and watch 10 completely naked women dance while Isaiah sat in the truck for 2 hours. Can we say "selfish" or "bad idea" or "lousy Grandfather"????? Cranial-rectal inversion took over that day! I asked him if he died today where would he go and he replied "probably hell" so I shared the plan of salvation out of the book of Roman's with him. He didn't make any changes that day but I'm praying for him. I know the Devil wants to keep him but God wants him more and we know who will win. The Bible says the "unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife" (and vice versa) so I am praying very hard for his salvation. I have faith I will win this one despite Satan's attacks because the Bible also says "He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world." So the devil can bring it on...I have staying power to win this fight! At church on Sunday, this man who I never met before was playing the piano and spoke to me from the platform. He said "Sister in the tan jacket, I have a word from God for you. God knows your pain and He wants you to know that He has not forgotten you. He will fulfill His prophecy to you. Do you know what I'm talking about?" I nodded my head and proceeded to cry like a baby. So I know, that I know, that David will become a Christian and leave his drinking and bad ways behind him. If you believe too than please, please join me in prayer. It's going to take an Army of Christian soldiers to tear him away from the Devil but we can do it with God's help.

OK, on to other things. I get to go see my family in Indy on Dec 10-14th and can't wait! 5 days of spoiling Mary! Woo hoo!

The job is going well! I passed my 90 days so I guess I get to stay! YEAH!!!!

Time to go home now, I have a conference call for a committee meeting so need to go home to make the call. Beats driving all the way into work to attend the meeting in person!

West Nile and Blessings

A lot has happened since my last post. I still don't have a home phone so must go to the local library to access the internet. No problem though!

Our colt, Liberty, has gotten and almost recovered from West Nile. She is our miracle horse as the vet said he would have put her down. I didn't know it at the time but David was giving her one more day and then was going to end her suffering. But he went out to check on her and she was standing up in her stall after being down for almost a week. She couldn't walk for 6 days, had ground her teeth so bad that her mouth was bleeding and was so cut up from rolling around on the ground trying to stand up! But she is well on her way back. She had a bad hematoma from where we had to rig up some girt's and suspened her from the bucket on the tractor to move her back to the stall when she couldn't walk. The vet lanced it and subsquently we've given her penicillian shots and I've had to irrigate the wound and clean it out daily. We've also given her extra vitamins everyday and pampered her! She follows me around now like a dog when I go out to the pasture. She will be our baby forever and we'll never sell her to anyone! Not after all this. I think God healed her. I prayed over her everyday and left my tears running down her cheeks as I sobbed over her. It was so sad to see her just laying there suffering as she was. But God answered my prayers and raised her up! I've considered changing her name to Lazarus. She is a fighter and will be spoiled rotten the rest of her life!

Isaiah is coming along. He is "sick" today. I don't think he is a sick and he claims. He LOVES being sick as it was one of the many ways he'd get attention from his mother. We aren't playing into it and he has had to stay in his bed all day. If he's not sick he'll not pull this stunt again anytime soon! Nothing worse than laying in bed all day when you're not sick. I played sick when I was about 8 and my Mom made me stay in bed all day and I didn't try that one again! No fun!

Had a birthday party for David and his brother Walter this weekend. It was a last minute thing but it was so much fun. We just played music and had some friends over. Broke out the cards played Spades too. It was a blast!

I've certainly been blessed in the last few months. I have a fantastic job, my colt is recovering from West Nile, my son had an accident on a dirt bike and spent the night in the hospital but is fine now, and we are getting caught up on our bills. God has been working overtime in my life! I am truly blessed!!!!!

No ETA on the home phone so I'll update again as I can.

Update on Life

Life is good! The new job is going well. They tried to kill me but I survived :) For 2 weeks I had to do "Team Member Training" which consisted of doing the work my direct reports will do. So the first week I loaded trailers with box after box after box in the Texas heat. It was the hardest work I have done in my life! Then the next week I slung box after box after box on to the conveyor system, uncloged jams on the lines, and stuck label after label to box after box. I felt like Lucy in the Chocolate Factory episode. I could barely keep up! But.....I now have the ultimate compassion and respect for the people who report to me. Mission accomplished! I still don't have my permanent schedule yet but hope to get the weekday shift, not the weekend or night shift. I have faith in God that He'll get me the best shift!

Things are hard with Isaiah. He seems so "unguided" and had no clue how to be a normal person. It's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be to have a child again but David and I are working on this together and are both putting 110% into this child. It's a delicate balance to introduce discipline into his life without making him feel like we are riding him every minute of the day. He's run into trouble at school with the kids making fun of his weight and calling him "gay". He is not very "boyish" and acts goofy so I can see why they pick on him. I asked him what color he wanted to paint his room and he replied "eggshell" so I am kinda worried about the "gay" thing! LOL But we are taking it one day at a time. I applaud all grandparents who are forced to take in their grandchildren to raise. It's not easy! I thought I was done and could enjoy my middle age! WRONG! :) But, we are here for Isaiah for the long haul. He is ours and we won't turn our back on him!

I still don't have internet access at home or work (I'm at a friends house now) so don't know how long it will be until I can get on here again. Hopefully, this week we can take care of it and get it back on! Till then.....God bless and be with you!

Job!!!!!

Glory be to God on Highest.........I have a permanent job! I start at a major retailers distribution center (can't say the name on a public blog as I saw an article that people have been fired for such) and start on August 22nd! My starting pay is more than I left Verizon at. How cool is that! God delivered big time! What I learned through my many months of unemployment:

1) Matthew 6:25 is what life is ALL about! "

I emailed this to my Daily Verse email group last Thursday, Aug 4th:

This is the meaning of my life. All the problems of being unemployed or underemployed in my case, mean NOTHING compared to what is to come. I am
redirecting my focus to what is eternal for everything in this life is just for a moment. Money, bills, problems really don't mean anything. Like the country song says "I never saw a hearse with a luggage rack." So with or without the means to pay my bills I will praise my God and ALL He has done for me. I hope you can find the joy in your heart that ONLY comes from putting ALL your trust and faith in Him. It says in Matt 6:25 "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?". This is one of the hardest verses to live by because our nature causes us to worry about what we will eat and if we can pay the light bill so we don't have to sit in the dark. But that's not what is important, What matters is our life and that we live it to bring glory to God in all we do. It is my prayer to love Him in all I do, not just when I am on my knees in prayer! I want to love Him when someone cuts me off in traffic. I want to love Him when I get a bill I can't pay. I want to love Him when my life seems to be in the toilet. In His Love, Lora

2) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be in debt again! I am going to pay off my credit cards, my car, and work on the mortgage. I am going to be a cash only woman from here on out! I am also going to have 3 savings accounts; 1. retirement, 2. emergencies 3. rainy days! Struggling to pay the bills sucks!

I never in a million years dreamed it would take me thins long to find a job. I thought I'd graduate and start work within a month at the longest. Well guess what? That didn't even come close to happening! I will be prepared from here on out, as best I can be, so that if David or I are unemployed ever again we won't be desperate again. It is NOT fun to be on the brink of bankruptcy for months on end. It is a miracle we didn't lose everything we own. God kept us treading water all these months!

So I am a very happy girl right now! We can afford to keep Isaiah, we can keep our house, our vehicles, and get out of debt.

The icing on the cake is that there is another DC in Indianapolis and my company likes to transfer people.....so I could end up going home too!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job Status

Still no permanent job......but......I had an interview with a major retailers Distribution Center in Midlothian, TX last Wednesday. It was a "cattle call" type interview with lots of other potential employees there. It took 4 hours! Six other potential employees and I were taken on a tour of the DC and then we were interview individually. My first one was with 3 people, the second with 2 others, and the third with 2 more. I was the last one there from my original group. They had back-to-back groups all day. I hope that is a good sign as they were either interested in me or I talk too much! Saturday I received an email with a personality/intelligence test. My sister said I have both so maybe I did well. It took me 90 minutes to complete the test on the internet so hopefuly I did well.

I REEAALLLY want to be a teacher but I know that Moses REEAALLLY wanted to go to the Promised Land too and didn't make it. So I'll be patient and see what happens. If God wants me at the job I interviewed for for a while then that's where I will go! If He wants me to stay where I'm at now, then I'll do that too! I am not going to worry about money any more. Matthew 6:25 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Some of the hardest verses to live by but I am going to try!