Smack Down

You know it seems that when you reach that moment of happiness something inevitably comes along and knocks you back down to the pits again....kind of like a WWF smack down. I don't understand why it is that the people in this life who suck the life out of everyone around thrive, when those who give freely of themselves; emotionally, spiritually, and financially, end up drained of their very will to live at times.

I have a friend who is also going through a divorce and their soon-to-be-ex-spouse is sitting on their ass doing nothing except keeping their hand out asking for more and more and most likely they will get it. Same thing in my situation. I've given my soon-to-be-ex everything; the house that I kept in like new condition by cleaning it all by myself these past 8 years, his $30K truck, all 4 horses, the flatbed trailer, all the furniture that I PAID for, the $3,000 lawn tractor that I PAID for, and practically everything in the house and yet he wants more. He wants me to pay to get the land in his name and then he'll have about $60K equity when it's all said and done. What do I get? A dresser and chest that I brought into the marriage that belonged to my son since he was 2 years old. A cedar chest that belonged to my Grandmother, and a curio cabinet that I paid for. Oh, and a chair my Mother reupholstered for me and some miscellaneous stuff. I basically am starting over. Yet I am not the one who cheated, who treated him like shit for 12 1/2 years, who never had his back, who never put him first, EVER. Yet, I am getting the smack down. WHY? I guess that's the $60,000 question.

I did get Harley. He's the best thing out of that marriage! I have let him start sleeping with me and the last 3 nights he has gotten up in the bed and I spread his towel out as I can't stand dog hair in the bed. He sits on the towel and has a pleading look on his face and then slowly, one leg at a time creeps over and curls up against me. It's the cutest thing ever! I've been covering him up and going to sleep with my hand on him. He stays right next to me the entire night. It's like he knows my heart is heavy and is saying "It's OK, Mama. I love you." He is my Boo! Dogs have an amazing capacity to love unconditionally and yet want so little in return.

So, for a quick minute I was really happy. Things were great. Life was good. Now I'm back down to reality. The happiness I had for a minute has been snatched from me. I've been robbed of a wonderful thing by something my ex did. He is going on and for the rest of my life I have to deal with something that I can never, ever escape. It will cloud everything and has robbed me of my freedom in many ways. He won't care and will be as stupid with the next victims in his life as he was with me. I pity him. I pity the poor woman who is so lacking is self-worth that she will put up with his shit while he manipulates the hell out of her ass to get what he wants....and he will get what he wants; he always does.

It's people like him that take a person like me, and my friend, and turn us into bitter people. But we are both good people and will not let that happen. I can never be heartless, I can't be mean, I can't be selfish. I want to love again, I want to give 100% of myself to my next relationship. I can't let my ex continue to rob me, and if I don't give 100% to my next relationship then I will have let him continue to control my life. I am better than that. I look at a picture of me that was taken when I was about 5. I carry it in my Daytimer and when life is hard I look at that sweet little face with those deep brown eyes and that innocent little smile and I say "I'm going to take care of you, girl." Because if I don't then no one else will. I owe it to her. I owe it to her to not let the bad people win.