I am 47% white

I took a test to tell how "White" I am! Here are my results. There is a link at the bottom of the page if you want to take it too! See why I like black men, I'm less than 1/2 white! :)

Middle Man You are 47% White

Ok so you did pretty good on the test. Your score says you appreciate different cultures, but you cant hide your true self. Just like the pic, you roll with the cool crowd, but you still go home to your mommy and eat macaroni and cheese.

My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on whiteness

Link: The How White Are You Test written by alleyandbrandon on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Update on Mom

Mom is still in the hospital and may get to go home tomorrow. Turns out it was the change of BP medicine that caused her BP to shoot through the roof and the subsequent lack of oxygen to her brain. She sounds OK on the phone but Robin says she is getting tired very easily, just a shower wore her out.

She must be feeling better as she was thinking about fixing me up with her doctor. He is 6'3", impeccably dressed, no wedding ring, and African-American. She knows I love me some black men, and a DOCTOR too! I told her to send Robin back to the house to get a really good picture of me she keeps in her office and be sure to tell him I've dropped 100 pounds since it was taken! Mom is a riot!

Robin will be staying with her as long as necessary. I'll be going up in a few weeks to spend a few days with her. Don't know if Kim is planning on spending any time with her or not. I hope she will be OK and not have any lasting repercussions from this.

My Uncle Ronnie has done terrific and will get to go home early next week. He had a quadruple bypass but was in good overall health to start so is making an extraordinarily fast recovery.

This is a picture of Mom and Uncle Ronnie's wife, Aunt Becky.

Cats & Dogs

OK, another boring self-discovery story for you! I feel like an Amway distributor that just got started and is trying to tell everyone she knows about this fantastic new household cleaner that your life is not complete without. 'OK, you love it but the rest of us are bored out of our minds. So, shut up already!' I am FINALLY figuring out who I am and it's pretty darn cool to go through such a period of growth admist all the turmoil and chaos in my life.

A friend asked me what is more dangerous, a pit bull or a house cat? I chose the pit bull because they are known to attack and kill people all the time. Wrong answer. He says that it's the cat. Why you may ask? Think about it. You can stop a dog, once you grab one of his legs and hold him up he's done. Try that with a cat and you'll look like you were put in a paper shredder. Dogs are easier to fend off. They have more ways to be stopped and then are rendered harmless. Where cats are intelligent and don't get too upset over things but when they attack you know you've been attacked. The dog will come at the cat, barking, snarling, growling and the cat runs up in a tree and looks at the dog "Stupid dog!", and takes a nap until the dog wears itself out and goes on.

I am the cat and my ex is the dog. He is all bark. He is snarling, and growling. He has no idea who he is dealing with. I can take him down with one swipe and he's too busy making noise to realize it. He is truly a dog, he ran around sniffing bitches asses and peeing on stuff to mark his territory because he could. I sat in the tree and watched and when I had enough I took my shit and left. Now he's licking his wounds and I'm safe and sound and have a great future.

My friend also told me something that makes a lot of sense. He said "Don't stress the small shit..it only stinks but it won't kill you. Instead worry about the elements that surround you that can take your life. Once you look at it that way you don't get so fucked up in the head about the small shit and it becomes less taxing." Profound, simple yet profound. I have been stressing over my ex well guess what? The enlightened cat doesn't care anymore. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He made the decision he made on his own. So I made mine based on the need for self-preservation. No, actually for self-growth and to let my spirit soar to new heights. I want so much out of life and I'm the only one who has been holding me back.

Today is my oldest son's 28th birthday. I called him to wish him a 'Happy Birthday' and he asked about his grandma and then said he's been so focused on her that he has forgotten to ask how I am doing. He said "I am afraid that you are to the point where you will start feeling sorry for him and think that maybe he really didn't cheat on you. You'll think 'I didn't catch him in the act so maybe he didn't.' and I don't want you to do that. Your marriage has always been so one sided. He has always done what he wanted with no regard for you. I don't want you to go back to him, Mom." I promised him I am not going back. To hear him say those things to me was so heart warming. He is such a good son and I am so blessed to have him.

I am really beginning to experience true joy that comes from being free. I am free to go where I want, do what I want, and say what I want. I will NEVER be under the thumb of another man again. Kimberly said something to me Friday morning that was very profound. She said "Lora, God didn't give you the intelligence He did (she says I'm the most intelligent person she's ever known~I told her to increase her circle) without having a greater purpose for your life. He has something big in store for you. Satan knows it and that's why he started messing with you so early in your life (I was molested by my biological father from the age of 2 or 3 until I was 10). He keeps throwing these distractions at you to keep you from being all you can be and you let him get away with it. Stop focusing on the shit in the middle of the floor and look at the big picture."

So, you can see that I have some very insightful people on 'Team Lora'. Great friends who are here to support me every step of the way. Helping me be all I can be, helping me see that I am the one who's had ahold of the reins. It's time for me to drop the reins and soar! I look at the people who are my friends and I am so impressed by their caliber. They are so intelligent and are geniunely great people with hearts of gold. I used to feel like I was an imposter who just happened to slip into this elite group. Now I know that I belong with them because like attracts like.

Life is good!

Sweet Mama Sita

My Mom may have had a stroke this morning. She is in the hospital right now. They ran an EKG and a CAT scan and both came back normal so that is good. She said she kept dropping things this morning like the toothpaste and then the phone. Then her foot went numb and then her face. She had a stroke at the age of 36 and these were the same symptoms. Her only sibling, her brother Ron, is scheduled to undergo a heart bypass operation tomorrow. So that combined with my mess was more than she can take. Her cruise was NOT relaxing and I think the stress buildup was more than she can handle. She called my sister, Kim, and told her how much she loved her and how proud she is of her last week. It was a call out of the blue and set off some bells and whistles for Kim anyway. So that has us pretty scared. People do things like that right before my leave this life. If I lost my mother I would be lost. I talk to her everyday, some times twice a day. She is my soft place to fall. I started calling her Mama Sita when I was in high school and it stuck. We all call her that now. I was at a friends house and she had a Christmas album playing and it had a Spanish song that went "Mama Sita where is Santa Clause, oh where is Santa Clause? It's Christmas Eve." So I went home singing it and began to call her Mama Sita. She is a sweet mother. She's always been there for us, she has her moments, but for the most part you couldn't ask for a better mother. I adore her and lean on her and always have. If she has some effects from this then it will be her turn to lean on me and I'll be there for her; every minute of every day because she is my Sweet Mama Sita.

I talked to my sister a little while ago and Mom is in the clear. They changed her blood pressure medicine and that could be what caused this. They are going to let her go home tomorrow. My little sister is flying in to stay with Mom and keep an eye on her for a while. This is some scary stuff. We already lost our Dad and it's too soon to lose our Mom. Please pray for her.

The Truth

Written: Thu, June 14, 2006 11:57 PM

Sometimes in life someone will tell you the truth. The old saying “the truth hurts” is true. But a true friend will tell you the truth at the risk of hurting your feelings if they feel that the outcome will make you a better person. Last night a true friend told me the truth.

In a nutshell he told me to develop some balls and get some self-esteem. He started the conversation with “I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.” He went on to tell me that I am afraid of standing up to my husband and this divorce issue because I lack self-confidence and there is no reason I don’t have it. He said I am a “beautiful, intelligent woman, with a good heart.” That I have a lot going for me and I need to realize that and tell David how it’s going to be and take control of my life and gain my freedom. It took everything in me to fight the tears as he spoke because I had mixed emotions going on. #1 I knew he was right, and #2 I was mad that someone saw my weakness and was calling me out on it. I can’t stand to be seen as weak in any area. The truth hurts.

He went on to tell me that God gives us opportunities and if we continue to ignore them that He will eventually pull the opportunity away. We pray for His help and need to take it when He offers. I felt like an idiot; an idiot that had just had a light bulb moment!

I could barely sleep last night as I had thoughts racing through my mind every time I woke up. I called my Mom first thing this morning and shared this with her and her first comment was “Where is this young man? I want to hug him. Finally, someone besides your family told you the truth!!!” It’s been an emotional day for me because I have realized that I am a damn good woman and I don’t have to settle for any crap from anyone. I do know exactly what I want and it’s not this marriage. I talked to my husband today and told him that I am going to file in 2 more weeks. We’re going to pay the land taxes on Monday and then have a meeting on working out the details of the divorce. I have earned this freedom. I’m going to enjoy this freedom. I’m going to start living this freedom immediately. It’s been a wonderful day!

God puts people in our lives for a reason. I know I’ll always hold this man in a special place in my heart because he was strong enough and cared enough to tell me the truth. I was in the place I was last night so I could hear this message. God chose this man to give it to me and I’ll never forget that moment when the light’s came on.

Life is good and I’m going to enjoy every moment and be happy!

Broken Heart

I have tried and tried but can't get over the fact that my husband went to see those strippers. I guess it's because I've lost 130 pounds but I'm still not enough for him that he had to go look at other women. He accidentally recorded a conversation with his daughter about my weight before I had the weight loss surgery and it was pretty ugly. So I lost the weight and then this happens. I feel like I'm not enough for him and that all my hard work was not good enough.

He is not into porn; not magazines, not videos, or titty bars. I guess that's why this has affected me like it has. I don't do it for him and I guess I never will. I know I posted that I still love him a few months ago and I guess in many ways I do but I'm tired of being hurt and neglected. Love is not enough. And it has to go both ways. My love for him is dying.


You know what the next step is and so do I.

Best Christmas Present Ever

I got the best Christmas present ever from my oldest sister this year. She took a black and white picture that was taken at Olan Mills when we were 2 & 4 years-old and blew it up and framed it. When I opened it up I just busted out crying. I saw two little girls who were best friends then and who are still best friends today. It represents the constant presense she has been in my life. And how no matter what has happened that she has been there, right beside me, just like in the picture, since the very first breath I took. She has never judged me or turned her back on me. No one knows me or understands me or has been there for me more than her. I can't explain what she means to me with just words. She is my rock! She makes me laugh and cry and will go to the ends of the earth for me and I'd do it for her too.

It may seem like a simple gift but the thoughtfulness of it blew me away. It is so precious and I'll cherish it everytime I look at it and thank God for giving me such a beautiful sister! Our relationship is what sisterhood is all about. I would wish everyone could have a sibling relationship like ours if I had a wish to grant.

I love you, Kim! I thank God for allowing me to be your sister and your best friend too.

6th Anniversary

Who would have thought I'd be happily married after 6 years. I was miserable after 2 years with my first husband. It's been almost 12 years since I met David and I still get excited when I know he's coming home from work, or when I pull in the drive after a long day and see him out by the barn! The feel of his arms around me makes me weak in the knees. I never knew true love before and am sure glad I found it while I was still young enough to enjoy it but old enough to know what it was.

It's not been an easy 6 years. He does unbelievably stupid things ( see the Grandma Again" post) sometimes but in the end I know that he truly loves me. I know I'm not perfect either so I forgive him just as I want him to forgive me. He is my port in the storm, my soft place to fall, my best friend, my lover, and my husband all rolled into one. We fight battles together. We laugh together. We cry together. We stay together.

So Happy 6th Anniversary, Herb! I love you more than my luggage. From your Peaches :)

Grandma Again!

Great news! I'm going to be a Grandma again in July! Matt and Tammy are expecting baby #2 or would it be #4?? in July. Mary will be 2 years-old so it will be perfect timing for them to be close as they grow up together. My oldest sister and I are 2 years apart and she is my #1 best friend and will always be! I hope it's another girl, although Matt wants a boy...go figure.

The rest of my life is plugging along. My husband is being a pain lately. He decided it was a good idea to go to a bachelor Party and watch 10 completely naked women dance while Isaiah sat in the truck for 2 hours. Can we say "selfish" or "bad idea" or "lousy Grandfather"????? Cranial-rectal inversion took over that day! I asked him if he died today where would he go and he replied "probably hell" so I shared the plan of salvation out of the book of Roman's with him. He didn't make any changes that day but I'm praying for him. I know the Devil wants to keep him but God wants him more and we know who will win. The Bible says the "unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife" (and vice versa) so I am praying very hard for his salvation. I have faith I will win this one despite Satan's attacks because the Bible also says "He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world." So the devil can bring it on...I have staying power to win this fight! At church on Sunday, this man who I never met before was playing the piano and spoke to me from the platform. He said "Sister in the tan jacket, I have a word from God for you. God knows your pain and He wants you to know that He has not forgotten you. He will fulfill His prophecy to you. Do you know what I'm talking about?" I nodded my head and proceeded to cry like a baby. So I know, that I know, that David will become a Christian and leave his drinking and bad ways behind him. If you believe too than please, please join me in prayer. It's going to take an Army of Christian soldiers to tear him away from the Devil but we can do it with God's help.

OK, on to other things. I get to go see my family in Indy on Dec 10-14th and can't wait! 5 days of spoiling Mary! Woo hoo!

The job is going well! I passed my 90 days so I guess I get to stay! YEAH!!!!

Time to go home now, I have a conference call for a committee meeting so need to go home to make the call. Beats driving all the way into work to attend the meeting in person!

West Nile and Blessings

A lot has happened since my last post. I still don't have a home phone so must go to the local library to access the internet. No problem though!

Our colt, Liberty, has gotten and almost recovered from West Nile. She is our miracle horse as the vet said he would have put her down. I didn't know it at the time but David was giving her one more day and then was going to end her suffering. But he went out to check on her and she was standing up in her stall after being down for almost a week. She couldn't walk for 6 days, had ground her teeth so bad that her mouth was bleeding and was so cut up from rolling around on the ground trying to stand up! But she is well on her way back. She had a bad hematoma from where we had to rig up some girt's and suspened her from the bucket on the tractor to move her back to the stall when she couldn't walk. The vet lanced it and subsquently we've given her penicillian shots and I've had to irrigate the wound and clean it out daily. We've also given her extra vitamins everyday and pampered her! She follows me around now like a dog when I go out to the pasture. She will be our baby forever and we'll never sell her to anyone! Not after all this. I think God healed her. I prayed over her everyday and left my tears running down her cheeks as I sobbed over her. It was so sad to see her just laying there suffering as she was. But God answered my prayers and raised her up! I've considered changing her name to Lazarus. She is a fighter and will be spoiled rotten the rest of her life!

Isaiah is coming along. He is "sick" today. I don't think he is a sick and he claims. He LOVES being sick as it was one of the many ways he'd get attention from his mother. We aren't playing into it and he has had to stay in his bed all day. If he's not sick he'll not pull this stunt again anytime soon! Nothing worse than laying in bed all day when you're not sick. I played sick when I was about 8 and my Mom made me stay in bed all day and I didn't try that one again! No fun!

Had a birthday party for David and his brother Walter this weekend. It was a last minute thing but it was so much fun. We just played music and had some friends over. Broke out the cards played Spades too. It was a blast!

I've certainly been blessed in the last few months. I have a fantastic job, my colt is recovering from West Nile, my son had an accident on a dirt bike and spent the night in the hospital but is fine now, and we are getting caught up on our bills. God has been working overtime in my life! I am truly blessed!!!!!

No ETA on the home phone so I'll update again as I can.

Update on Life

Life is good! The new job is going well. They tried to kill me but I survived :) For 2 weeks I had to do "Team Member Training" which consisted of doing the work my direct reports will do. So the first week I loaded trailers with box after box after box in the Texas heat. It was the hardest work I have done in my life! Then the next week I slung box after box after box on to the conveyor system, uncloged jams on the lines, and stuck label after label to box after box. I felt like Lucy in the Chocolate Factory episode. I could barely keep up! But.....I now have the ultimate compassion and respect for the people who report to me. Mission accomplished! I still don't have my permanent schedule yet but hope to get the weekday shift, not the weekend or night shift. I have faith in God that He'll get me the best shift!

Things are hard with Isaiah. He seems so "unguided" and had no clue how to be a normal person. It's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be to have a child again but David and I are working on this together and are both putting 110% into this child. It's a delicate balance to introduce discipline into his life without making him feel like we are riding him every minute of the day. He's run into trouble at school with the kids making fun of his weight and calling him "gay". He is not very "boyish" and acts goofy so I can see why they pick on him. I asked him what color he wanted to paint his room and he replied "eggshell" so I am kinda worried about the "gay" thing! LOL But we are taking it one day at a time. I applaud all grandparents who are forced to take in their grandchildren to raise. It's not easy! I thought I was done and could enjoy my middle age! WRONG! :) But, we are here for Isaiah for the long haul. He is ours and we won't turn our back on him!

I still don't have internet access at home or work (I'm at a friends house now) so don't know how long it will be until I can get on here again. Hopefully, this week we can take care of it and get it back on! Till then.....God bless and be with you!

Job!!!!!

Glory be to God on Highest.........I have a permanent job! I start at a major retailers distribution center (can't say the name on a public blog as I saw an article that people have been fired for such) and start on August 22nd! My starting pay is more than I left Verizon at. How cool is that! God delivered big time! What I learned through my many months of unemployment:

1) Matthew 6:25 is what life is ALL about! "

I emailed this to my Daily Verse email group last Thursday, Aug 4th:

This is the meaning of my life. All the problems of being unemployed or underemployed in my case, mean NOTHING compared to what is to come. I am
redirecting my focus to what is eternal for everything in this life is just for a moment. Money, bills, problems really don't mean anything. Like the country song says "I never saw a hearse with a luggage rack." So with or without the means to pay my bills I will praise my God and ALL He has done for me. I hope you can find the joy in your heart that ONLY comes from putting ALL your trust and faith in Him. It says in Matt 6:25 "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?". This is one of the hardest verses to live by because our nature causes us to worry about what we will eat and if we can pay the light bill so we don't have to sit in the dark. But that's not what is important, What matters is our life and that we live it to bring glory to God in all we do. It is my prayer to love Him in all I do, not just when I am on my knees in prayer! I want to love Him when someone cuts me off in traffic. I want to love Him when I get a bill I can't pay. I want to love Him when my life seems to be in the toilet. In His Love, Lora

2) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be in debt again! I am going to pay off my credit cards, my car, and work on the mortgage. I am going to be a cash only woman from here on out! I am also going to have 3 savings accounts; 1. retirement, 2. emergencies 3. rainy days! Struggling to pay the bills sucks!

I never in a million years dreamed it would take me thins long to find a job. I thought I'd graduate and start work within a month at the longest. Well guess what? That didn't even come close to happening! I will be prepared from here on out, as best I can be, so that if David or I are unemployed ever again we won't be desperate again. It is NOT fun to be on the brink of bankruptcy for months on end. It is a miracle we didn't lose everything we own. God kept us treading water all these months!

So I am a very happy girl right now! We can afford to keep Isaiah, we can keep our house, our vehicles, and get out of debt.

The icing on the cake is that there is another DC in Indianapolis and my company likes to transfer people.....so I could end up going home too!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job Status

Still no permanent job......but......I had an interview with a major retailers Distribution Center in Midlothian, TX last Wednesday. It was a "cattle call" type interview with lots of other potential employees there. It took 4 hours! Six other potential employees and I were taken on a tour of the DC and then we were interview individually. My first one was with 3 people, the second with 2 others, and the third with 2 more. I was the last one there from my original group. They had back-to-back groups all day. I hope that is a good sign as they were either interested in me or I talk too much! Saturday I received an email with a personality/intelligence test. My sister said I have both so maybe I did well. It took me 90 minutes to complete the test on the internet so hopefuly I did well.

I REEAALLLY want to be a teacher but I know that Moses REEAALLLY wanted to go to the Promised Land too and didn't make it. So I'll be patient and see what happens. If God wants me at the job I interviewed for for a while then that's where I will go! If He wants me to stay where I'm at now, then I'll do that too! I am not going to worry about money any more. Matthew 6:25 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Some of the hardest verses to live by but I am going to try!

Enemy Attack

It seems the harder I try to be what God wants me to be the madder the devil gets and attacks me full force. No one ever said it was easy to live a Christian life, not even God. It is very hard because we live in a carnal body. We are to be "Christ like" but even Paul said he did the very things that he didn't want to do. It is a daily fight, hourly sometimes, to keep my flesh under control. The Bible says in Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." That self-control one is hard! I want to get mad and cuss and throw things. All that would do is make me feel better in the moment! Sometimes it's necessary as Jesus did that in the Temple when he turned over the money changers tables. But I'm not Jesus and I don't suppose it's OK to do that when someone in Wal-mart won't move their cart and I've said "excuse me" to them twice! :)

My Pastor told me last night that the way to have God's will in your life once He has already shown you what it is, is it to speak it in prayer. Not "God if it's your will for me to be a teacher...." I am to say "God, you told me it's Your will for me to teach. I claim a teaching position in Your name." Now that's speaking POWER into your life! I know it is what I am to do. The Bible says to speak with your mouth and I plan to do it.

I know that Satan knows I am near my Promised Land and he is doing everything he can to destroy me before I get there but I won't let him! No way, no how! He knows that I am prone to depression so he attacks me relationally so I have a spirit of despair. But according to Isaiah 61:3 "...and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." The only way to defeat the enemy is to know how he works. It's a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" kind of thing. You can't trick me if I know you are coming and am prepared. We have already defeated the devil through the blood of Christ so the devil is fighting a losing battle anyway. Go, Jesus!!!

So, I'll put on a garment of praise and go along my merry way! We can't manifest the joy God placed in our bellies at creation if we are constantly depressed. Let's get ready to rumble, Devil! You are going down!

Mother Again

Isaiah moved in with us officially again last night at 3:00 a.m. In many ways I am not ready for this. I did my time. I raised my boys. They were cute and tiny and had my blood in their veins. They were mine. Now I have a 182 pound boy of a different race. He is big and smelly and talks too much and moves too slow and has a mother somewhere else. But for some reason God wants me to be Isaiah's other mother. I know he needs me. He needs me to teach him so many things. Like how important education is. How to have manners. How to treat a home so that the furniture stays nice. How to be clean. How to act like you "got some sense". How to cut a pork chop with a knife and fork. But I need him too. To teach me that people are more important than furniture. That sometimes God likes you so much and thinks you did such a good job that He had another kid for you. That I am needed when so very many time I don't feel I am at all. That even though I have one son who won't speak to me that I am a good mother or I wouldn't get to raise another one.

I love Isaiah so much. It broke me into tiny pieces that still haven't ever gotten back in their original places when his mother took him from us. Having him back is bitter sweet. He is so messed up now. He is on 4 different psych drugs, he is grossly overweight, he is weaker than a new born baby, he has no clue about table manners. This is going to be so much work. It's going to wear me out, it's going to be hard on my marriage, it's going to cost me a fortune, it's going to take so much time that I don't want to spend. But I can't not do it because I love Isaiah so much.

I picture us talking, baking cookies, going to the library and having long conversations over books. He loves books, I love books, how cool is that! I have so much to teach him and so much to learn from him. This is going to be an adventure and I am ready for it.

The saddest part of this is that the reason we are getting him is that Cynthia, his mother, may be nearing the end. No one else will take him. She was going to put him in foster care if we didn't take him. We can't let that happen. Cynthia is very sick and in the hospital right now. To look at the fear and helplessness in my husbands eyes is more than I can bear. I can't imagine what it would be like to outlive one of my children. It's not supposed to be like that. Cynthia is only 33 years-old. Too young to die. To know there is nothing I can do to help my husband is awful. He is a good man. It tears me apart to see him hurt. I've never seen that look on his face before. I can't put it into words. He is scared and he knows he can't help his baby girl. It's a horrible thing.

So I'll be there for Isaiah and my husband and we'll do this the best way we can!

Sad day

I had to get rid of Sadie. She decided it would be a good idea to crawl under our house to enjoy her days. We live in a double wide and for her to be under there we are running a huge risk that she will tear up the duct work that contains our heat/AC work. It happened with another dog and we can't afford for it happen again. We can't afford to put a hot wire around the perimeter of the house to stop her from getting under there either. David tried to block her out but she is so big and strong that she gpt under there anyway.

I cried for several hours last night and again today. I miss my big girl. She came to me for a home and I couldn't help her because I can't afford to pay attention right now, let alone pay for damage she might cause. I didn't have the heart to put her on a chain out in the yard either. I think dogs should be free.

I miss her so much.

Tattoo's

My church had revival this past week and one of the preachers said something that really had an impact on me. He said “Satan will tattoo your past on your mind and use it to stop you from serving God.” He went on to explain that every time you start to do something for God that Satan will use that tattoo to remind you of “what you are” and “what you did” and make you think that God can’t use you. How could God use a sinner like me? After all I did “fill in the blank”. We all know what a tattoo is. It’s something permanent and will always be there. We can have it removed but there will always be a scar showing where it once was. However, with Jesus all things are possible. There might be a tattoo of all the things I did in my past that I am ashamed of, but God will not hold it against me. The tattoo might be there, but God doesn’t see it or even care about the scar.

I firmly believe that Satan is alive and well in America, roaming around seeking who he can kill and destroy and that we as the accepting, loving, anything goes, and lets-be-careful-not-to-offend-anyone people that we are, give him free reign. We allow him to destroy our lives and believe that things are OK when they are not. Depression is not OK, it’s a lie from the devil, and living together without the uniting in marriage is not OK. Satan is attacking our morals and destroying us. I don’t want to sound like a right wing liberal because I’m not. What I am is a Christian, I believe that if we do what the Bible says then we will be successful, we will be happy, and we will have the peace that we do desire in our lives. Joshua 1:8 says “Do not let this book of the Law depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night so that you will be careful to everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” NIV

I don’t believe that God is going to drop a Navigator in my driveway or have me stumble on a sack of $100 bills as I’m walking the dog. But I do believe that He will allow me to make ends meet and have a peace in my heart everyday that defies explanation. Man days are few and full of turmoil according to the Bible and as long as we are on this earth is not going to be easy because of the attacks from Satan. He wants us to be mad at God and blame our problems on God and not on who the real culprit is; Satan himself. But Jesus didn’t die on the cross for us to live a difficult life. He died to give us life and so that we could have it more abundantly. John 10:10-11says "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep."

Can you tell the revival got me all revved up? I am so on fire for God right now. I love Him, I praise Him, I worship Him! I want to take as many people to heaven with me as I can. I am ready to really work for God now!

Beautiful Story

This was sent to me today in an email and I thought it was a beautiful story and I had to share!
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Beth Moore Apr 20, 2005 Knoxville Airport -

Waiting to board the plane: I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say that because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise.

Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego... I tried to keep from staring but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy grey hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long. Clean, but strangely out of place on an old man.

I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes sighting. Then, I remembered reading somewhere that he was dead. So this man in the airport... an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere?....

There I sat trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.

I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind.

"Oh no, God please no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!"...

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane."

Then I heard it..."I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair." The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm you're girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am on him. I am going to witness to this man."

Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair."

I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I suppose to brush his hair without a hairbrush?"...

God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works." (2 Tim 3:17) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself. Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies.

I knelt down in front of the man, and asked as demurely as possible, "Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?" "May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair? To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that. At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?"

At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to."

Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush."

"I have one in my bag," he responded. I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair. It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but I must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls.

Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and I brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair.

I know this sounds so strange but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I - for that few minutes - felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's.

His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knees, and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?"

He said, "Yes, I do." Well, that figures. He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said, "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself. What a mess I must be for my bride."

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it.

Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft. I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?"

I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share. I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!

I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way... all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

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The part I bolded above about being in the wrong place really spoke to me. Maybe it is time to move on to a new church. I have been getting that feeling for a while and maybe that is why God is not giving me a good job....maybe he has someone he wants me to meet at another church that will lead me to the job He has for me. We shall see!

Sadie

Here is my new dog. Isn't she a beauty! She is big and loveable and very old. I hope if I wander on to someone's porch when I am old that they will love me too.

I'm glad you found me, Sadie!

Blessings

I have been so busy with my career problems that I haven't had time to post about the great moments of the kids visit. Here they are in order:

1) There is no feeling to compare to having your first grandchild in your arms and she lays her precious little head on your shoulder and nuzzles in your neck!

2) Mary's sweet little butt taking a bath in the kitchen sink! I'll never wash dishes in the sink again unless of think of her sitting in it playing with a "Teen-age mutant Ninja Turtle" cup that was her Daddy's when he was a little guy!

3) Heather climbing up in my lap and looking up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and in the saddest voice saying "Grandma Lora, I wish we could live in both Texas and Indiana like we do with my Dad. We live in both Mommy and Daddy's houses." I said "I know, Honey, I wish you could too. I'm going to miss you." and she said "I'll miss you so much." and then she put her head on me and hugged me. Made me want to cry. We just sat and rocked and watched "That's so Raven" and didn't say anything else. It was a real moment of bonding.

4) Tammy and I "out shooting" our husband's with the BB gun! We both hit 3 out of 4 shots at the soda can when our "marksman" husbands hit only 1 of 4! Girls rule, boys drool!!!!

5) Getting to know Tammy even better! She is the best mother in the world! She is definitely a Proverbs 31 woman. My son is so blessed to have her for a wife, as a matter of fact she may be too good for him! ha-ha just kidding! I love her so much and am so proud of her. I couldn't have picked a better mother for my first grandchild than Tammy. I hope David can find a woman half as good as Tammy for his wife. I prayed for her the whole time Matt was growing up, not knowing who she was, but that God would prepare her heart for Matt and vice versa. God answered that prayer with Tammy!

6) Getting Robert and Javale together! I always wanted them to be able to play together! I don't know who is worse! They are both all boy and had a grand old time climbing on the hay, swimming in the kiddie pool, and riding the horses together.

7) Celebrating my 45th birthday with my 5 favorite grandkids surrounding me! Tammy baked a birthday cake for me and all the kids gathered around the table and sang "Happy Birthday" to me and ate cake and ice cream. Hubby David took a picture of me with all of them but Mary, who was asleep, I'll always have great memories of this birthday.

It was a great visit. I thoroughly enjoyed having them here. Family is really a blessing and grandchildren are the biggest blessing of all!