Broken Heart

I have tried and tried but can't get over the fact that my husband went to see those strippers. I guess it's because I've lost 130 pounds but I'm still not enough for him that he had to go look at other women. He accidentally recorded a conversation with his daughter about my weight before I had the weight loss surgery and it was pretty ugly. So I lost the weight and then this happens. I feel like I'm not enough for him and that all my hard work was not good enough.

He is not into porn; not magazines, not videos, or titty bars. I guess that's why this has affected me like it has. I don't do it for him and I guess I never will. I know I posted that I still love him a few months ago and I guess in many ways I do but I'm tired of being hurt and neglected. Love is not enough. And it has to go both ways. My love for him is dying.


You know what the next step is and so do I.

Best Christmas Present Ever

I got the best Christmas present ever from my oldest sister this year. She took a black and white picture that was taken at Olan Mills when we were 2 & 4 years-old and blew it up and framed it. When I opened it up I just busted out crying. I saw two little girls who were best friends then and who are still best friends today. It represents the constant presense she has been in my life. And how no matter what has happened that she has been there, right beside me, just like in the picture, since the very first breath I took. She has never judged me or turned her back on me. No one knows me or understands me or has been there for me more than her. I can't explain what she means to me with just words. She is my rock! She makes me laugh and cry and will go to the ends of the earth for me and I'd do it for her too.

It may seem like a simple gift but the thoughtfulness of it blew me away. It is so precious and I'll cherish it everytime I look at it and thank God for giving me such a beautiful sister! Our relationship is what sisterhood is all about. I would wish everyone could have a sibling relationship like ours if I had a wish to grant.

I love you, Kim! I thank God for allowing me to be your sister and your best friend too.

6th Anniversary

Who would have thought I'd be happily married after 6 years. I was miserable after 2 years with my first husband. It's been almost 12 years since I met David and I still get excited when I know he's coming home from work, or when I pull in the drive after a long day and see him out by the barn! The feel of his arms around me makes me weak in the knees. I never knew true love before and am sure glad I found it while I was still young enough to enjoy it but old enough to know what it was.

It's not been an easy 6 years. He does unbelievably stupid things ( see the Grandma Again" post) sometimes but in the end I know that he truly loves me. I know I'm not perfect either so I forgive him just as I want him to forgive me. He is my port in the storm, my soft place to fall, my best friend, my lover, and my husband all rolled into one. We fight battles together. We laugh together. We cry together. We stay together.

So Happy 6th Anniversary, Herb! I love you more than my luggage. From your Peaches :)

Grandma Again!

Great news! I'm going to be a Grandma again in July! Matt and Tammy are expecting baby #2 or would it be #4?? in July. Mary will be 2 years-old so it will be perfect timing for them to be close as they grow up together. My oldest sister and I are 2 years apart and she is my #1 best friend and will always be! I hope it's another girl, although Matt wants a boy...go figure.

The rest of my life is plugging along. My husband is being a pain lately. He decided it was a good idea to go to a bachelor Party and watch 10 completely naked women dance while Isaiah sat in the truck for 2 hours. Can we say "selfish" or "bad idea" or "lousy Grandfather"????? Cranial-rectal inversion took over that day! I asked him if he died today where would he go and he replied "probably hell" so I shared the plan of salvation out of the book of Roman's with him. He didn't make any changes that day but I'm praying for him. I know the Devil wants to keep him but God wants him more and we know who will win. The Bible says the "unbelieving husband is sanctified by the believing wife" (and vice versa) so I am praying very hard for his salvation. I have faith I will win this one despite Satan's attacks because the Bible also says "He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world." So the devil can bring it on...I have staying power to win this fight! At church on Sunday, this man who I never met before was playing the piano and spoke to me from the platform. He said "Sister in the tan jacket, I have a word from God for you. God knows your pain and He wants you to know that He has not forgotten you. He will fulfill His prophecy to you. Do you know what I'm talking about?" I nodded my head and proceeded to cry like a baby. So I know, that I know, that David will become a Christian and leave his drinking and bad ways behind him. If you believe too than please, please join me in prayer. It's going to take an Army of Christian soldiers to tear him away from the Devil but we can do it with God's help.

OK, on to other things. I get to go see my family in Indy on Dec 10-14th and can't wait! 5 days of spoiling Mary! Woo hoo!

The job is going well! I passed my 90 days so I guess I get to stay! YEAH!!!!

Time to go home now, I have a conference call for a committee meeting so need to go home to make the call. Beats driving all the way into work to attend the meeting in person!

West Nile and Blessings

A lot has happened since my last post. I still don't have a home phone so must go to the local library to access the internet. No problem though!

Our colt, Liberty, has gotten and almost recovered from West Nile. She is our miracle horse as the vet said he would have put her down. I didn't know it at the time but David was giving her one more day and then was going to end her suffering. But he went out to check on her and she was standing up in her stall after being down for almost a week. She couldn't walk for 6 days, had ground her teeth so bad that her mouth was bleeding and was so cut up from rolling around on the ground trying to stand up! But she is well on her way back. She had a bad hematoma from where we had to rig up some girt's and suspened her from the bucket on the tractor to move her back to the stall when she couldn't walk. The vet lanced it and subsquently we've given her penicillian shots and I've had to irrigate the wound and clean it out daily. We've also given her extra vitamins everyday and pampered her! She follows me around now like a dog when I go out to the pasture. She will be our baby forever and we'll never sell her to anyone! Not after all this. I think God healed her. I prayed over her everyday and left my tears running down her cheeks as I sobbed over her. It was so sad to see her just laying there suffering as she was. But God answered my prayers and raised her up! I've considered changing her name to Lazarus. She is a fighter and will be spoiled rotten the rest of her life!

Isaiah is coming along. He is "sick" today. I don't think he is a sick and he claims. He LOVES being sick as it was one of the many ways he'd get attention from his mother. We aren't playing into it and he has had to stay in his bed all day. If he's not sick he'll not pull this stunt again anytime soon! Nothing worse than laying in bed all day when you're not sick. I played sick when I was about 8 and my Mom made me stay in bed all day and I didn't try that one again! No fun!

Had a birthday party for David and his brother Walter this weekend. It was a last minute thing but it was so much fun. We just played music and had some friends over. Broke out the cards played Spades too. It was a blast!

I've certainly been blessed in the last few months. I have a fantastic job, my colt is recovering from West Nile, my son had an accident on a dirt bike and spent the night in the hospital but is fine now, and we are getting caught up on our bills. God has been working overtime in my life! I am truly blessed!!!!!

No ETA on the home phone so I'll update again as I can.

Update on Life

Life is good! The new job is going well. They tried to kill me but I survived :) For 2 weeks I had to do "Team Member Training" which consisted of doing the work my direct reports will do. So the first week I loaded trailers with box after box after box in the Texas heat. It was the hardest work I have done in my life! Then the next week I slung box after box after box on to the conveyor system, uncloged jams on the lines, and stuck label after label to box after box. I felt like Lucy in the Chocolate Factory episode. I could barely keep up! But.....I now have the ultimate compassion and respect for the people who report to me. Mission accomplished! I still don't have my permanent schedule yet but hope to get the weekday shift, not the weekend or night shift. I have faith in God that He'll get me the best shift!

Things are hard with Isaiah. He seems so "unguided" and had no clue how to be a normal person. It's a lot harder than I ever thought it would be to have a child again but David and I are working on this together and are both putting 110% into this child. It's a delicate balance to introduce discipline into his life without making him feel like we are riding him every minute of the day. He's run into trouble at school with the kids making fun of his weight and calling him "gay". He is not very "boyish" and acts goofy so I can see why they pick on him. I asked him what color he wanted to paint his room and he replied "eggshell" so I am kinda worried about the "gay" thing! LOL But we are taking it one day at a time. I applaud all grandparents who are forced to take in their grandchildren to raise. It's not easy! I thought I was done and could enjoy my middle age! WRONG! :) But, we are here for Isaiah for the long haul. He is ours and we won't turn our back on him!

I still don't have internet access at home or work (I'm at a friends house now) so don't know how long it will be until I can get on here again. Hopefully, this week we can take care of it and get it back on! Till then.....God bless and be with you!

Job!!!!!

Glory be to God on Highest.........I have a permanent job! I start at a major retailers distribution center (can't say the name on a public blog as I saw an article that people have been fired for such) and start on August 22nd! My starting pay is more than I left Verizon at. How cool is that! God delivered big time! What I learned through my many months of unemployment:

1) Matthew 6:25 is what life is ALL about! "

I emailed this to my Daily Verse email group last Thursday, Aug 4th:

This is the meaning of my life. All the problems of being unemployed or underemployed in my case, mean NOTHING compared to what is to come. I am
redirecting my focus to what is eternal for everything in this life is just for a moment. Money, bills, problems really don't mean anything. Like the country song says "I never saw a hearse with a luggage rack." So with or without the means to pay my bills I will praise my God and ALL He has done for me. I hope you can find the joy in your heart that ONLY comes from putting ALL your trust and faith in Him. It says in Matt 6:25 "Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?". This is one of the hardest verses to live by because our nature causes us to worry about what we will eat and if we can pay the light bill so we don't have to sit in the dark. But that's not what is important, What matters is our life and that we live it to bring glory to God in all we do. It is my prayer to love Him in all I do, not just when I am on my knees in prayer! I want to love Him when someone cuts me off in traffic. I want to love Him when I get a bill I can't pay. I want to love Him when my life seems to be in the toilet. In His Love, Lora

2) NEVER, NEVER, NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER be in debt again! I am going to pay off my credit cards, my car, and work on the mortgage. I am going to be a cash only woman from here on out! I am also going to have 3 savings accounts; 1. retirement, 2. emergencies 3. rainy days! Struggling to pay the bills sucks!

I never in a million years dreamed it would take me thins long to find a job. I thought I'd graduate and start work within a month at the longest. Well guess what? That didn't even come close to happening! I will be prepared from here on out, as best I can be, so that if David or I are unemployed ever again we won't be desperate again. It is NOT fun to be on the brink of bankruptcy for months on end. It is a miracle we didn't lose everything we own. God kept us treading water all these months!

So I am a very happy girl right now! We can afford to keep Isaiah, we can keep our house, our vehicles, and get out of debt.

The icing on the cake is that there is another DC in Indianapolis and my company likes to transfer people.....so I could end up going home too!

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Job Status

Still no permanent job......but......I had an interview with a major retailers Distribution Center in Midlothian, TX last Wednesday. It was a "cattle call" type interview with lots of other potential employees there. It took 4 hours! Six other potential employees and I were taken on a tour of the DC and then we were interview individually. My first one was with 3 people, the second with 2 others, and the third with 2 more. I was the last one there from my original group. They had back-to-back groups all day. I hope that is a good sign as they were either interested in me or I talk too much! Saturday I received an email with a personality/intelligence test. My sister said I have both so maybe I did well. It took me 90 minutes to complete the test on the internet so hopefuly I did well.

I REEAALLLY want to be a teacher but I know that Moses REEAALLLY wanted to go to the Promised Land too and didn't make it. So I'll be patient and see what happens. If God wants me at the job I interviewed for for a while then that's where I will go! If He wants me to stay where I'm at now, then I'll do that too! I am not going to worry about money any more. Matthew 6:25 says "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?" Some of the hardest verses to live by but I am going to try!

Enemy Attack

It seems the harder I try to be what God wants me to be the madder the devil gets and attacks me full force. No one ever said it was easy to live a Christian life, not even God. It is very hard because we live in a carnal body. We are to be "Christ like" but even Paul said he did the very things that he didn't want to do. It is a daily fight, hourly sometimes, to keep my flesh under control. The Bible says in Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." That self-control one is hard! I want to get mad and cuss and throw things. All that would do is make me feel better in the moment! Sometimes it's necessary as Jesus did that in the Temple when he turned over the money changers tables. But I'm not Jesus and I don't suppose it's OK to do that when someone in Wal-mart won't move their cart and I've said "excuse me" to them twice! :)

My Pastor told me last night that the way to have God's will in your life once He has already shown you what it is, is it to speak it in prayer. Not "God if it's your will for me to be a teacher...." I am to say "God, you told me it's Your will for me to teach. I claim a teaching position in Your name." Now that's speaking POWER into your life! I know it is what I am to do. The Bible says to speak with your mouth and I plan to do it.

I know that Satan knows I am near my Promised Land and he is doing everything he can to destroy me before I get there but I won't let him! No way, no how! He knows that I am prone to depression so he attacks me relationally so I have a spirit of despair. But according to Isaiah 61:3 "...and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." The only way to defeat the enemy is to know how he works. It's a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" kind of thing. You can't trick me if I know you are coming and am prepared. We have already defeated the devil through the blood of Christ so the devil is fighting a losing battle anyway. Go, Jesus!!!

So, I'll put on a garment of praise and go along my merry way! We can't manifest the joy God placed in our bellies at creation if we are constantly depressed. Let's get ready to rumble, Devil! You are going down!

Mother Again

Isaiah moved in with us officially again last night at 3:00 a.m. In many ways I am not ready for this. I did my time. I raised my boys. They were cute and tiny and had my blood in their veins. They were mine. Now I have a 182 pound boy of a different race. He is big and smelly and talks too much and moves too slow and has a mother somewhere else. But for some reason God wants me to be Isaiah's other mother. I know he needs me. He needs me to teach him so many things. Like how important education is. How to have manners. How to treat a home so that the furniture stays nice. How to be clean. How to act like you "got some sense". How to cut a pork chop with a knife and fork. But I need him too. To teach me that people are more important than furniture. That sometimes God likes you so much and thinks you did such a good job that He had another kid for you. That I am needed when so very many time I don't feel I am at all. That even though I have one son who won't speak to me that I am a good mother or I wouldn't get to raise another one.

I love Isaiah so much. It broke me into tiny pieces that still haven't ever gotten back in their original places when his mother took him from us. Having him back is bitter sweet. He is so messed up now. He is on 4 different psych drugs, he is grossly overweight, he is weaker than a new born baby, he has no clue about table manners. This is going to be so much work. It's going to wear me out, it's going to be hard on my marriage, it's going to cost me a fortune, it's going to take so much time that I don't want to spend. But I can't not do it because I love Isaiah so much.

I picture us talking, baking cookies, going to the library and having long conversations over books. He loves books, I love books, how cool is that! I have so much to teach him and so much to learn from him. This is going to be an adventure and I am ready for it.

The saddest part of this is that the reason we are getting him is that Cynthia, his mother, may be nearing the end. No one else will take him. She was going to put him in foster care if we didn't take him. We can't let that happen. Cynthia is very sick and in the hospital right now. To look at the fear and helplessness in my husbands eyes is more than I can bear. I can't imagine what it would be like to outlive one of my children. It's not supposed to be like that. Cynthia is only 33 years-old. Too young to die. To know there is nothing I can do to help my husband is awful. He is a good man. It tears me apart to see him hurt. I've never seen that look on his face before. I can't put it into words. He is scared and he knows he can't help his baby girl. It's a horrible thing.

So I'll be there for Isaiah and my husband and we'll do this the best way we can!

Sad day

I had to get rid of Sadie. She decided it would be a good idea to crawl under our house to enjoy her days. We live in a double wide and for her to be under there we are running a huge risk that she will tear up the duct work that contains our heat/AC work. It happened with another dog and we can't afford for it happen again. We can't afford to put a hot wire around the perimeter of the house to stop her from getting under there either. David tried to block her out but she is so big and strong that she gpt under there anyway.

I cried for several hours last night and again today. I miss my big girl. She came to me for a home and I couldn't help her because I can't afford to pay attention right now, let alone pay for damage she might cause. I didn't have the heart to put her on a chain out in the yard either. I think dogs should be free.

I miss her so much.

Tattoo's

My church had revival this past week and one of the preachers said something that really had an impact on me. He said “Satan will tattoo your past on your mind and use it to stop you from serving God.” He went on to explain that every time you start to do something for God that Satan will use that tattoo to remind you of “what you are” and “what you did” and make you think that God can’t use you. How could God use a sinner like me? After all I did “fill in the blank”. We all know what a tattoo is. It’s something permanent and will always be there. We can have it removed but there will always be a scar showing where it once was. However, with Jesus all things are possible. There might be a tattoo of all the things I did in my past that I am ashamed of, but God will not hold it against me. The tattoo might be there, but God doesn’t see it or even care about the scar.

I firmly believe that Satan is alive and well in America, roaming around seeking who he can kill and destroy and that we as the accepting, loving, anything goes, and lets-be-careful-not-to-offend-anyone people that we are, give him free reign. We allow him to destroy our lives and believe that things are OK when they are not. Depression is not OK, it’s a lie from the devil, and living together without the uniting in marriage is not OK. Satan is attacking our morals and destroying us. I don’t want to sound like a right wing liberal because I’m not. What I am is a Christian, I believe that if we do what the Bible says then we will be successful, we will be happy, and we will have the peace that we do desire in our lives. Joshua 1:8 says “Do not let this book of the Law depart from your mouth. Meditate on it day and night so that you will be careful to everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful.” NIV

I don’t believe that God is going to drop a Navigator in my driveway or have me stumble on a sack of $100 bills as I’m walking the dog. But I do believe that He will allow me to make ends meet and have a peace in my heart everyday that defies explanation. Man days are few and full of turmoil according to the Bible and as long as we are on this earth is not going to be easy because of the attacks from Satan. He wants us to be mad at God and blame our problems on God and not on who the real culprit is; Satan himself. But Jesus didn’t die on the cross for us to live a difficult life. He died to give us life and so that we could have it more abundantly. John 10:10-11says "The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd gives His life for the sheep."

Can you tell the revival got me all revved up? I am so on fire for God right now. I love Him, I praise Him, I worship Him! I want to take as many people to heaven with me as I can. I am ready to really work for God now!

Beautiful Story

This was sent to me today in an email and I thought it was a beautiful story and I had to share!
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Beth Moore Apr 20, 2005 Knoxville Airport -

Waiting to board the plane: I had the Bible on my lap and was very intent upon what I was doing. I'd had a marvelous morning with the Lord. I say that because I want to tell you it is a scary thing to have the Spirit of God really working in you. You could end up doing some things you never would have done otherwise.

Life in the Spirit can be dangerous for a thousand reasons not the least of which is your ego... I tried to keep from staring but he was such a strange sight. Humped over in a wheelchair, he was skin and bones, dressed in clothes that obviously fit when he was at least twenty pounds heavier. His knees protruded from his trousers, and his shoulders looked like the coat hanger was still in his shirt. His hands looked like tangled masses of veins and bones. The strangest part of him was his hair and nails. Stringy grey hair hung well over his shoulders and down part of his back. His fingernails were long. Clean, but strangely out of place on an old man.

I looked down at my Bible as fast as I could, discomfort burning my face. As I tried to imagine what his story might have been, I found myself wondering if I'd just had a Howard Hughes sighting. Then, I remembered reading somewhere that he was dead. So this man in the airport... an impersonator maybe? Was a camera on us somewhere?....

There I sat trying to concentrate on the Word to keep from being concerned about a thin slice of humanity served on a wheelchair only a few seats from me. All the while my heart was growing more and more overwhelmed with a feeling for him. Let's admit it. Curiosity is a heap more comfortable than true concern, and suddenly I was awash with aching emotion for this bizarre-looking old man.

I had walked with God long enough to see the handwriting on the wall. I've learned that when I begin to feel what God feels, something so contrary to my natural feelings, something dramatic is bound to happen. And it may be embarrassing. I immediately began to resist because I could feel God working on my spirit and I started arguing with God in my mind.

"Oh no, God please no." I looked up at the ceiling as if I could stare straight through it into heaven and said, "Don't make me witness to this man. Not right here and now. Please. I'll do anything. Put me on the same plane, but don't make me get up here and witness to this man in front of this gawking audience. Please, Lord!"...

There I sat in the blue vinyl chair begging His Highness, "Please don't make me witness to this man. Not now. I'll do it on the plane."

Then I heard it..."I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to brush his hair." The words were so clear, my heart leapt into my throat, and my thoughts spun like a top. Do I witness to the man or brush his hair? No brainer. I looked straight back up at the ceiling and said, "God, as I live and breathe, I want you to know I am ready to witness to this man. I'm on this Lord. I'm you're girl! You've never seen a woman witness to a man faster in your life. What difference does it make if his hair is a mess if he is not redeemed? I am on him. I am going to witness to this man."

Again as clearly as I've ever heard an audible word, God seemed to write this statement across the wall of my mind. "That is not what I said, Beth. I don't want you to witness to him. I want you to go brush his hair."

I looked up at God and quipped, "I don't have a hairbrush. It's in my suitcase on the plane. How am I suppose to brush his hair without a hairbrush?"...

God was so insistent that I almost involuntarily began to walk toward him as these thoughts came to me from God's word: "I will thoroughly furnish you unto all good works." (2 Tim 3:17) I stumbled over to the wheelchair thinking I could use one myself. Even as I retell this story my pulse quickens and I feel those same butterflies.

I knelt down in front of the man, and asked as demurely as possible, "Sir, may I have the pleasure of brushing your hair?" He looked back at me and said, "What did you say?" "May I have the pleasure of brushing your hair? To which he responded in volume ten, "Little lady, if you expect me to hear you, you're going to have to talk louder than that. At this point, I took a deep breath and blurted out, "SIR, MAY I HAVE THE PLEASURE OF BRUSHING YOUR HAIR?"

At which point every eye in the place darted right at me. I was the only thing in the room looking more peculiar than old Mr. Longlocks. Face crimson and forehead breaking out in a sweat, I watched him look up at me with absolute shock on his face, and say, "If you really want to."

Are you kidding? Of course I didn't want to. But God didn't seem interested in my personal preference right about then. He pressed on my heart until I could utter the words, "Yes, sir, I would be pleased. But I have one little problem. I don't have a hairbrush."

"I have one in my bag," he responded. I went around to the back of that wheelchair, and I got on my hands and knees and unzipped the stranger's old carry-on hardly believing what I was doing. I stood up and started brushing the old man's hair. It was perfectly clean, but it was tangled and matted. I don't do many things well, but I must admit I've had notable experience untangling knotted hair mothering two little girls.

Like I'd done with either Amanda or Melissa in such a condition, I began brushing at the very bottom of the strands, remembering to take my time not to pull.

A miraculous thing happened to me as I started brushing that old man's hair. Everybody else in the room disappeared. There was no one alive for those moments except that old man and me. I brushed and I brushed and I brushed until every tangle was out of that hair.

I know this sounds so strange but I've never felt that kind of love for another soul in my entire life. I believe with all my heart, I - for that few minutes - felt a portion of the very love of God. That He had overtaken my heart for a little while like someone renting a room and making Himself at home for a short while. The emotions were so strong and so pure that I knew they had to be God's.

His hair was finally as soft and smooth as an infant's. I slipped the brush back in the bag, went around the chair to face him. I got back down on my knees, put my hands on his knees, and said, "Sir, do you know my Jesus?"

He said, "Yes, I do." Well, that figures. He explained, "I've known Him since I married my bride. She wouldn't marry me until I got to know the Savior." He said, "You see, the problem is, I haven't seen my bride in months. I've had open-heart surgery, and she's been too ill to come see me. I was sitting here thinking to myself. What a mess I must be for my bride."

Only God knows how often He allows us to be part of a divine moment when we're completely unaware of the significance. This, on the other hand, was one of those rare encounters when I knew God had intervened in details only He could have known. It was a God moment, and I'll never forget it.

Our time came to board, and we were not on the same plane. I was deeply ashamed of how I'd acted earlier and would have been so proud to have accompanied him on that aircraft. I still had a few minutes, and as I gathered my things to board, the airline hostess returned from the corridor, tears streaming down her cheeks. She said, "That old man's sitting on the plane, sobbing. Why did you do that? What made you do that?"

I said, "Do you know Jesus? He can be the bossiest thing!" And we got to share. I learned something about God that day. He knows if you're exhausted because you're hungry, you're serving in the wrong place or it is time to move on but you feel too responsible to budge. He knows if you're hurting or feeling rejected. He knows if you're sick or drowning under a wave of temptation. Or He knows if you just need your hair brushed. He sees you as an individual. Tell Him your need!

I got on my own flight, sobs choking my throat, wondering how many opportunities just like that one had I missed along the way... all because I didn't want people to think I was strange. God didn't send me to that old man. He sent that old man to me.

John 1:14 "The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth."

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The part I bolded above about being in the wrong place really spoke to me. Maybe it is time to move on to a new church. I have been getting that feeling for a while and maybe that is why God is not giving me a good job....maybe he has someone he wants me to meet at another church that will lead me to the job He has for me. We shall see!

Sadie

Here is my new dog. Isn't she a beauty! She is big and loveable and very old. I hope if I wander on to someone's porch when I am old that they will love me too.

I'm glad you found me, Sadie!

Blessings

I have been so busy with my career problems that I haven't had time to post about the great moments of the kids visit. Here they are in order:

1) There is no feeling to compare to having your first grandchild in your arms and she lays her precious little head on your shoulder and nuzzles in your neck!

2) Mary's sweet little butt taking a bath in the kitchen sink! I'll never wash dishes in the sink again unless of think of her sitting in it playing with a "Teen-age mutant Ninja Turtle" cup that was her Daddy's when he was a little guy!

3) Heather climbing up in my lap and looking up at me with her beautiful blue eyes and in the saddest voice saying "Grandma Lora, I wish we could live in both Texas and Indiana like we do with my Dad. We live in both Mommy and Daddy's houses." I said "I know, Honey, I wish you could too. I'm going to miss you." and she said "I'll miss you so much." and then she put her head on me and hugged me. Made me want to cry. We just sat and rocked and watched "That's so Raven" and didn't say anything else. It was a real moment of bonding.

4) Tammy and I "out shooting" our husband's with the BB gun! We both hit 3 out of 4 shots at the soda can when our "marksman" husbands hit only 1 of 4! Girls rule, boys drool!!!!

5) Getting to know Tammy even better! She is the best mother in the world! She is definitely a Proverbs 31 woman. My son is so blessed to have her for a wife, as a matter of fact she may be too good for him! ha-ha just kidding! I love her so much and am so proud of her. I couldn't have picked a better mother for my first grandchild than Tammy. I hope David can find a woman half as good as Tammy for his wife. I prayed for her the whole time Matt was growing up, not knowing who she was, but that God would prepare her heart for Matt and vice versa. God answered that prayer with Tammy!

6) Getting Robert and Javale together! I always wanted them to be able to play together! I don't know who is worse! They are both all boy and had a grand old time climbing on the hay, swimming in the kiddie pool, and riding the horses together.

7) Celebrating my 45th birthday with my 5 favorite grandkids surrounding me! Tammy baked a birthday cake for me and all the kids gathered around the table and sang "Happy Birthday" to me and ate cake and ice cream. Hubby David took a picture of me with all of them but Mary, who was asleep, I'll always have great memories of this birthday.

It was a great visit. I thoroughly enjoyed having them here. Family is really a blessing and grandchildren are the biggest blessing of all!

Funny Guy

My husband is a riot! I was mowing the grass last week, we have a riding mower because our yard is ginormous, and all the sudden I noticed something behind me. It was the grill of his 2004 Dodge Ram 3500 pick-up truck! He was following me just for the fun of it. He needed to move the truck and something possessed him to "tail gate"me! I was cracking up!

He is so much fun! When I'm down and feeling blue he can always make me laugh! He does funny, spontaneous things that are just hysterical!

I mowed yesterday but the traffice was low!

I Quit!!

Friday is my last day! YEAH!!!!

I had a dentist appt and notified my supervisor and he was such a jerk about it that I wanted to quit on the spot. I did the right thing and gave them a weeks notice even though they wouldn't do that for me!

Here is the email exchange that prompted my quitting:

To: Jacob Ba....................
cc: (bcc:
Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B.....)
Subject: Re: Email Volume
Tuesdays is the only day the Oral Surgeon comes in. So it's the only day I can get the tooth pulled. Since I am asking 2 weeks in advance I didn't think it would have a negative impact on the job. That's why I am willing to go another 2 weeks with an exposed nerve in my tooth. I am really trying to be cooperative here.

*************************
JACOB B.........
05/25/2005 01:10 PM

To: Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B.......
cc:
Subject: Re: Email Volume
Lora,
The schedules are set the way they are for a reason. You and Matt get Wednesday off cause we have enough staff on that day but not enough on the other days of the week.

Is there a reason why you did not schedule this for Wednesday. Right now we do not need you to work on a Wednesday. That is why you have it off. Switching your days would only negatively effect Tuesdays service level. what would you suggest we do about this situation?
Jacob
*********************
Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B........
05/25/2005 12:10 PM

To Jacob B........
cc
Subject
Re: Email Volume

He I wanted me to come in tomorrow to have the tooth pulled but I knew I couldn't get off work so I scheduled the appt for Tuesday June 7th at 10:30 a.m.. Will it be alright to switch my schedule and take Tuesday off that week and work on Wednesday instead? BTW- I got here at 11:30 today and will work until 3:00 to get my full 4 hours of OT for Tue-Wed as required.
Thanks
**************
JACOB B........05/24/2005 04:47 PM

To: Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B........
cc:
Subject: Re: Email Volume

thanks for letting me know
Jacob
*************

Lora Flake/Temporary/Corporate/B........
05/24/2005 02:55 PM

To Jacob B.......
Subject Re: Email Volume

As I mentioned in an earlier email I have a dentist appt tomorrow morning. I may have to have a tooth pulled, if so there is no way I will be able to physically do the 4 hours OT between today and tomorrow since I'm already working 11 hours today. I will go ahead and push today to 12 hours and stay until 8:00 p.m. I'll do the other 3 hours the rest of the week, as I already volunteered. But wanted to let you know because of this dentist appt I might not be able to come in.

I know the business needs are your first concern, but I absolutely can not cancel this dentist appt. I've had a chip out of this tooth for a year now and since I haven't had a job or dental insurance I couldn't afford to get it taken care of. Some days I'm in incredible pain as the nerve is exposed and am have been living on Ora-jel to numb it.

If they don't pull the tooth I will be here tomorrow to do the other 3 hours. Not sure what time as I have no idea now long I'll be there. Just letting you know ahead of time what might happen. Do I need to bring a receipt from the dentist office even though it's my day off?
Thanks.
****************
JACOB B.........
05/24/2005 02:08 PM

Subject: Email Volume

Team we are currently backlogged by over 4500 emails. These are all emails from yesterday. We just completed emails from Sunday in the 12:00 hour. Due to this high number of emails everyone is needed to work overtime for email. We need 4 hours from each of you. You can work these four hours today and tomorrow. We will be here until 8:00 PM tonight and as early as 7:00 AM tomorrow.

A reply with history response is required from every employee. Attached is the times available for Overtime. Respond with the dates and time you will work today
5-24-05 and tomorrow 5-25-05 to complete this requirement.

Thank you for you time on this matter.
Jacob.....

*******************

I am just appalled to think that he thinks this is acceptable to treat employees like this. I am almost 45 years old, I've been a supervisor myself and never in a million years would I treat my employees like this. It was always by goal to maintain the dignity and respect of my employees. This company and this man have a lot to learn about people it they think they are going to have a successful business. No wonder they are constantly represented negatively on the news lately!

How Dare You!

I went to the AC program info meeting on Monday the 23rd for Region 10. I tt the lady who presented the program after the meeting and informed her that I had already passed the TeXes test in the EC-4 Generalist area of certification. She told me that that area will close on June 1st so I need to get my app in ASAP.

I go to work the next day and try to access my app online that I had started back in January but didn't finish because I decided to go with DISD. I can't access it so I call and tt a lady who says there is a problem with it. She says she'll have someone call me back.

That afternoon my cell phone rings, while I am on a call with a customer at work. I put the customer on hold and a take the call. It's this woman who was also present at the meeting. She looks like a real life female version of Disney's Icabod Crane! Tall, skinny, with black hair cut in a chin length bob. You could plow a field with her nose.

She tells me that she called me a few weeks ago but that I didn't return her call. I tell her that I'm sorry but I guess I didn't get her message but that I did talk to someone at Region 10. She then says "What can I help you with?" I tell her that I went to the info meeting and that the speaker told me to finish my app online but I can't get into it.

This is the HOW DARE YOU moment! She says "I really don't think you would be a good fit for our program because you are so wishy-washy." WHAT? WISHY-WASHY! How dare you!!! I asked her what she meant by that and she said "Well, you started this application back in January and then changed your mind and went with DISD it says here." I said "Yes, I did change my mind because a recruiter came to my school, Dallas Baptist University, and told me he wanted me in their program because he wanted DBU Graduates to teach in DISD. So, because of that I went with their program. I passed all the steps of their application process, I passed the phone test, the TeXes test, and the interview. When it came down to the end I was told I didn't get in because they laid off 440 employees and didn't have any teaching positions open in my area of certification. I then went to the Principle of Wilmer Elementary School and talked to her to see if she will have any positions open due to the recent changes in the District. She told me to talk to Dr Blackburn and recommended your program." I was livid!

After all I've been through for her to make a character judgement on me and call me "wishy-washy" really pissed me off. I got that pins and needles feeling in my stomach and mouth I was so mad!

I told her maybe it won't do me any good to apply to that program if she had already formed an opinion of me. She did say she didn't realize all I had been through and would make my application available again. She did and I completed it.

We'll see what happens!

Depression

Once again I am in the grips of a major depression. I think it's this job. Last time I worked a Customer Service job I was severly depressed too. I can't quit until I find something else as we are in a tight financial strain right now.

My husbands reaction to my depression is to go drink with his friends and come in anywhere from 9:30-midnight which makes it even worse. I cry when I'm depressed and he can't handle my crying. When I need him the most he runs the other way. Seems men have done that my whole life with the exception of my Daddy! He ran to me when I pushed him away. I miss him.

I am going to a presentation on signing up with another Alternative Certification program tonight. Maybe that will help me pull out of this. I can't believe I've studied all these years for nothing.

My little sister called and wants to go back to school now. I'll do my best to discourage her. It's a HUGE waste of money for anyone over the age of 30.

Lost

Well, to say I am devastated is just scratching the surface. I did not get the teaching job with Dallas Independent School District. I really and truly in my heart of hearts thought it was God's will for my life. I thought for the first time I had heard His voice and was doing what He wanted me to do. Not my will but His. Everything that fell in place with my application to the Alternative Certification process was because He wanted me to teach but now I don't know what I was hearing. When I think of the magnitude of the sacrifice I've made to get this degree and the debt I am facing with my student loans and then to not be able to find a job it beyond devastating.

I emailed my prayer partner this morning and this is a part of her reply:

I'm sorry the job didn't come through for you, Lora. Perhaps God has a different plan for you or there is something else HE is teaching you in the mean time. Or perhaps it would not have been a good job for you....(things aren't always as they seem you know).... I know how hard disappointments can be. Life just doesn't take the path we want it to sometimes, but it isn't the direction you are going that is important -- it is how you handle the bumps in the road that God is looking at. So...just keep on a drivin' girl and you will get there and enjoy the trip too! I'll be praying for you. (emphasis mine)

I can't tell you the amount of healing these words delivered to my spirit! This lady is more than a dear friend, she is almost family! Her husband, the husband of her youth, is fighting cancer right now. Instead of enjoying their retirement years, they are dealing with this disease. In the midst of all her own trials she reached out to me and comforted my soul. God may not be showing His face to me now but He is sending His messengers to let me know He does love me and He cares.

I called the DISD AC program this afternoon and spoke with Dr. DaSilva the same man who came to DBU to recruit. He explained that due to the recent lay-off's at DISD that they didn't have enough positions open for all the candidates but that I would be qualified for the Alternative Certification Teacher Academy It's by invitation only and I could become a teacher in any school disctrict via the Academy. It's MUCH cheaper than any of the other programs so he is going to send me an invitation. He said he had already talked to the head of the Academy about me as he wants me in it because I am a Christian and graduated from DBU. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.